There have been so many moments this year when I wanted to sit down and write, and somehow I found something “more important” that needed to be done at that exact moment. But, in all honesty, I am running away from words. Even at this moment, my eyes feel extra heavy and the cup of re-heated coffee sitting next to me doesn’t seem to have the necessary caffeine to make it happen.

Writing has always been my go-to for anything and everything. I have journals filled with words dating back to when not being allowed to go swimming outside with my siblings that one day because I was too sunburned, meant the entire summer was ruined and only my journal understood the devastation. Words were the way I was able to work through anything.

My heart continues to feel heavy and every day my mom gets an earful of my life, and that seems to be enough, but I can feel my heart boiling over with emotions with no outsource. There have been moments when I allow everything to slow down and I am flooded with emotions.

This week while Elea and I sat on the couch, we drifted asleep. She was latched on, and I simmered in that moment. There she was, resting on my chest, breathing, in and out, making baby sleeping sounds, and I cried. I knew that moment was precious and although I was running through a list of things I needed to do, I took it all in.

On Thursday I laid with Nate after Papa had finished the bed time routine. We held hands as we talked about appreciation. He then said, “Mami, you know who I appreciate the most? Nana, I appreciate Nana for the time I had her but I know she’s in heaven now.” My eyes welled up with tears, I held him a little tighter, and said I understood. My heart was broken for him but I also realized that my broken heart needs help.

A couple years ago I had the privilege of speaking at a women’s conference on a couple different topics, but one of them stands out to me at this season of my life. I know I am not Wonder Women but I do come really close. I work really hard at everything I set my mind to, and  sometimes a bit too much. Finding the right balance and knowing when you need help, are two things that seem extremely simple and yet are so difficult for me to do at times.

My mom use to always tell me to slow down. She use to tell me that I had to take care of myself first because I couldn’t take care of everyone else if I didn’t place me first. It actually drove her nuts to watch me sometimes. Now, I am not saying that this is bad to do, but I am saying it is easy to over do it. Trust me, I know. And it took a kind man who sees me every week to tell me something I could see my mom telling me through him, to make me come to a complete stop. My heart is broken, and that is completely ok, but it needs caring that only I can allow it to receive.    

So in this roundabout blog post, I guess what I’m saying is I’m ready to open my heart to healing. I’m ready to take the first step. And lucky for me, Jesus has always been ready.

XO