A Season of Change

October 17, 2017October 17, 2017Leave a comment

There have been a lot of moving parts to our family the past several months. My Mom is now in heaven, Nathan started Kinder and Elea is in early preschool. Eric is taking on his new role at work, and I’m trying to find the right balance in this new season.

There are mornings like today, when I’m driving through Culver City, passing my mom’s old place, stores she frequented and big smiles she gave as she got in and out of her car. And just as the tears flood down, I come to a stop and the sun shines bright on my skin.

I take a deep breath.

I talk to my mom about how frustrated I’ve been as of late. I had surgery 4 weeks ago. It should have been a very straight forward procedure but it turned out to be more complicated than anticipated. I’ve shed many tears in frustration. Why is my body taking so long to heal? Why couldn’t this have been easier? Why, why, why?!

The answer finally came to me this morning as my eyelids felt the warmth of the sun, on the corner of Jefferson and Playa: what am I being taught about patience?

Patience has always been an area of opportunity for me. But never has it been tested as much as it has this month, both emotionally and physically.

I left the doctors office in tears as she extended my recovery regimen another 3 weeks, with the most difficult being not carrying Elea or Nate and no working out. And as I cried it out with Eric on the phone, I continued to ask myself the question: what am I supposed to be learning here? What am I not seeing?

There is a song by Kristine Demarco where she asks God to help her see things like He does. To help her have vision. I am in desperate need of vision. So although I allow myself a few ( ok, maybe a lot) of crying sessions, I also will continue to ask for vision, to see everything through His eyes. I can’t have a pity party all day, every day.

20171006_130030

So, as I walk through this difficult season I will raise my head up high, even when I really do not feel like doing so and I will yell out:

I am strong and full of life

I am steadfast, no compromise

I lift my sails, to the sky

I’m gonna catch the wind I’m gonna catch the wind

I am bold, no fear inside

Spread my wings, open my life

Like an eagle, whose home is the sky

I’m gonna catch the wind I’m gonna catch the wind

Your faithfulness will never let me down

I’m confident I’ll see Your goodness now

I know You hear my heart, I’m singing out There’s nothing that can stop Your goodness now

I’m going to catch the wind, guys. I really am.

Heart Made Whole

July 15, 2017July 15, 2017Leave a comment

Today I let it all out as I drove. It wasn’t my intention but before I knew it, the trickle of tears turned into a waterfall. It is a mixture of anger and disappointment. I am angry at this horrible disease that preys upon people. No one “loses” a battle against cancer. It is not possible. It is not a battle when we are not given the tools to be able to fight fairly. Yet, cancer affects so many people, and brave they are for giving it there all.

I am disappointed that I wasn’t able to decide how my mom’s life would end. I prayed. I pleaded with God. I called upon him to do something. I got angry, then cried. Then, I did it all over again. No matter how things looked, my heart remained still, just like my mothers. We stood beside her, believing. But my miracle didn’t portray itself the way I expected.

In my experience with grief, the emotions are always unpredictable and I never know what will be a trigger for me. But today, as I drove, I realized that I have been coping by not thinking about it. And although it may be difficult for you to understand, I’ve been waiting for my mom to walk through my door. If I sit in my living room, I can look outside and see her sliding down the jungle gym slide, with her huge smile, holding on tightly to Nate and Aria. When I get in her car, I can hold my breath, as I wait for her to open the door and slide into the passenger seat. I can hear her say, “Ay, Lita” to something we both find peculiar. It takes a couple seconds for my heart to realize she won’t be coming in.

My feelings are justified. Every single feeling. Often times, society expects one to “recover” from the loss of a loved one but after such an immense loss, is it a fair expectation to expect anyone to ever go back to the person they were? Years ago I wrote a piece on the process of being broken and repaired with gold (Kintsukuroi). This gift, of being able to repair a piece with gold and make it more beautiful then it was to begin with, is difficult to do, but it is quite the sight. Its brokeness, once thought to be the end, only increased its value.

