On Monday night I layed in bed, arms open, heart open, with grief running down my cheeks. Eric sat next to me trying to do what partners do best – listen. He listened and listened until there were no tears left to cry out. 

October is 2 days away. It’s always hard for me to celebrate my life when there is such a huge chunk of it missing. But this year instead of struggling through the month, I’ve been suckered into a party. 

Growing up, I remember looking forward to my birthday. It was the best time. My father and mother knew that I LOVED parties. I loved the cake face mashing (which happened every time!). I remember seeing all our friends and family and being bombarded with kisses and hugs. 

But that joy was taken from birthdays. The past two have felt incomplete. Full of joy with my surviving children, but always missing one. 

So while a party is far, far from what I would choose, I think it may be what I need. And like the electric frequencies, our grief for our beautiful baby girl will always be. Sometimes it will be good and sometimes it will be so painful I won’t want to get out of bed or I’ll cry until there are no tears to shed, but I will feel her love. 

So here is hoping that this October, my Emme frequencies burn hard. And I cry a lot; tears for a life lost but also tears of love and thankfulness for the love that will forever frequent my heart. 

Xoxo