Five years ago this month, I began dating Eric. Three years ago today, I married the man of my dreams. He has been my anchor, held me and loved me on my darkest nights and without a doubt, bent over backwards to ensure my heart is filled with joy.

                                               

                                                         

Countless were the nights where we went to bed crying together. Mourning our loss while continuing to walk. Yet we did not allow anything to shake us. We stood side by side, faithfully believing we would overcome.

                                                        

                                             

Nathan, Emme and Elea

Eric is my number one fan, and I am his. I point out his flaws with love, as he does mine. Although five years seems like a significant time, I look forward to spending my life with the man who makes me a thousand times better.

                       

8 Golden Days

I was blessed to have my Emme for as long as I did, eight days outside the womb. Although those eight days held the deadliest storm I have ever wavered, they also allowed me to experience love like never before. They allowed my daughter to touch hearts and bring the Healer to many homes, including my own.

The past eight days have been a whirlwind of emotions. I remember everything like it happened yesterday. I remember sitting in my mothers living room, clutching Nathan so tight, while I sobbed. I remember feeling the heaviness in my heart. The physical ache in my chest that weighed tons. I remember living in the NICU and wanting nothing more than to wake up from my nightmare. I remember the awful feeling of trying to feel and ingrain every second of the days into my memory. I remember believing that I would have Emme longer. I remember her beautiful cry for me and the touch of her skin against mine as she nursed. The sound she made when she swallowed my milk. How her little body felt against mine, as she slept all night snuggled on my chest.

Natey loving on Emme

 I remember how awful it felt when I began to realize that that Sunday would be my last Sunday with her. I remember calling her name after each breathe she took, wanting her to hold on just a little longer. I remember hating the blue marks that the morphine was leaving on her lips, as we tried to soothe her. I remember feeling like I was outside my body and this was not happening to me. I remember holding her tightly for hours after she was gone. I remember changing her one last time with my mothers help, getting her ready to go into the white wicker basket they took her in. I remember running my fingers through every part of her body, trying to memorize everything about it. Her little nose, her lips, her straight silky black hair, her little round tummy, her perfect little toes.

I remember not understanding how completely broken I felt but how everything outside the window continued to look so perfect. The trees, the flowers, the green grass, the neighbors walking their dogs, all while a van sat in my drive way waiting for me to give them my little girl. Even as I write this, my body aches from the heaviness of it all.

This year has definitely been a journey. A journey where everything I knew and believed in was called to question and rebuilding from ashes was all there was left. I am glad that I have come to a period in my journey where I can focus on the positive things that came out from this tragedy. I can appreciate things that I missed in the darkness. I can find joy in these eight days, in the midst of the darkness.

Elea Mackenzie

As the eighth day comes to an end tonight, and I sit here covered in tears and snot, I know that my Father sits next to me, holding me, mourning with me, healing my heart one day at a time.

Emme is born 11:24 am

We checked into the hospital where we were soon admitted into our room. Soon enough nurses began to come in and out of the room, setting up my IV and prepping me for major surgery. I remember the nice older nurse having difficulty with my IV. She kept apologizing while I cried. At the moment I wasn’t sure why I cried. She kept saying sorry and I kept saying I was ok; I was simply nervous since I had never had a c-section. Eric held my hand telling me we were going to be ok and to think of the beautiful baby we would soon hold in our arms. We even took a picture of ourselves right before they rolled me away. Eric kept telling me not to be afraid but my heart was heavy. I was scared.

They rolled me into the operating room where there were 8 people, all for different jobs, prepared for an emergency and if anything would go wrong with either me or the baby. They brought the anesthesiologist and began the process of numbing me. My tears kept rolling down my cheeks and I remember the doctor telling me that everything was going to be fine and it would be over so quickly. I nodded my head and continued to stay still, as they injected the needle in my back. Slowly I felt the cold liquid run through my back and I laid down.

I felt the pressure of the incision as they cut through five layers of tissue. One by one they got closer to my little girl. I felt something removed and I knew she was no longer inside me but I heard no cry. I heard a heavy silence. I asked how much she weight and why she wasn’t crying. The doctor quickly responded saying that sometimes they had to do a couple extra steps to let the baby know it was outside. Seconds later I heard her sweet cry. My heart was at ease and my doctors began to sow me right up as they talked about some mediocre hospital administration issues. Then they rolled Emme right pass me, stopping very quickly so I could see her, we locked eyes and it was then I saw her blue eyes and how much she looked like Nathan. I smiled as they explained they needed to take her for some extra check ups to make sure everything was ok. Eric left with her.

They rolled me into a waiting room, where an empty bassinet laid next to me. The nurse shared no new information with me, as I laid there waiting for Eric to come back. My world changed the second Eric walked in with a heavy heart I could see through his watered eyes. I saw my husband like I had never seen him before. He was devastated. I quickly asked how bad it was to which he responded, they wouldn’t know until tests came back but they knew something wasn’t right.

They moved me into the visiting room where my immediate family soon showed up. And one by one I could see how strong they wanted to be as all I could do was cry and come in and out of sleep. As the doctors began to come in and out of our room we knew it was bad but tests were not all back so they couldn’t tell us what they thought she had. Physically Emme looked perfect but she was struggling to breathe on her own. I wasn’t allowed to go see her because I couldn’t walk, so I refused the narcotics and forced myself to walk up and down the halls with Eric’s help, within hours of my surgery. I had to go see her. I finally got the ok after I begged my nurse, only to start dripping blood as I made myself walk through the hall. After a quick clean up, I finally got to lay eyes on my Little Giant and hold her  close.

It was Tuesday morning when I heard the devastating words, Emme had a chromosomal disorder which was incompatible with life. Eric and I weren’t carriers. It was chance. She should not have made it full term. She should have died in the womb. The words hit me like bricks. One after the other. Beating me down to a dark, dark place. Everything became a blur. Fog rolled in. My world as I knew it had ended.

Our Family of Five

My heart grows heavy knowing that I gave birth to my daughter almost 1 year ago. And instead of holding her in my arms, cuddling away, helping her blow out her first birthday candles, I’m searching for the perfect words for her first years post.

Emme’s Easter

Overwhelmed is an understatement. I find myself having really difficult days and ok days. I feel a rush of emotions coming at me every day, all while I try to stay afloat. I know this is a journey, there isn’t anything that will make it permanently better. Every day is a new day and how I deal with every day is the choice I get.

Believe I want April to come by as quickly as possible, but at the same time I want it to be a snail. I want to feel everything about it because feeling allows me to remember. And I love remembering Emme and everything she touched.

Emme’s First Birthday Cake

  Nathan blew out her first birthday candle yesterday. He told me he was doing it for Emme in heaven 😭 It was definitely a bitter sweet day, celebrating Easter and my little girls first birthday without her.