I can see the melted gold, moving slowly like lava, filling every crevasse, every hole, every crack, mending even the tiniest fracture. There isn’t anything more perfect than gold- a precious element not vulnarable to oxidation or corrosion. God is my gold. Jesus is my gold. The Holy Spirit is my gold. And though I can’t feel the precious yellow metallic element moving through my brokeness, I know it is there and it is coming. I await its eruption onto my broken soul. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be made whole, again.

Dreams

June 19, 2017June 29, 2017Leave a comment

Nathan celebrating gold in his school olympics

We all dream about things we want to do and who we see ourselves around when fulfilling those dreams. Actually, most of the time we don’t even question who we would be around during those precious moments in our lives, we just assume that they will be there. Dreams keep us going. They are our goals. We strive towards them every day, wanting to make someone proud, fulfilling our own desires, or simply moving towards something different. But what do you do when your dreams are shattered? What happens when your rock is gone? When everything seizes to exist the way it should and time gets cut too short?

Aside from crying a lot, wishing time would rewind and praying every second you can- I’m not sure what else you can do. Nothing feels right and everything feels incomplete. But you take baby steps forward, because you must.

Me & Mami 1988

And this is what I’m re-learning once again. Dreams are not abandoned. They never disappear. They must simply be tweeked due to unexpected changes. The problem is, most of the unexpected changes leave us not wanting to go on. Those dreams now seem fruitless, because the joy in them doesn’t quite feel the same.

Mother’s Day 2016

I was recently gifted a key with the word DREAM engraved in it. My dearest sister wanted to remind me that our dreams must go on, even if everything feels broken. Our mother was our encourager, she loved watching us grow into new roles and would push us forward every time we wanted to throw in the towel.

Crossing the finish line

Seattle glass museum

We did it!

I was in Seattle this past weekend, running a race with my sister. And surprisingly, while I ran I felt great, better than any other time, even though I had ran very little since my mother went home. I had to hold back tears during the last leg of the race because I could feel my mother with me, cheering me on, telling me I could finish strong. And I did, I beat my previous time and felt full of joy. I was proud for doing something I had no desire to do. Honestly, I wanted to stay in our beautiful airbnb and have a pity party with the gloomy Seattle weather.

Nana & Nene Fall 2016

My Mother is not gone, her presence is just different now. And while nothing will ever be the same, things will be good, it will feel great again, perhaps not the way I thought it would; but it will. I know it. And even if I don’t believe it now, I will continue to confess it over myself, until I not only believe, but know it to be true.

On Heart Break

May 12, 2017May 12, 20171 Comment

Let me tell you a story…

A girl was given a carrot, a coffee bean and an egg. They were placed in boiling water and then the girl was asked what would come of them. The carrot came in strong and quickly turned soft. Unable to stay in the battle. The egg hardened, its heart filling with bitterness. The coffee bean changed its atmosphere, instead of allowing the storm to change it. It released its goodness onto the water, not losing itself.

What do you do when your heart is broken into a thousand pieces? Some seasons of our life will be extremely difficult, they will even feel unbearable. You will feel like you can’t be placed back together and perhaps this one storm will feel like the last one you’ll be able to endure. This one will break you. But don’t give in. Don’t let it change you. Don’t allow the storm to harden your heart or to soften your grip. When you feel like you can’t, He will breathe upon your life and you will receive renewed strength.

Sometimes in the midst of the storm, we can’t see the blessings. We can’t see His hand softening our fall. We can’t see how this moment, too, shall expose hope.

My heart is broken. Shattered. Today I feel lost. Words fall short. It is difficult to see the light. It feels as though someone is closing the curtains and I can’t seem to get them to stop. I could cry a river and at the same time there is nothing left because I already filled an ocean.

But I will keep confessing His goodness over me and my entire family because He is good and His promises are not empty. I will be the coffee bean because my mother was a coffee bean and she changed her atmosphere in the midst of hot waters and storms. She never allowed the storm to overtake her. In fact, she showed others how they could see the light in their storm.

