We were recently in Japan for two weeks for Nate’s black belt karate exam. The seminar itself was only 4 days, but the days were long ang the training intense. Nate and Lei both did great and enjoyed being around friends, while immersed in a completely different culture.
During the seminar we stayed at a very beautiful and ancient temple. We slept on mats on the floor and shared every meal together, served by our kids. We were so excited throughout our stay, that we never took the opportunity to walk the entire property, but saw many tourist come through.
On the last day, we ran up to the hill and tried to take a couple pictures of the place. It was breathtaking, and I was immediately filled with regret. We had stayed here for the last 4 days and missed the opportunity to explore the beauty that’s immersed us. It got me thinking. Is it not often, that we overlook the beauty in front of us, while focused on all the other things happening around us?
Which brings me to gratitude.
I am so grateful for all the beauty I encounter through my children every day. They are still at the age where they wake up, unfazed by worries ( unless their bed heads are too out of control 😂). Morning gratitude, or any time of the day gratitude, is a tool I’ve been using on days when I struggle to feel good about the world. I can’t fix everything, but I can definitely be grateful for all the things that bring me joy.
I hope you are able to find joy throughout your day. And maybe even be grateful for the things that don’t go our way.
I am glad to report that COVID is somewhat contained since my last post from August 2020. The kids have been back in school, there is no more weekly covid testing where cotton swabs are inserted up kid’s noses every Tuesday morning. It was mostly harmless, but every now and then Nate or Lei would complain of a sore nose. I won’t attempt to catch everyone up with our lives, because it would be extremely difficult to summarize the past 2 years into a couple paragraphs. So, here is a synopsis:
Nate is in 5th grade and we are shopping around for middle schools. We are very much undecided and I can’t believe how difficult it has been to make, what in my opinion should be an easy decision, on education. One of my favorite parts about going to Costco (although, I must admit, I don’t go there often anymore), are the options. There is the Kirkland brand and another brand. Easy. Have you ever gone into Target and tried to buy toilet paper? I can never decide! Does my bottom want soft, extra soft, not too soft? I normally walk out with nothing and wait until our order from Costco comes in. Today, we are surrounded by so many options for everything, that life can seem so complex. It’s nice to have other options, in case we want to explore and create, but when is the other option too much?
America was built on options. It was the other for so many. The place where we get to decide what we would like to pursue. I am eternally grateful that my parents were given the other option, for it set an alternative path for me and my siblings.
Definitely not a synopsis, but I’m ok with that. Here is to many more blog posts, updates, and photo dumps. Enjoy highlights from the last couple months.
XO
Nate enjoying Florida 1/2023
Lei as Frida for her Living Museum presentation 12/2022
I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .
Circa 1988
Write. Write. Write.
That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.
Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.
We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.
Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.
I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.
I’m actually a little embarrassed. My own page did not recognize me and had me go through all these loopholes to verify my identity. Once in, my jaw literally dropped when it said the last published post was from July of 2019! No! I gasped. Lately, well, more like the last year, I have written about 20 entries but I have failed to publish them.
Self portrait by Nathan
Hmm. I know, that’s what I said, too. Needless to say, this year has been such a rollercoaster and a blur. I think I had decided what I wanted to actively pursue, once Elea began to get use to staying at her pre-school. I was loving their schools (they both attended different schools last year), and I was ready to start a new season. And then, life as we knew it stopped.
Big kid morning rides
I remember that morning like it was yesterday. It was Wednesday, March 11th. My sister had a newborn at home and I had been doing some grocery shopping for her every couple weeks. I was heading over to Costco to stock her up on her toiletries. One of my very best friends was heading over to Costco herself, so we decided to have a date and meet up for coffee, which would be followed by our Costco shopping. Unbeknownst to us, that Costco trip will never be forgotten. It marked the beginning of COVID for me. It showed me what can happen to kind, normal, level headed human beings, when you do not know what the next day will look like.
America
My cart was taken 3 times, I was pushed and shoved by adults, there were toddlers crying out for their parents as people shoved them away from their guardians, food was being taken from carts that had owners, all the toiletries, including baby essentials, were being taken off the shelves and stocked piled by what felt like out of this world aggressors. I have not felt that afraid since I was a child in elementary school (different story).
