We were away for a week spending time together. Nathan had so much fun spending time with both of us for seven days. It was nice to visit different cities and explore with our little prince but the emptiness remained.
I’ve been changed forever and now I’m coping with the idea of this. I will never be the same person I was. Everything has changed. A door was opened inside me that I never knew existed. The loss of a child can’t be described in words. There are no words. Anyone who tries to justify her death to me, I automatically zone out. I have become numb to all their words and reason. My mind goes to a different place because nothing can piece together my broken heart. To my heart, there is no explanation good enough to relief the burning pain it feels. So I wake every morning imagining myself being held by God, in our intimate place of love, where he mourns with me, lifting my spirits and giving me hope. He dries my tears, as he cries with me, telling me how much he understands what I feel. I lay my head on his chest and pour my heart out, crying what feels like hours. And then I open my eyes and begin my morning, going back to my place of love all day, as many times as I need to, to keep moving forward.
On Monday we were in Santa Barbara, enjoying the perfect weather. Your daddy and Nathan fed the giraffes at the zoo.
I missed you.
Tuesday we were in San Simeon. The hotel was perfect, and the pool was one of the bests. Nathan jumped into the pool, loving his father with every smile and giggle.
I missed you.
Wednesday we were in Carmel. The sweet smell of the beach coming through our room, matching the calming vibe of the town. Everyone was so sweet and couldn’t get enough of your big brother.
I missed you.
Thursday we were in beautiful Monterey, loving every living thing. Nathan had a blast, especially watching all the fish, small and big, get fed.
I missed you.
Friday we were in Berkeley. My alma mater. We walked the lake and enjoyed the rare but perfect weather.
I missed you.
The weekend was full of trains, picnics, beach time, ice cream, fairy land, good food and great friends, but I missed you.
And here we are, beginning a new week and the yearning for you is just as great. My heart is heavy; broken in half. I want you back. I hold on to your doll a little tighter, smell your blanket a little longer and hope that when I open my eyes, it stings a little less.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 