So today, I will decide to actively choose joy, dig deep for it, beyond the heartache and loss. I will change my atmosphere, I will not allow the circumstance to change me.

When Life Blooms

April 6, 2017April 6, 2017Leave a comment

Entwined: Mama and Emme Art by Kathy Bauer

A week ago, anticipating today, I sat in my living room having a moment. I ran through every detail to ensure I still remembered. I ran my fingers up and down Emme’s c-section scar ensuring it was real. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes it feels like she’s going to run in and say something silly, as any 3 year old would. I thought about what she’d want her birthday theme to be. I thought about how I would, as always, plan for a small party but end up with a carnival.

Loss. It felt so heavy.

And then Life knocked at my door. As I cried in silence unable to open her box to inhale her smell again, to touch the hair the NICU nurses so gently packed for me, to fold and re-fold the baby clothes she wore for such a short period of time, I heard Nate’s butterfly begin to bat her wings, practicing as she broke through her chrysalis and embraced her new body. Charlie (our almost 2 year old turtle) began to chirp. I could hear the birds outside. In my sorrow, I heard life. There are no words to describe what I felt, but in that moment it was as if I was being told that life was blooming all around me, everywhere, all I had to do was silence my heart and listen.

The chrysalis

The anticipation of Easter has been hard the last couple years. I always felt so betrayed by it. Here comes spring and everything is blooming and there I am, mourning. I will never stop mourning; feeling extremely sad that I wasn’t able to live my life the way I would have liked with Emme. But this year I see life. I see it breaking through. The heaviness surrounds me but it’s not hopeless. No, it is not hopeless.

My Joy

Today Nate got to decide the flavor of Emme’s birthday cake, mama and Lei sang, and we all got to send Emme heavenly kisses.

To the heavens :*

When Your Tire Runs Flat

March 21, 2017Leave a comment

Unbreakable trust

A couple days ago I was leaving my my sister’s place when she noticed that my tire was completely flat. My immediate response was, “oh, that tire is kinda funny, it’s always a little flat.” My sister looked at me like I was crazy, so I walked over to look at the tire. She proceeded with directions: I was to go directly to the nearest gas station and get it taken care of. I obliged. I got out of the car, pulled Elea out of her car seat and proceeded to go inside to pay for the air. I thought I was putting air in the tire but the tire wasn’t looking any better. I re-read the instructions and kept trying. After no success I finally reached inside to grab my phone to call Eric, only to realize I had no phone. So, I looked around and approached the kindest looking person, an older gentleman who I later realized was living out of his car. He walked over and said he would be more than happy to help me. The problem was simple: I never pushed the ON button. He filled the tire and then taught me how to do it. He expressed concern over my safety with such a flat tire and then went on to grab his own meter to show me what I should expect my tire to read every time (the one provided by the gas station was broken).

Joy

Although it felt like it took me 5 minutes to do all this, I was actually at the gas station for almost an hour. As I drove home, I processed the risk of the flat tire and although I knew the car was driving funny, I was completely unaware. And even when my sister was trying to point it out to me, I wasn’t really concerned until I saw how the tire looked post air. My tire pressure light had been on and I still didn’t take the time to look at it, or at least to make sure it wasn’t bad. It is a lot like my gasoline habit. I can get down to zero miles but it doesn’t make me nervous. I know, because I read somewhere (please don’t trust this), that when your car says 0 miles it really can go an additional 20 miles before it leaves you stranded. I have never been stranded but have come pretty close to getting a panic attack, when lost, running low on gas, phone is dead, and am in a completely unknown place (happened to me in December). Yet, I do it again and again.

