Shaking it off

October 26, 2023October 26, 2023Leave a comment

You know that feeling you get when you know you are going to be sick? Your body seems to tremble uncontrollably, you start to perspire and you can feel your arm pits begin to itch from the sweat forming droplets. You try to breathe, focusing on the pace, in and out. The knot in your stomach is being twisted and squeezed, like a piece of clothing being washed against stone down by a river in Central America. Sounds severe, and yet, this is how I feel watching Nathan get ready for his XC meets. To anyone else, Nathan looks happy and calm, waiting for the whistle to blow. I can see through the shell. I can feel the tension in his body, the excitement and fear, all the emotions running through him as his eyes move from left to right, adjusting his posture, stretching his legs, shaking them out, as he stands next to his competition.

I ran cross country in high school, but I don’t remember ever feeling sick or nervous on meet days. Maybe I have blocked out the feelings. Nate starts feeling stomachaches on Monday’s and as Wednesday roles around, he makes comments about the torture he will endure, half joking. I recently asked him if he wanted to stop. He glared at me and said, “why would I not run?”

It’s amazing to see how much we can endure, even when it feels like torture. Then you cross the finish line and what overwhelmed you then, is now replaced by joy and relief. When Nate crosses the finish line, he takes a couple second to walk around, compose himself, and then he gives me a big smile.

Yesterday was great! He finished strong and surprisingly the nerves were not overwhelming. As we drove to the meet, he said, “ Hey Mom, I don’t feel that nervous today.” Elea followed with, “Why?” and Nathan’s response was simple and clear, “I don’t know.”

And isn’t this life? Sometimes we feel a certain way and we can’t pin point the cause, but we know it will get better. So, keep in mind the knot in your stomach will not be there forever. You too can shake it off. Happy Thursday!

An African Proverb

October 16, 2023October 16, 2023Leave a comment

I’ve been listening to a parenting book on my morning runs for the past couple weeks called Raising Giant Killers: Releasing your child’s divine destiny. It has been a very insightful book. It covers everything, including marriage and the environment we create for our children, along with its impact. But today, the author read out an African Proverb and it stopped me in my tracks:

If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.

I have such a hard time asking for help. I always think I can do all of it, because no one will do it like me. Which just translates to: no one will help you because you end up redoing all their work. Part of development is allowing others to grow by learning from their mistakes, and the improvements they can make. For me, I keep going and going until I am so overwhelmed, that the little patience I have is completely obliterated.

Eric and I are having trouble getting to a healthy place when it comes to our schedules. From work commitments, kids sports, volunteer work for school, family commitments, church, and not to mention homework!, we are running thin on patience for one another (primarily, me). My husband has a heart of gold, that guy will bend over backwards to help, give, and build community. He goes beyond the immediate vision most of us have. He sacrifices for the future, envisioning the harvest as he works.

I have a hard time seeing beyond my immediate surrounding sometimes. I put in a lot, but I also can complain a lot (as I was clearly told by loving husband yesterday). And it’s true. So, I have choices to make. Keep doing what I am doing, seeing it all with a glass half full or half empty mentality.

I tell Nate all the time that our perspective matters, it allows for our mind to decide the attitude we have going into anything. And yet, here I am, not doing what I preach. Ugh. BUT, I am going to be graceful with myself and remind myself that I can do better and I will do better. I will make better choices by really evaluating things and, like Eric, envision the harvest as I work. Also, it is ok to say no, or quit. If it is not working for you- it is ok (this I have to keep saying to myself over and over!). I have problems when it comes to stopping things…I think this definitely comes from my dad. He never let me quit anything! Ok, well, this is all I have for today. Hope everyone is having a great reflective start to their week.

Familia

October 13, 2023October 13, 20233 Comments

I have been working on a written piece on and off for about a year now. I’ve rewritten this thing so many times, it is giving me flash backs to a rhetoric class I took where my professor made us write the same paper over and over and over again, the entire semester. And to top it off, the book we were basing our essay on, didn’t have any words! The entire semester felt like torture and that’s how I’m starting to feel about this draft.

It is slipping away from its original version so much, and I’m not sure I like it much anymore. And maybe I just kind of want to throw it away…again. Often in life, it’s hard to know when to stop and recalculate where we are, where we want to be, and if what we are doing is getting us closer or farther away.

