To the average person these are easy words to say, even easier to read off a piece of paper. But to a mother who has lost a child, the answer to “ Is this your first baby?” when you are alone or “ Is this your second baby?” when you are with your surviving child, can take your breath away by punching you in the stomach with a flood of emotions. Ten months later, I can proudly say, with tearful eyes, It did not take my breath away this last time, and it was one of the proudest moments of my life in a room filled of strangers.
Z and I had just walked into a clients home, where all had gathered to see his finished project. And within 3 minutes of walking in, my ever-growing baby bump began to be admired and was followed by the dreaded question, “is this your first baby?”, to which I responded without hesitation, “no, it is my third.” The conversation briefly moved to the delivery room and how easy this third baby should come, to which I laughed and said it would be a piece of cake! My heart pumped so fast and loud, I thought everyone in that three story glass house could hear my heart beat. Z grabbed my hand and we continued the tour.
Once we were on the rooftop, the same person, Amy, approached me and while surrounded by others proceeded to ask about my other two children. I answered as gracefully as I could to which she answered, “You are so brave. When I asked you downstairs you answered so nicely with 3. I lost my first born and I have never been able to do what you just did.” It turns out Amy is a therapist who focuses on families who have lost a child. We spoke for a while as we encouraged each other and shared similar feelings.
This whole event was less than 2 hours of my life, but it will be one that I will always remember. It was the first of many moments where I didn’t fall apart or allow sorrow to overcome. By no means does this interaction mean I will never fall apart again or I will be able to answer so bravely to everyone. I won’t. I will fall apart. But its the process. Each day I get a little braver. Every day I love Emme deeper. And every day my tears roll down my cheeks for my little Giant in the Heavenlies but I also grow stronger.
xoxo
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 