Mother’s Day gift from Nathan
I left and didn’t return to Costco. It was a very unsettling feeling. What was happening and were the stores running out of food? Did I miss something on the news? Were we being invaded and never allowed to go to the store again? I lost my friend in the store. We were separated. We called and checked in. She was fine and I was fine. I sat in my car and cried. I was shaking so much I couldn’t even turn on the car. As an adult, I felt helpless to be unable to get something so simple done. I did my breathing exercises and calmed my heart, which felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest.
New Year Day 2020
It was very early. We did not understand what was happening. COVID was just like a cold. COVID was not like a cold. COVID was being used by politicians. COVID was…causing fear. The unknown. I had been following some of the stories about COVID before it was widely known and I was scared. I did not understand what it was and all the confusion around it. But did I need to worry? No one was worried in America. No one was really talking about it. It was a foreign problem. Or so, I was unconsciously thinking this way.
Quarantine beach days
It has been 5 months and 2 days since my family started quarantining. The worries are different every day. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I look forward to bed time so I can sit in silence and tackle my worries one at a time. But then I am reminded by our good, good, Father- He has got this. This does not look like the year I had in mind. I definitely did not anticipate having to teach every day for months, unable to get alone time exceeding the seconds it takes to use the restroom (even then I normally have a guest watching me!). BUT there has been so much goodness come out of these months. They may not be as clear as we would like them to be, but they are present.
Bed time snuggles under the pillow fort kid made bed
I choose to be optimistic. I choose to trust my Father because He has always been there. Every step of the way. In the darkest moments and in my most elated moments. He has given me breath, after breath, even when I thought I could not take the next one. Life is unpredictable, to say the least, but He is faithful. And even if you don’t believe it, and you can’t see it, He works everything for good. Every. Single. Time.
When Emme passed away, a dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful white orchid. It sat inside for a long time, all its blooms fell and yet I kept it. After months, I put it outside. It was a huge orchid that probably looked sad to any passerby. Actually, I did receive a letter in the mail asking me to discard of dead plants that were not enhancing the beauty of our little community. The look of my dead orchid bothered someone enough for them to complain about my garden. I was angry when I read the letter. I though to myself, the shame of this person, unable to see that my orchid has the potential to bloom once again (full disclosure: I didn’t think it would, I just couldn’t get rid of it).
It did. It bloomed again, every year for 4 years. And when it bloomed, it bloomed greater than your average orchid. Though it wasn’t beautiful every day of the year for everyone, it had such a beautiful gift to share. Yet someone wanted me to do away with it because it wasn’t always beautiful.
I wonder how many times I’ve done the same thing. Judged based on what I saw in a quick glance.
Celebrating Nana
This month has been difficult. My heart is filled with so many emotions. Joy from Nathan turning 7 this week, and sadness of not being able to celebrate my mother’s birthday on this side of heaven. Nathan was the first grandchild and every memory of him is one of my beautiful mother loving and nurturing him. I’ve been fighting these tough emotions but it dawned on me yesterday, that I am like that orchid that my neighbor was not able to understand. I do not always have to be happy and it is completely ok to embrace my sadness and all its effects. Simmering in what I feel and why I feel that way, is very healthy for me. Moving forward after the loss of a loved one is a lifelong process. I, out of all people, should know that by now, but it is still a very difficult concept. Time moves so fast but also seems to move sluggishly.
I am embracing my amazing family, all of my little nieces and nephews that fill my heart with joy, and the baby steps I take to move forward. I will welcome every emotion that comes along in between my beautiful blooms.
Preschool was difficult for me. I cried every single morning for 5 months! Every. Single. Morning. I remember it so clearly. Every morning I would get ready for school, walk in with my mom or dad, and then the second I knew they were leaving, I would morph into a wildling. Literally. There was no talking sense into me, there was nothing. I can now see my moms facial expressions and see how stressed out she was, and clearly, tired of dealing with my behavior every morning.
