Emme is born 11:24 am

We checked into the hospital where we were soon admitted into our room. Soon enough nurses began to come in and out of the room, setting up my IV and prepping me for major surgery. I remember the nice older nurse having difficulty with my IV. She kept apologizing while I cried. At the moment I wasn’t sure why I cried. She kept saying sorry and I kept saying I was ok; I was simply nervous since I had never had a c-section. Eric held my hand telling me we were going to be ok and to think of the beautiful baby we would soon hold in our arms. We even took a picture of ourselves right before they rolled me away. Eric kept telling me not to be afraid but my heart was heavy. I was scared.

They rolled me into the operating room where there were 8 people, all for different jobs, prepared for an emergency and if anything would go wrong with either me or the baby. They brought the anesthesiologist and began the process of numbing me. My tears kept rolling down my cheeks and I remember the doctor telling me that everything was going to be fine and it would be over so quickly. I nodded my head and continued to stay still, as they injected the needle in my back. Slowly I felt the cold liquid run through my back and I laid down.

I felt the pressure of the incision as they cut through five layers of tissue. One by one they got closer to my little girl. I felt something removed and I knew she was no longer inside me but I heard no cry. I heard a heavy silence. I asked how much she weight and why she wasn’t crying. The doctor quickly responded saying that sometimes they had to do a couple extra steps to let the baby know it was outside. Seconds later I heard her sweet cry. My heart was at ease and my doctors began to sow me right up as they talked about some mediocre hospital administration issues. Then they rolled Emme right pass me, stopping very quickly so I could see her, we locked eyes and it was then I saw her blue eyes and how much she looked like Nathan. I smiled as they explained they needed to take her for some extra check ups to make sure everything was ok. Eric left with her.

They rolled me into a waiting room, where an empty bassinet laid next to me. The nurse shared no new information with me, as I laid there waiting for Eric to come back. My world changed the second Eric walked in with a heavy heart I could see through his watered eyes. I saw my husband like I had never seen him before. He was devastated. I quickly asked how bad it was to which he responded, they wouldn’t know until tests came back but they knew something wasn’t right.

They moved me into the visiting room where my immediate family soon showed up. And one by one I could see how strong they wanted to be as all I could do was cry and come in and out of sleep. As the doctors began to come in and out of our room we knew it was bad but tests were not all back so they couldn’t tell us what they thought she had. Physically Emme looked perfect but she was struggling to breathe on her own. I wasn’t allowed to go see her because I couldn’t walk, so I refused the narcotics and forced myself to walk up and down the halls with Eric’s help, within hours of my surgery. I had to go see her. I finally got the ok after I begged my nurse, only to start dripping blood as I made myself walk through the hall. After a quick clean up, I finally got to lay eyes on my Little Giant and hold her  close.

It was Tuesday morning when I heard the devastating words, Emme had a chromosomal disorder which was incompatible with life. Eric and I weren’t carriers. It was chance. She should not have made it full term. She should have died in the womb. The words hit me like bricks. One after the other. Beating me down to a dark, dark place. Everything became a blur. Fog rolled in. My world as I knew it had ended.