What did you gain through loss?

September 26, 2023September 29, 2023Leave a comment

In any circumstance, whether joyous or difficult, there is an outcome and we must decide whether or not it is, in fact, loss. Emily Dickinson wrote

My loss, by sickness — Was it Loss?
Or that Ethereal Gain
One earns by measuring the Grave —
Then — measuring the Sun —

Sickness can be interpreted to be anything that afflicts us, it doesn’t necessarily have to be sickness. During loss, I have been able to learn deep lessons, those I would never comprehend had I not had loss so heavy it nearly broke me.

There are images so vivid where I wanted to choose the grave, because the act of breathing itself was painful. While the world around me kept rowing, I was sinking and no one was able to unlock the ball and chain pulling me under. In those moments of silence, when your insides feels betrayed by your lungs, and all goes quiet, the sun never stopped looking for a breakthrough. Months passed before I was able to join the world, in this new body, put back together haphazardly.

I am still working on myself, some days more than others. Today, in everything I do, I look for the rays that cover my skin, reminding me of my purpose and healing journey. Whatever heartbreak, loss, sickness, battle you are fighting, I hope you are able to find glory in the small steps you give every day.

Lei staying positive as we waited for her X-rays last week (she has a bad fall during soccer practice)

Thoughts on Grief and Hope, part 2

September 25, 2023September 26, 2023Leave a comment

Yesterday’s post I wrote 19 months ago, but never published.

Yesterday was a school holiday, but Eric and I had to work. So we decided to wake the kids up early and do some cross country training to help prepare Nate for his first race tomorrow. Nathan, as expected, ran circles around us and complained we were all too slow. Elea swore her legs were giving out, and she couldn’t take another step. Eric was striding along to his music and my mind went back in time, to my parents.

My mom and dad both enjoyed running, well, actually my mom did and I think my dad just went along with it. My siblings and I were paid for laps that we completed on weekdays when my parents would take the entire family running. My parents emphasized health and physical fitness. I was in it for the money, and thought running was hard. I always ended up with a side stitch, couldn’t keep up with my brother, who never left me behind, and never felt fit enough even though I was pretty active. But I was missing the point. As much as my parents wanted us to be healthy, my mom enjoyed walking and running with us. We would talk about everything and anything while going around in circles.

One of my favorites: mom helping Nate learn how to walk

This morning, as I felt the morning’s chill, heard Elea’s complaining and Nathan’s laughter as he left us behind, I could hear mom’s laughter. I had to try very, very, very hard to keep up with Nathan, my face froze as I sped up, and in this moment, when all was quiet, I could almost touch mother’s love as it enveloped us. For all the moments of sadness, there are so many that will fill you with joy, and others that will be a combination of both. In these moments, embrace the feels, let the earth’s saltiness run down your cheeks, the smile take over your entire face and feel the love that transcends space.

What I would say to my father

September 22, 2023Leave a comment

My father was a great father. He was always present and always made sure he had the most awkward conversations with me, no matter what. He was present and demanded our full attention in return. This always annoyed me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. In hindsight, I am grateful. No teenager , at least not in my household, wanted to be smothered by our parents, or asked to share the highs and lows of our day. But my dad, he never let our attitude stop him. It almost made him try harder.

What I would have my father know now, if he would listen, would be that no one ever stops being a parent. Not even in the physical absence of the parent. And we never stop being a daughter or son. It is inevitable that the roles will change, as our parents age or get sick, and we are in our prime time. But our deepest role of child and parent never fades. I’d tell my father I miss him dearly and my heart yearns for the infinite love and tenderness he offered every day; fierce, relentless and selfless.

I wish he’d try a little more today. It doesn’t matter that I’m 38 with children of my own. He was a great father, and I wish he would have finished his role, by continuing to be present and offering his endless love, unsolicited advise, and talking me into taking the latest vitamins on the market.

In his absence, he has taught me the importance of parenting and how important it is to give every single day, regardless of my children’s attitude and their age. He instilled in me a love for my Heavenly Father, for which, I will be eternally grateful.

Have a wonderful weekend knowing you are loved on both sides of heaven 💛

Me and my dad at my graduation from Cal, 2006

Identity blues

September 19, 2023September 19, 2023Leave a comment

Often times, throughout our lifetime we go through different seasons where our roles change and with it, our identity. There are permanent roles transcendent ones. And then there are those we are striving towards, or feel we are not good enough to identify with.

