I have been hash tagging #choosejoy since the passing of my little Emme, not because I am experiencing an overabundance of joy, but because I am trying really hard to choose joy when I can so easily cry all day and night. I recently finished reading “Carry on, Warrior” by Glennon Melton, and let me tell you, living to be the best version of you is the hardest thing you can do, but it can be done. I’m not even trying to be the best version of me, yet. Maybe in a couple years. Right now I simply want to see joy, and that’s hard enough.  

The month of October has been difficult since Emme. I can’t quite put my finger on why but it seems, for now, to be a combination of things. I have cried almost every night of this past month. I mourn yet another year of life without my little giant. October is the month when Emme would celebrate 18 months of life, and instead I mourn life without her. I mourn celebrating another year of life for me, without my daughter. I mourn with all other mothers, and the precious babies they have all lost and are trying so hard to conceive (Pregnancy and Infant awareness month). I mourn for my beautiful children, who will grow up without their beautiful sister. 

I mourn. 

And in between waves, I try my hardest to pull my face above water and choose joy. And because I try so very hard, I see it. Well, it probably isn’t all because I try hard, I know my Father helps me A LOT. 

We were at Ralphs a couple weeks ago. It was a horrible morning for me, as I was crying about everything, but about nothing in particular. I was being difficult with Eric simply because I was mourning and could not deal with life. So while we went in and out of every aisle, I knew that I had to breathe and bring myself to choose what kind of vegetables I was going to make myself cook as a side dish for the week ( sigh!). As we are putting the groceries in the trunk, Elea strapped onto my chest, Nathan crying in the cart over a special dinosaur he really needed to have, I was on the verge of a ‘cry it out’ moment, when an older gentleman, white hair, dressed in a crisp white dress shirt, gray dress pants, on a scorching hot morning, approaches us with a sign and asks if we have time to march around the parking lot for world peace, all while we sing “All you need is Love” by The Beatles. And, he so politely asks, if I would be willing to carry the roses I was holding in my hand while we march, as they would add to the beauty of our cause. 

You got it! My initial reactions was, SERIOUSLY! do you know what kind of day I’m having! and you want me to stop what I’m doing with both my kids and march around the parking lot singing to everyone else, while I hold roses in my hands and try to recruit other people, who are clearly busy and will think we are crazy, while we march on this super duper hot day for world peace??!!! 

But we marched. Yes. We marched. No one joined the march. But we sang our hearts out. Elea looked at all of us like we were crazy, and Nathan smiled the whole way ( Nate’s favorite band just so happens to be The Beatles) and the guy made his day by singing his favorite song, Yellow Submarine, so nice and loud, in front of Chase Bank. 

It was at this point that I realized that as hard of a day we are having, in between the waves, there is joy. We can choose joy. We have a choice. And every morning I pray I have the strength to choose joy instead of holding out a white flag for the day, because joy will inundate me, if I allow it…even if it’s just a tiny little taste.