As my little Emme’s first birthday approaches I find myself sitting in front of my computer figuring out the right wording for her birthday card. We have decided to send out cards in her memory. And although, to me, it is a beautiful way to have family and friends remember her on her birthday, it makes me extremely sad that that’s what I’m doing 30 days before her big first. 

I SHOULD be planning a ridiculously expensive tutu party with lots of pink and gold glitter. I should be stressing out about all the DIY Pinterest ideas I want to get done before the beginning of the month…so many should have beens and could have beens…instead I sit here with glassy eyes staring at a blank screen, with no words able to describe the enormous loss I deal with every day. 

Every night this past week I have imagined my little 11 month old, Emme, trying to give her first steps, as she is assisted by her big brother. I have imagined hearing the giggles of two of my children in my home. I have imagined everything so differently. 

I remember last Easter being the saddest time of my life. It was hard to smile and watch my little boy open his Easter basket without his sister. I had imagined the holiday so differently. Often times it has felt like Groundhog Day, everyday for the past 11 months. Looking back at pictures is difficult, especially the ones with smiles, because they were the most difficult to take. 

ELEVEN months. I can’t believe we have made it through 11 months. The year has gone by so slow and yet so fast. It’s bitter sweet. Time makes things feel different but I wouldn’t say it makes it better. It simply feels different. 

Needless to say, I think this month will be a bit harder than the last couple of months. But like the past 11 months, we will keep walking forward, loving deeper, and placing our lives in our Father’s hands. 

xoxo