I love that words can so easily be deleted and rewritten. And like the pictures I’ve shared, every version has its own love to offer. I’m going to get back to writing, and I hope the next draft inspires me. Have an amazing weekend, full of warm coffee cups and hugs from a loved one.

The feeling of loss

October 11, 2023Leave a comment

I was having a conversation with my coworker on Monday, as we felt as though we had weighted blanket’s over our heads, while an anonymous person added weight by laying over us.

World conflict has the power to take hold of our hearts, squeeze tightly, until you find yourself bending over, as you gasp for breathe.

Remembering to take time to go through your thoughts and feelings, may be helpful this week. Make a plan as to how you can help. And remember your help will probably look different than others, and that’s ok. I am reminding myself to hold friends and families in prayer, and get involved to make a difference in the small way I am able to.

Sending everyone extra love this week.

💛

Quotidian events

October 6, 2023Leave a comment

The everyday details of life. Getting the kids ready, packing lunches, trying not to lose your temper as you try and get the kids to move faster than worms crossing from one side of the sidewalk to the other. “Don’t forget your water bottles! Put your socks on! Don’t hit your sister! Finish your breakfast!” And then finally, the squeaking sound of the door as they are off to school.

Silence. And then you miss you them. lol.

I bumped into a friend while dropping Lei off at soccer practice yesterday. And while we spoke, we talked about all the stress causing things we face on a daily basis. Work, homework, sports, errands…we do it all and as mundane as it may sound, everyday I wake up and am incredibly thankful to do it all over again.

I truly love doing things for my children in the tender way my mother would do them for me when she had the time. My mother loved the grandkids with all her might. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for them. She used to tell me I would never understand their connection, and I sure didn’t. I am very grateful I got to see the way my mother would feed Nate, care for my niece, hold my nephew as if he was a glass ornament ready to slip out of her hand.

In this season of life, I find myself losing my temper a lot, just short fused, and throughout the years, my patience has waned to a sorry looking puddle left over after a big storm. I want to be graceful and I want to celebrate my kids trying to do better every day. In celebrating the things they try to do better, I encourage them to keep growing, learning and not be afraid to make mistakes.

I hope you are able to take a breather, reassess, and be proud of the patience you have and your ability to try again the next day.

Changing the narrative

October 2, 2023October 3, 20232 Comments

Being the daughter of immigrants, I have aways been very aware of my surroundings and “my place”. Spanish was spoken in my home so we wouldn’t forget, and English was the language I needed outside our home to get my foot in the door. I wasn’t aware of stories or anti-immigrant feelings many people have experienced until I got to college. But by then, it was a crash course that overwhelmed me. Part of me was thankful that I had been so unaware, and the other part of me felt silly for not recognizing any of it throughout my 17 years of life.

I grew up in the heart of Los Angeles. Culture blossomed from every corner. The different smells of Latin American foods, enveloped our neighborhood, along with traditional American foods. The distinction between immigrants and natives wasn’t clear to me, as I had an understanding that everyone had roots, whether they had been grounded on American soil for generations or just beginning to sprout, was the only difference I made. But at Cal, the differences were announced through what felt like a megaphone. The othering came, and then it was obvious. It was everywhere.

I actively have to fight off these second class citizen thoughts, and it may have been my own insecurities, but I wonder how many children of immigrants feel the same way. As with anything, I want to change this story without being ignorant of its existence. Can it be done? Can we be aware of our differences, and yet stand tall without having to fight for an equal space at the table? Everyone’s answer to this will be wildly different, but I am choosing and have chosen for a while, to hang on to the promises made upon my life. I am not going to pray for change to come, I am going to be the change. It will come through my actions, through my children’s actions, and their children. It has to start somewhere,and we don’t only owe it to our parents who gave it all up for us, we owe it to America. She who has taken us in, loved us equally, and has only asked that we make her better.

A note to my constant readers: Thank you for reading all my posts. I do realize I jump from one heavy topic to another, and then a super light one. Time and time again, I have tried to narrow my blog posts to a specific niche, but have come to realize, that’s just not for me. Thank you for sticking with me.