I am a daughter, sister, mother, sales professional, writer, story teller, and wife. There are other roles I have come to identify with, and others I have let go.

As part of my ongoing training ( in my profession), I join weekly meetings to listen in on what worked well that week, what did not, and what we I can do better and implement the following week. I love these meetings. They encourage me to constantly look inward and make adjustments. This should be the same way I look at everything in life. How can I be a little better tomorrow?

I’ve recently made it a habit to apologize to Eric for anything where I could have communicated better. For instance, on Monday, I responded to Eric’s question in an overly aggressive tone, and a heavy dose of sarcasm ( I’m actively working on toning this down). It wasn’t necessary, but it fit right in with the mood. My apology that morning wasn’t necessary, but I knew I could’ve done better. My follow up to that apology is to actively tone it down next time, take a breather, and respond with kindness. I want to actively work on being a better partner.

Our identity plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves and who we want to be. And even if you are not there, lasso in that identity and work towards it, and it will become you, or should I say you will morph into it. Take the leap and you shall reap rewards.

Isn’t that His promise towards our life?

Happy Tuesday 💛

Elea’s Mother’s Day card : Mami’s identity

When love notes go wrong

September 15, 2023September 15, 2023Leave a comment

I have a bad habit.

I put the love notes I get from my kids on my dashboard. I love reading these love notes on a daily basis and they bring me so much joy. HOWEVER, they don’t bring anyone else joy when driving my car. Eric hates it and so does my father in law. To be fair, they have borrowed my car many times when my gas has been on empty and gone unaware of it, because my notes cover everything (gas is a different story for another day). I always brush their comments off and move on. It is my car, after all. Well, yesterday, as I was coming home from a 2 hours drive (traffic!), I was too busy chitchatting when my phone fell off my dashboard. It was then that my heart skipped a beat. A tiny one.

My water level was pointing to the red H.

Bummer. I asked my sister what I should do and she quickly said, ” Pull over and call someone!” I thought this was pretty funny because I was on the phone, with her! I pulled over and called Eric. Then I proceeded to wait for Eric, while I was laughing to myself and apologizing to my car. See, my car has been telling me that I need an oil change for weeks now and because my schedule is so tight, I keep pushing it off. Long story short, I ran out of coolant and oil.

How many times do we get warnings about things, over and over and we keep on trucking? Ah, I do this all the time, with everything. I love my car, but I hate the maintenance of it, including getting gas. We can’t run on fumes, and when we continue to run on fumes, stuff blows up. Don’t worry, my engine is fine and I was the first one in the car shop this morning.

I often write about boundaries and saying no, but I have a difficult time with this. In the last several months I have been prioritizing myself, and every little thing I do (however small), empowers me, giving me more time to do the things I love. I’d encourage you to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. Basic information, but life changing if you apply it. I hope you have a fantastic weekend without a roadside adventure 🙂

The impending loom of failure

September 13, 2023September 13, 2023Leave a comment

I have always been afraid of failure. I think it stems from watching my parents give up their entire lives to give me the opportunity to have a choice. Often times the pressure I put on myself turns out to be heavier than the actual task at hand. And then there are times when fear prevents me from taking a risk.

Who wants to fail at anything?

I’ve had my share of failures and every time I’ve failed, I have been stronger, whether I understood it that way or not. Hindsight is always a gift.

As my children get older, I’ve noticed how I can easily place expectations on them that are unrealistic for their age, and development. I want to be the best parent I can be and often times I SUCK at it, especially in the mornings. I am the White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland, counting down the minutes and seconds we have left before I kick everyone out the door. All while my kids and my husband, walk around with no urgency and watching video footage of late night soccer games. Eric likes to say “I’m only showing them the highlights.” Right.

Anyway, every day I get to start over and it is a nice reminder that I need to give myself grace as much as I enjoying giving it. It’s ok not to be perfect and to be scared to do something we haven’t done before, or in a while. Every small change leads to a big change. So as long as I keep trying to do a little better every day, I am winning. I hope you see yourself for the winner you are as well 🙂

The Spider Crab

September 12, 2023September 12, 2023Leave a comment

This weekend was my sister’s Bachelorette weekend and it was wonderful, up until we got back home and I got into my car to drive home. I quickly realized there was a huge prickly, crab looking spider living in my side-view mirror. It was enormous! I tried going faster on the highway so it would fly away, but it only seemed to tighten its grip. So I decided I would have my children sacrifice themselves and try and get the spider, but neither of them would take me up on the offer. To their defense, it is probably the biggest spider we have every seen outside of a safe enclosed space.