The love of a father

So, as I processed this issue and my overwhelming amount of trust in my car, I saw a recurring theme. I am capable of trusting wholeheartedly. No problem. But most recently I have found myself teetering between believing whole heartedly in something I know can be done and surrendering hope. Like a tire needing air, I was infused multiple times this past week with unbelievable confirmation that hope is not lost. You see Faith is amazing, but no one said it would be easy. In the midst of the storm, you have to find peace and hold on to it. And while there, you’ll see the beauty of believing. Be the tire that gets infused with hope and faith, because our Father is your rim. So even if you are left without air (or gas), you will keep going even if you wobble through, the rim will keep you upright until you can get infused once again.

P.S. try not to go without air in your tires and/or gas. Trusting in your car is not nearly as good as trusting in God. Whereas eventually I will get stranded, God will never let me down.

The Unexpected Encounter

February 17, 2017Leave a comment

Nathan’s preschool teacher has been sick the entire week and thus we’ve had substitutes every day. I walked into his classroom today hoping she was back, but instead the air was knocked out of me. My hands began to shake the way they do when I have too much caffeine. I squeezed Elea closer to my chest and hoped no one could see the sweat that was starting to form as my body burned. In a blink of an eye, it was Spring 2014. My knees shook and it took all the strength I could muster up to keep me from falling over.

Elea and Mama

Nathan’s substitute for the day was his old teacher, the teacher that held my hand through emails and gentle questions. She encouraged me at a hopeless time. When Emme passed, the last thing I wanted to do was take Nathan to all his classes. I felt ashamed. I felt as though I had failed my daughter. My body had failed to be a safe home for her. I had failed at giving her life. And although I know this is all wrong and completely false, these feelings overpowered me for a long time. I felt worthless.

Mama, Papa, Nathan, Emme’s Bear and Elea in the belly

His teacher emailed me and every time I had the courage to come to class, she always greeted me and Nathan with love. I remember trying to pick up where I left off because Nathan needed his mother, but every time I walked into his school, all I could think about were the things everyone else was thinking. Feeling sorry for me and avoiding me. I now understand that they avoided me because there was nothing good enough to say to a grieving mother whose eyes looked like they were on a short pause from crying. Those days were shattering for me. But I never forgot her because every time I walked in there, it was like she knew and she held my hand through the rest of the school year.

Love

This morning, our eyes met and I knew she remembered. We talked about Nathan but neither one of us had the courage to go back. I wanted nothing more than to give her a big hug and let her know how vital she was to my survival, but I couldn’t. My voice immediately cracked, my eyes filled and my body weakened. I couldn’t say thank you.

I’m not beating myself up about it. Like I have said before, grief is like the ocean waves, you never know which wave will knock you down, but you must get up, over and over again. I truly hope she knows what a beautiful person she is and how her kindness still inspires me. And next time, I hope I can get a step closer to telling her.

xoxo

A Word of Encouragement

February 15, 2017Leave a comment

img_2215-2

Often times I get so caught up with the things I’m asking God for, that I completely forget about the things he so diligently provides me with. The last couple weeks have been a bit difficult for my family as we slowly enter grounds we have never had to before. Last week I dropped Nate off at school, jumped in the car and let it all out. I cried the way Nate and Lei cry when they want one more piece of chocolate and I won’t budge (serious crying here 🙂 ). Thankfully Eric was in the car and he was able to bring me back by reminding me of God’s goodness. And this is the thing, His goodness is so good, it is overwhelming. He is here to overwhelm the things that overwhelm us.

In the midst of difficult moments, He is always there although it may seem as though he is absent. The more I calm my mind and let go, the more I seem to see his hand over my life. Difficult moments will always be part of our life simply because we live on this earth, but they don’t have to be hopeless. God delivers us hope. He has given us the weapons with which to battle against anything. Crying is welcomed. He listens and he loves us for who we are. He understands.

Thankfulness is key. Do what you can for others because you can. You have the power to change the atmosphere of any circumstance. Be bold. Go about your day knowing that he will deliver, because he will. Perhaps not in the way that you expect it, but he will never let you down.

Happy hump day!

To be Brave

December 5, 2016December 5, 2016Leave a comment

Yosemite Family Hike 2015

Bravery is said to be the act of being ready to endure danger or pain; showing courage. But it is so much more than that. We can all take pain or endure danger for our loved ones, especially if you have children.

