It was exactly a year and a half ago today that I gave birth to my first daughter, Emme. Today she would have been 18 months. She would have been walking. Giggling. Driving Nathan crazy by taking all his favorite toys and sticking them in her mouth. She would have been crawling around and yelling up a storm with my beautiful niece. She would have been completely in love with her baby sister, Elea. 

This picture is my all time favorite. I can feel her on my chest when I look at it. I can feel her heart beating against mine. I can feel the warmth of her body on my chest. I can feel her little hand wrapped around my finger. I can feel her little head being caressed by my hand. I can feel her cheeks and her soft baby skin against my lips. I can smell the pamper-hospital smell if I breath deep enough. I CAN FEEL. 

I like to imagine what my face looks like. I like to think that I have a smile on my face, even if its faint. Reminding myself of her in this moment gives me a version with a smile. But the truth is my eyes were purple and extremely swollen from crying. I remember begging Eric only to capture her beauty and not my sadness. You were able to see heartbreak, at its best, in my eyes. 

As I drove Natey to school today, we drove in silence as we both looked over at the ocean. We love the ocean. He leaned against his car seat as he looked out and I tried to channel all the wonderful memories of our baby. Lately Natey has been talking to Elea about Emme. Telling her where Emme now lives and why they can’t go see her. Hearing Natey explain it to Elea is definitely heart warming. There does not seem to be any sadness. He smiles at Elea and simply tells her, their sister resides in heaven with God and they can’t go there right now. He smiles. I love her, he tells her. Elea smiles joyfully.