The rare moments when I take the time to clear my thoughts tears start rolling down. I think of Emme all day, every day, just like I think of Nathan all day, every day, except I don’t have her with me. Most days I function just perfectly with my alone time coming either early in the morning or at night, where I retrieve and let it all out. But when I clear my thoughts, the sorrow is overwhelming. My loss is so great that I can only withstand it on a daily basis by staying in its periphery. When I stare sorrow in its face, my knees weaken.

But it is on those days when I pull from within me the strength that I never knew I had. A couple days ago, it would have been Emme’s two month birthday. Instead of celebrating and waking up exhausted from lack of sleep, I woke up exhausted from crying and hurrying up to package Emme’s milk. On her birthday I shipped 500 ounces of milk. As I carefully packaged each bag of milk, I felt weak to my knees and overwhelmed with sadness but I smiled through it, imagining my little baby with her Father God.

A week after Emme passed, I laid down with Nathan to put him down for a nap. In doing so, I fell asleep cuddled next to him and went to heaven. Emme stood in front of me, I could feel her she was so close. I could only see her halo, as God stood next to her, and his light overwhelmed my eyes. She had hair like Nathan’s but it was wavy, like her grandmothers. She wore the most beautiful dress and shoes, and her joy was so overwhelming. I reached out with all my might trying to embrace her one last time, so much so my heart was saddened as tears rolled down at my failed efforts. It was then my Father God spoke to me and said “She is with me now.” I woke up with the biggest smile and tears of joy.

There was never any doubt in my heart that Emme rejoiced with God but it was so gracious of him to confirm it. He allowed me to see her joy, her beauty and perfection. So whenever I become overwhelmed, I picture God embracing my baby. Loving her, dancing with her, and making her the happiest baby.

A song was recently written by Amanda Cook to baby Luca Gold, who went to heaven 40 minutes after her birth. I had the blessing of listening to it this morning, and it was the most beautiful song I have heard. I would love to share the lyrics of the song and if you would like to listen to it sung by Amanda click Goldie. The song speaks for itself.