The end of the year was difficult. All I wanted to do was nestle in my bed and hit fast forward. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to a new year, but I couldn’t deal with the current one. Somehow it felt as if the longer I held on to 2017, I was holding on to Mom, like the year really hadn’t happened. The new year meant it was real. We were starting the year without her physical presence. And though I was torn between fast forward and rewind, my sweet babies were bent on slow motion. Every day being celebrated and every Time Hop movie and picture being replayed (Lei is obsessed with memory hops).

But I’ve been here before, the place where everything hurts physically and emotionally, because there has been a void left. My mom always said the people who passed were always happy, for they were in perfection; heaven, where worries existed no longer. The ones left behind, they were the ones that suffered. They had to learn to live without.

I have started over before. April 13th, 2014 defines me. If there was any point in my life where I no longer wanted to be present, that was the day. My life as I knew it had changed, and I had two choices: break or give it all to try and take baby steps forward. I was broken, for months, I was broken and just when I thought I couldn’t go on, I did. That first step took 6 months to give. And when I gave it, I was proud of myself. Emme defined me and made me the whole person I am today. And my Mom, she’s the cherry on top. And God, well, he is serving the banana split. Making sure everything stays together and when more is needed, he is there to give it.

I am kind. I am strong. I am full of life. I am steadfast. I am joy filled. I am loved. I am favored. I am light.

So as the year begins, I will embrace every scar left, those open, those healing, and those still sensitive to the touch. My mom is my witness now, she’s my cheerleader in heaven, and if I close my eyes, I can clearly see her standing on top of a hill, the sun radiating from her skin, the gentle winds swinging her dress from one side to the other, her hair whisking as she gives me her gigantic smile.