I knew they would come back for me, it was never a questions of being left. My sister and brother were at the same school, in a sweet little town called Santa Maria in Central California. We all got dropped off together and I would be picked up first. Yet, I cried. I loved being with my mom, walking to our local grocery store, ABC, spending our mornings lazily, drinking my warm milk while I snuggled in our very warm cream colored couch, watching my mom move around the kitchen. There was no place I would rather be. I felt safe, loved, and complete. I remember having a very patient preschool teacher, very sweet. Those are the extent of my memories of that period of my preschool year.
My Bryce hiking partner
Christmas came and all the fun activities rolled out. I was skipping next to my mom as we were walking into my school, feeling accomplished that I had “won” that morning’s school battle, and therefore got to go back home with my mom because neither her or the teacher were able to get me to stay. All my classmates were walking out with these beautiful ginger bread houses. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get one, and my very patient teacher’s answer was very simple, “You didn’t stay in school today, so you missed the project.” I was devastated. That moment defined my preschool years and my mother’s freedom. I never cried again.
Fast forward to today. Elea is the same age. Newly turned 4 and very strong willed. Has done amazing in all our Mommy and Me, including drop off in preschool. In the Fall she will be starting a new Spanish immersion school. Big change. She will be leaving all her friends, some of which she’s been with since she was and infant. So after some encouragement from our MFT, I put her in Spanish camp to prepare her transition. I sent Papa to do the drop off. My heart felt heavy and I could almost feel the butterflies in her stomach in mine. I buckled her in and waved goodbye as Papa drove both babes to Spanish camp.
An hour later Papa calls and breathes a sigh of exhaustion, and says, ” that was hard.” My reply was ” thank you for doing that, I think it would have been much harder if I would have done it.” He laughed and said, “I don’t think it could have been any worse.” But I know it could have, because she’s me 30 years ago. I’m sure my Mama is having a ball in heaven this morning.
We just returned from a 2 week road trip that took us from our sweet home to roof top swimming in sin city, watching mountains weep in Zion, doing switch backs with a sick toddler on my back in Bryce Canyon, feeling teeny tiny at the Grand Canyon, and posting up in front of a pool for 72 hours in Lake Havasu. It was an amazing trip with priceless memories. Lei spent about 80% of the trip under the weather but braved through every day, ready to piggyback ride off mom’s back. Once home I started feeling a little off, I figured I had simply caught whatever Lei had, given that she napped on me and slept in my sleeping bag half the time. As I laid out on our couch for the third day, it dawned on me that as much as I wanted to believe I was feeling better, I was pushing through, and in actuality I was feeling worse today than yesterday. So I pulled the trigger and called my doctor, who promptly called me back and determined I have a kidney infection.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, but I have noticed that when I’m under the weather I am a lot more sensitive than I normally am (ok! I am super sensitive) but I cry a lot easier, ok probably about the same, but I do feel like I dream more. I have gone everywhere in my dreams the past couple days. Even back to the NICU, sitting in the light brown rocking chair, looking out the window on the fifth floor. Watching water spark up every several minutes from the lobby water fountain. Emme laid on my chest. I could feel her warmth and her smell. It was so surreal that when I woke up to my quiet home this mid morning, I poured out in tears. The gut wrenching pain and love that circled deep in my chest had been woken and it was coming at me with full force.
I drifted in and out of sleep waiting for medicine to be called in and confirmations to be received via text. I fell asleep to my moms beautiful smile, running across the street as she did a million times in Manhattan Beach to come see Nate. She loved parking across the street because it was easier for her to join incoming traffic when heading home. She would always knock on the door out of breath with a huge smile, holding her arms out as Nate called out for her.
I opened my eyes and saw our jungle gym, blurry from tears and my nearsightedness, but even then, I could clearly see her sliding down the slide with Nate holding on to her neck and Nana gripping on to Ari, as they all giggled down the slide.