So we decided on the next best thing, the car wash. We went to a tunnel car wash and got the best car wash we could with the limited time we had, hoping the wraparounds would wash it off. We yelled as the soap was dispensed, water shot at our car, and the spider crab didn’t even flinch. “Oh no Mami, it’s not going to work! ” the kids yelled, and I honestly thought we were doomed. This spider crab probably laid eggs and will not be taken down by anything or anyone!

Then the grand finale- the dryers! They blew for what felt like an eternity, before the crab spider finally let go and flew by Nate’s window. “Yay!” we all cheered. We were done. Mission complete.

I couldn’t get the spider off my mind all day. She was relentless and unmoving, despite all the things I did to it all day. Speeding down the highway, poking at it with a stick, and going through a tunnel of torture seemed useless, until the very end. I hope that I have a slice of the grit this crab spider had. Life can be very much like her one day with me. Countless “things” will come our way, and we have to be anchored and go to battle, and be ok with the outcome, knowing we fought back. Failure shouldn’t hold us back.

I hope you have the courage to stand and take the spirit of the spider crab that lives within you.

A reflection on awkwardness

September 6, 2023September 6, 2023Leave a comment

I was taking an upper division Rhetoric class at Cal my junior year. Half the time, I was lost as to what we were truly discussing. It was one of those classes where you had to reread the passages over and over, and yet you still didn’t quite understand what in the world the philosopher was saying. I would get so nervous walking into this class, I would literally make myself sick, and it was very very loud. My stomach would make the most awkward sounds. I distinctively remember a classmate leaning over and offering me his protein bar. I didn’t know him, but he must have thought I was starving! The noise would cause me to feel so embarrassed, I would start sweating and undergo severe hot flashes. Everyone had to speak and everyone had to read. No excuses. And as you can imagine, this only amplified my hot mess.

I dreaded this class for 3 1/2 months that Fall semester. I never really knew if it was the language barrier that I allowed to get in my head that made me nervous, or question my understanding, but I ended up with an A in the class and a glowing review of my writing. But I didn’t believe it, and least of all, throughout the semester. I didn’t allow myself to drop the class, but I did change my grading option from a letter grade to pass/no pass. I walked into the office and changed to my letter grading to P/NP, all because I sold myself short.

How often do we allow doubt to take over our thoughts and ambition, preventing us from developing, growing, and learning. I wish I would have had the courage to tell my younger self that I was able and capable, and even if I had to drag my confidence into the classroom, I would show up and not allow fear to physically make me sick. We always have a choice, and I’m glad, sickness and all, I always marched into Morgan Hall, sweated my butt off, and pretended to put my best foot forward.

Xoxo

L O V E : What would you have me know today?

September 5, 2023September 5, 2023Leave a comment

In every season, in every moment, even the painful ones, I have been your rock. When you have thought there was no hope, hope never gave up on you. My heart is grace, although you have had such a difficult time accepting it from me on so many occasions. I am intricately entwined with your spirit, among threads of hope, forgiveness, endurance. I push you forward, hoping you will be relentless, and graceful when you fall. Because you will fall, and you will feel as if I have been shattered, but cry not, for I will recover. I always have and I always will. Forgive and be renewed. Stop overthinking your mistakes, clean up and try again tomorrow. I surround you, and have surrounded you with those who let me live within them.

What have I learned through example

August 24, 2023August 24, 2023Leave a comment

What have I learned from example? I didn’t learn love from example, well, actually I should say I learned it differently from each parent, in a different season of my upbringing. Growing up, most of what I learned about love and showing it to one another came from my father. My father gave to everyone, seldom was the answer no to a need. Obviously he said no to many things in my childhood, but I saw him give so much of himself for, not only our family, but to those around us.

He would help families get back on their feet, a husband struck by addiction, had a home in our (what would now be considered) ADU. I remember my father wanting to stop fights, if he saw them. Never was he ashamed or too embarrassed to help or intervene. He didn’t have to tell me to be kind to everyone, or to help when I saw a need, I learned by watching him. And until this moment, I never questioned where my spirit to help derived from. I guess I would have said, that’s who I am, it’s part of my innate gifts.

But, is it?

Or was it a passive learned behavior from my father? No parent is perfect, and as much I strive to be everything to my kids, I understand that if I can teach them compassion, kindness, and love through actions, maybe I’ve accomplished everything. It’s amazing how much we can discover upon reflection.

Happy Thursday