Nate & friend taking a breather

Life hands us so many things. Some good and some that we would rather hand over and toss in the trash bin. But that’s not the way life works. We must roll with the punches. Play the hand we’ve been dealt. We all end up doing so. And this is where courage takes place. Courage to deal with the worst possible news in the most positive way possible, even when it feel completely unnatural to do so.

2014

I had a conversation with my mother this morning. We’ve been given some life altering news. We sat there processing together, while our hearts felt every emotion in the book. While I came in with the goal that I was coming in to comfort, I was comforted. My mother, she is the epitome of Bravery. She has fought breast cancer since 2001, and never has she given up, lost hope or wavered in her faith. And let me tell you, there been plenty of times and reasons to waver on this long journey.

Thanksgiving 2016

It takes courage to say, no, I don’t want to undergo another chemo therapy session. I don’t want to undergo anymore. It takes courage to say yes to another chemo therapy session. Another radiation session.

It takes courage to support your loved ones’ decision. It takes courage to walk the road with them, hand in hand, every set back, victory and tear. It takes love to hold on to hope, when little has been given. But we are not alone. We’ve never been alone. It’s always been us and our Father, walking in front of us, holding our hand, head high, telling us to keep on, keep on, because the battle is not over.

The power of prayer is remarkable.

The power of love is extraordinary.

The power of kindness is incredible.

Donut love 2016

In the midst of change and an unknown future, pray for our leaders, pray for each other and don’t lose hope.

Xoxo

You are such a douche bag!

October 19, 2016October 20, 2016Leave a comment

My fingers had pressed the button and before I knew it I was yelling it out for all to hear, “YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE BAG!!!” and I would have probably continued had it not been for the little voice coming from the back seat, ” Mommy, that is not very nice”.

Oh man.

So let me give you some back story before you think I was completely in the wrong here. We pulled up to the gas station and like civilized people, we pull up behind the cars that are waiting their turn to fill up with gas. Mind you, we have both kids in the car and we are driving back from church on our way to a friends house for lunch. Along comes Mr. I Don’t Care, against traffic and snuggles right into the number five pump. The pump we were pulling up to. I put up my arms to show him the line behind us and he gives me a hand gesture clearly signifying, I don’t care. My blood boils, the window rolls down, and it is out of my mouth before I can blink.

Nathan playing Emotions Bingo

Patience has never been a virtue of mine. It is very difficult for me to hold my tongue when something is clearly wrong or unkind. But I have 100% improved and managed to be wiser with my words and have gotten proficient at counting to 10 and breathing in and out for the sake of my children and my marriage. I would even go as far as saying, you would think patience was one of my strengths now! I can’t even remember the last time I lost my temper since I have been married. Holy moly! Patience is definitely one of Eric’s strengths and he has done a marvelous job of being the example I need to see every day. But on Sunday, I lost it. I was so shocked by my own actions, I was shaking and paid the price for my actions (immediate headache all day). I had to apologize to Nate for showing him something he shouldn’t do. I explained that mommy was out of hand and why I had gotten so upset. I also gave him examples of what mommy could have done to express her anger.

Surrounded by love

Then I thought to myself (all day, practically) how I allowed myself to get so crazy. And how thankful I was that the other driver wasn’t a maniac. In a world where so much craziness exists, there is really no reason for me to allow someone else’s actions to affect my day. Kindness (in my experience), whether it is returned or not, will always (eventually) bring out the best in most.

Elea at school

BE KIND.

Saturday morning family selfie

We can always be better human beings. Every day I hope to be better than the day before. I hope to teach my children kindness through words and my actions. I want to show them to be kind. To show love. And we all need reminders. So instead of beating myself up for my crazy actions on Sunday, I will choose to see it as a wake up call to remind myself that I can be better and have plenty of room for improvement.

Overpowering evil with good: Nate & Darth Vader

xo,

Karla