I closed my eyes and asked our Father, why am I so sensitive to everything today?! Why does everything take such an emotional toll on me?! I am in a lot of pain but I’m not dying and yet, my body is just flopped on the couch in and out of feelings. Often I want to save the world and feel a bit hopeless when I can’t make everyone’s situation better. Yesterday I received a letter from our little boy in Kenya (sponsor a child here), and his letter overjoyed my heart. This recently turned 5 year old, prayed for my family, a prayer that felt so warm and filling. As I whined to our Father about being too sensitive and instead of BBQ’ing away with my family today, I am laid out on our couch crying off and on, He said, “That’s the way I made you. I love you this way.” Cue the waterworks!
I love hash tagging #choosejoy and it truly is a choice we make. A hard choice because often times, our nature would have us feel bad for ourselves and our current circumstance, but we were created for greatness. We are worthy of everything, just the way we are.
So, Happy 4th of July, everyone! Enjoy every minute of it and #choosejoy even if you are home sick like me 🙂
As I sit in the patio on Lei’s birthday eve, and watch the kids play in the jungle gym, I can’t believe time has moved so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I was meeting Z, falling in love despite everyones warnings of “Wild Z” ;). It seems I blinked and my belly was nice and round, once, twice and three times. My Mami was the happiest Nana. I close my eyes and they fill with warmth. I can feel her leaning against me, filling my heart with joy.
On most days I think I’m done asking questions as to why things unfold the way they do… why loss exists and how horrible it is when it hits home. But the Lord knows that the endless amount of questions will keep coming no matter how fast time moves. Time has the power to make the wound feel less raw but it doesn’t ever make it go away.
There is so much loss in the world that I’ve chosen to actively look for the rays of sunshine and focus on those moments that are priceless and fill my heart with smiles. Today as I watch Nate and Lei play outside, I’m choosing to look out and see the joy in my mother’s smile as she use to love sliding down the slide with both Nate and Aria on her lap. It is so easy to close my eyes, pause, and see it so clearly.
Today I choose my mother’s love and her endless tenderness. I choose to be purpose filled in my actions and continue to trust in the process. I want to love because I am loved. Be kind because kindness is always triumphant. I want to give what I want to receive.
Natey’s school is less than 3 miles away from our home. I can run there in under 30 minutes, but often times it takes me the same amount of time to drive there because of the awful traffic to get onto Lincoln.
Not my Seagull, but one of many photos on-line
Today we successfully left our home before 7:30 am, my ideal time. I have worked it out so I know that if I am out the door before 7:30 am , I can cruise it even if there is a ton of traffic, and I will be on time. This morning we were in a great place! I was second in line to make the dreaded left turn to get onto Lincoln. I was winning! Perhaps I was even going to be at school too early! We were groovin’ to Pete the Cate, when the kids let out “Oh no! Mama! Look at that Seagull!”
I turn around and there it was. A Seagull whose leg was caught in a plastic bag. He was trying to get it off but he was tangled in the bag. There were about 60 cars behind me coming from all directions to get onto my spot. My heart yanked at me to pull over but my mind quickly reminded me that I had a commitment to be at school early. I had accomplished the very difficult task of leaving at my ideal time and now held the best position in queue.
My nephew’s sad face
I maneuvered my car, put my emergency lights on and made an illegal half way turn, and pulled into a little corner. A very dangerous corner to pull into, as I was also going against traffic. Perhaps not the best decision but it is because of us, humans, that this Seagull was now on a path of struggle. I grabbed my Swiss army knife and jumped out of the car. I approached it very carefully but he was clearly scared and wouldn’t let me near. It flew away as far as it could but the bag inflated when he tried to fly higher and down it came. I couldn’t run onto the street, I had broken enough rules, so I jumped in the car, turned around, and got back in line. All the way at the end.
Tears welled up and I began to cry on my drive to school. Earth is such a special place, that we were so lovingly given to take care of. We cohabitate and often times I think we, humans, forget. We can take bird poop off our shirts, but an animal can’t unwrap a plastic bag from its leg. They can’t control warming temperatures. They can’t control what we are taking and how we change their world, too.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, other than do what you can for our amazing planet earth (and try not to break too many rules or put your life in danger while doing it). A lot of animals and nature depend on our behavior and our choices. Pick up an extra piece of trash when you see one on the floor. Recycle. Speak up for those who can’t. Let us remember to be kind not only to each other, but also our Earth and all its inhabitants.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 