Month: April 2016

Embracing the Ugly

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Love

Today I woke up and I could hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing, I could FEEL the sunlight breaking through the blinds and before I was fully awake, a big baby was dropped on my side by Eric. Elea gave me a huge smile and crawled towards me, smacking her lips, she snuggled right next to me and began nursing. I could hear Papa and Nathan giggling and getting ready for the ‘train ride’ to the living room (Nathan hopping on Eric’s back). I could feel joy, again. It was back. Well, technically, it never left me but I was having a hard time digging through the ugly to feel joy. The last 14  days have been difficult, to say the least. I have gone from feeling miserable, having uncontrollable crying episodes, to not having the energy to get out of bed because sadness had taken over my heart. Everything was a blur, again. The emotions and mist from Emme’s passing were back. The dreams came back with a vengeance and my heart bled.

Nathan on a sad day (8 months old)
It was raw. The cut had been split open and I was trying so hard to try and make it through each day. I was angry all over. I wanted to do nothing but sit on my couch, eat all the chocolate and baked goods I could and cry. Sob, laugh and cry some more. And that’s exactly what I did. I embraced every ugly feeling I had.  I woke up every morning wanting to feel better but it was difficult. So whenever I could, I would hold on to this grief and I smeared it everywhere and slowly went through each emotion, over and over. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and approach Eric and let him know it was more than I could handle, I needed help because I wasn’t able to deal. And then, today happened. I woke up and I heard it. I heard joy knocking at my heart. It wanted back in.

Worship gets me through my lowest moments. The past couple weeks I have submerged myself in Kristene DiMarco’s MIGHTY cd. It is AMAZING. Nathan knows all the lyrics to the CD as it has been on replay all month. My spirit breaks down and my Father molds me back. 
My sister sent me this passage on Wednesday, the day my arms felt the heaviest and where my legs felt like stones I couldn’t move out of bed : 
You keep track of all my sorrows. 
You have collected all my tears in your bottle. 
You have recorded each one in your book. 
Psalm 56:8
JOY
Sometimes I forget that our Father has everything under control, and that he too, feels everything we feel, and in my case, he is mourning with me.  I have a tendency of pulling away from Him when it starts to get difficult and it is nice to be reminded that He wants to feel with me, sit with me and eat chocolate as we cry. He loves me more for bringing my ugly to him. He loves all of me and not one tear goes unrecorded. 
xoxo

The Before and After

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Bath time on a happy day 🙂
Nathan has been a bit more whiney than usual. Elea has started her I’m on the move- get out of my way- it’s all mine phase. Needless to say, there has been a little bit of clashing but interestingly enough, the clashing has been with mommy- not themselves. Just wait a second, I’ll explain further. 
The melting point
We were hanging out in Nathan’s room and I asked him if he wanted to paint. I pulled out the dry paint book and got him some water. He dips the paintbrush (his finger) in water then rubs the colors off the paper and places the color in the chosen area. Easy. Or so I thought. 
Proof that Nathan can paint on his own
He proceeds to tell me he can’t do it and needs my assistance. So while I hold his finger, we dip and paint. Laughing and enjoying our silly art. This moment of bliss lasts about 5.5 seconds before the big baby (Nathan’s nickname for Elea) comes over and tries to destroy our art. I pull her back and as I do, she begins to cry and call out mama and she crawls towards me for cuddles. As I pick her up Nathan starts to cry and says he still needs help. I offer to give him verbal instructions so he can continue to paint without big baby destroying anything, but he says he can’t paint without my hand and begins to unravel. After failed attempts and trying to get him to calm down,  I let him know it’s bath time and we must move on to our night routine, to which he responds he does not want any company. He chooses to stay in his room and cry it out. I move on to the bath. 25 minutes later he walks into the bathroom with a big smile and red eyes (from crying) and asks if we can paint together in the bath. I welcome the idea and again we begin to paint together laughing and cuddling while our big baby reveled in her bath. This moment of joy comes to a screeching end when the baby signs she is ready for bed. Nate’s crying ensues. 
Nathan
Why can’t the baby get out of the bath by herself?! Why can’t the baby stay in the bath?! Why can’t the baby stop interrupting my mommy and me time?! …why can’t it be like it use to be. Just me and you. 
Bam! 
It hits me like a ton of bricks. Not because they both want me and there isn’t enough of me to go around at the same time. Not because I have to pick and choose sometimes. Not because I have to shush one when the other sleeps. Not because we have to split their scheduling. 
Love
It hits me hard because when it was only Nathan and me, I was different. I didn’t know there would be a version of me before and after. 
After putting Nathan to bed that night, I cried. I cried hard. I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to give him the attention he wanted. Worse yet, I felt guilt for not understanding while it was happening that it wasn’t about the paint, it wasn’t about the baby, it was about him needing more of me. Just a little bit of me and him. Like it use to be. Not for very long, because he can’t live without her. 
A Helping Hand
He can’t. Seriously. 
But he wanted me just a little extra. Just for that moment. A quick flash back of life when it was just me and him, all day. 
I cried some more. 
Anticipation
There are so many moments when I feel like Nathan. I want to go back to the before. To the me without the deepest of grief. Without knowing what it is like to have lost a child. Living freely without anything missing. Feeling complete. But now in the after, although much wiser and stronger than before, it a a difficult journey, to say the least, to move forward. And much like Nathan, it’s ok to want to feel the love and completeness that I felt at one point. Submerse in the past. The joy I felt two years ago today, knowing that I would have a baby girl in my arms the next day, April 5th, 2014. I had a scheduled C-section. I would get to hold her the next day, and so would Nate.  I feared nothing, because loss was not real. It was a distant truth. 
As I hugged it out with him that night and explained why I had to split my time but that I loved him just the same, if not more, then when it was just the two of us, he said he loved his wild birdie and he understood she needed me. He thanked me for explaining it to him and asked me to lay with him for a little while as he dozed off.  Half asleep, he mumbled, “I love wild birdie (Elea)”. 
Love
We are constantly changing. Morphing. Sometimes willingly and sometimes not. What we do with the hurt, pain, or whatever it may be is up to us. It is not easy, but nothing ever is. Every day I try a little harder to smile and to find joy in little things. To be grateful for the blessing I have received, for as short lived as they may have been. On the eve of Emme Sophia’s second birthday, I am forever grateful to my Father for giving me the opportunity of being Emme’s mother and allowing her to teach me an endless amount of valuable lessons in 8 short days. 
Emme’s 2nd Birthday Cake
xoxo