The writing blues

November 12, 2023November 12, 20231 Comment

I’ve been meaning to post, but all my time has been consumed in finishing a story I have been working on since last year. I have mentioned it before because I have wanted to throw it away so many times. But thanks to my writing group, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the end coming, and it did. I haven’t edited yet, so I can’t say its complete, but I think I have given an ending. I promise a preview once I’m done. The ending came to me yesterday morning as I sat awkwardly facing at a local cafe. I knew sitting against the wall facing everyone coming in would be weird, but I thought if I worked hard and was fruitful with my time, I wouldn’t have to stay very long.

3 hours later and 3 families brunching right across from me, I was done. I had finished editing other pieces of the story, given the story an ending, and listened in (not intentionally) on 3 loving families. My writing blues were over. I do have to admit, I drank a fresh cup of very strong coffee every hour. I didn’t think I needed it but I felt bad taking the table for so long. By the time I left, my hands were trembling from the caffeine running through my veins and because I was alone, I couldn’t leave my space to run to the restroom. But all funny things aside, I felt accomplished and proud of myself for getting up, showing up, and getting it done. Now whether it’s good or not, will be a topic of discussion for a different blog post. lol.

Anyway, while sitting there every family that came accross spoke a different language, and it was music to my ears. The diversity of Los Angeles is one of my favorite things. I couldn’t help and smile at the 2 year old speaking spanglish and the family who brought their friends to brunch while they visited from China. The flow of language; English, Spanish, Mandarin, back and forth, without skipping a beat. How beautiful it is, when we embrace diversity, and are genuinely curious about differences. It makes for a beautiful world with acceptance.

I hope you all have a wonderful Sunday evening and an even better week!

The new meaning of birthdays

November 2, 2023November 3, 20231 Comment

My mom left this earth in 2017 and since her departure, every morning on the day of my birthday, I wonder what she felt when her water broke on October 31st, 1984. I never bothered to ask her much because I assumed she would be around for a long time. I wonder if she was excited, yet worried that soon enough she would be coming home with a newborn in tow, while she had a 4 and 2 year old eagerly awaiting her arrival. I would have been overwhelmed and maybe shedding some tears thinking of the amount of work I was walking into.

I wonder what her thoughts were when they cleaned me up and handed me over to her. Did it feel like a blanket of love over her body, did she cry from the power of connection she felt? or was it relief she felt at it all being over, especially since she didn’t take any drugs to alleviate the birthing pain. Did she then think about my brother and sister, and yearn to have them present, as her heart expanded a little more to make room for one more. I wonder what she worried about with her third child. I felt relief and fear of the sleepless nights that were upon me. But I wonder if that was even a concern for my mother, who was the baby of the siblings, and whose kids were especially loved by everyone as the youngest around.

I wish I would have spent more time talking to my mother about these little things. Though not very important, they are the little stories I think about when I am laying down at night wishing I had one more night to sit on the couch with mom, holding her soft hands, running my fingers in and out of the outline of hers, while watching Caso Cerrado, the Spanish version of Judge Judy.

My birthday’s remind me so much of my mom. I am super grateful I have memories to lean into and an amazing family to love on.

Shaking it off

October 26, 2023October 26, 2023Leave a comment

You know that feeling you get when you know you are going to be sick? Your body seems to tremble uncontrollably, you start to perspire and you can feel your arm pits begin to itch from the sweat forming droplets. You try to breathe, focusing on the pace, in and out. The knot in your stomach is being twisted and squeezed, like a piece of clothing being washed against stone down by a river in Central America. Sounds severe, and yet, this is how I feel watching Nathan get ready for his XC meets. To anyone else, Nathan looks happy and calm, waiting for the whistle to blow. I can see through the shell. I can feel the tension in his body, the excitement and fear, all the emotions running through him as his eyes move from left to right, adjusting his posture, stretching his legs, shaking them out, as he stands next to his competition.

I ran cross country in high school, but I don’t remember ever feeling sick or nervous on meet days. Maybe I have blocked out the feelings. Nate starts feeling stomachaches on Monday’s and as Wednesday roles around, he makes comments about the torture he will endure, half joking. I recently asked him if he wanted to stop. He glared at me and said, “why would I not run?”

It’s amazing to see how much we can endure, even when it feels like torture. Then you cross the finish line and what overwhelmed you then, is now replaced by joy and relief. When Nate crosses the finish line, he takes a couple second to walk around, compose himself, and then he gives me a big smile.

Yesterday was great! He finished strong and surprisingly the nerves were not overwhelming. As we drove to the meet, he said, “ Hey Mom, I don’t feel that nervous today.” Elea followed with, “Why?” and Nathan’s response was simple and clear, “I don’t know.”

And isn’t this life? Sometimes we feel a certain way and we can’t pin point the cause, but we know it will get better. So, keep in mind the knot in your stomach will not be there forever. You too can shake it off. Happy Thursday!

The feeling of loss

October 11, 2023Leave a comment

I was having a conversation with my coworker on Monday, as we felt as though we had weighted blanket’s over our heads, while an anonymous person added weight by laying over us.

World conflict has the power to take hold of our hearts, squeeze tightly, until you find yourself bending over, as you gasp for breathe.

Remembering to take time to go through your thoughts and feelings, may be helpful this week. Make a plan as to how you can help. And remember your help will probably look different than others, and that’s ok. I am reminding myself to hold friends and families in prayer, and get involved to make a difference in the small way I am able to.

Sending everyone extra love this week.

💛

What did you gain through loss?

September 26, 2023September 29, 2023Leave a comment

In any circumstance, whether joyous or difficult, there is an outcome and we must decide whether or not it is, in fact, loss. Emily Dickinson wrote

My loss, by sickness — Was it Loss?
Or that Ethereal Gain
One earns by measuring the Grave —
Then — measuring the Sun —

Sickness can be interpreted to be anything that afflicts us, it doesn’t necessarily have to be sickness. During loss, I have been able to learn deep lessons, those I would never comprehend had I not had loss so heavy it nearly broke me.

There are images so vivid where I wanted to choose the grave, because the act of breathing itself was painful. While the world around me kept rowing, I was sinking and no one was able to unlock the ball and chain pulling me under. In those moments of silence, when your insides feels betrayed by your lungs, and all goes quiet, the sun never stopped looking for a breakthrough. Months passed before I was able to join the world, in this new body, put back together haphazardly.

I am still working on myself, some days more than others. Today, in everything I do, I look for the rays that cover my skin, reminding me of my purpose and healing journey. Whatever heartbreak, loss, sickness, battle you are fighting, I hope you are able to find glory in the small steps you give every day.

Lei staying positive as we waited for her X-rays last week (she has a bad fall during soccer practice)

Thoughts on Grief and Hope, part 2

September 25, 2023September 26, 2023Leave a comment

Yesterday’s post I wrote 19 months ago, but never published.

Yesterday was a school holiday, but Eric and I had to work. So we decided to wake the kids up early and do some cross country training to help prepare Nate for his first race tomorrow. Nathan, as expected, ran circles around us and complained we were all too slow. Elea swore her legs were giving out, and she couldn’t take another step. Eric was striding along to his music and my mind went back in time, to my parents.

My mom and dad both enjoyed running, well, actually my mom did and I think my dad just went along with it. My siblings and I were paid for laps that we completed on weekdays when my parents would take the entire family running. My parents emphasized health and physical fitness. I was in it for the money, and thought running was hard. I always ended up with a side stitch, couldn’t keep up with my brother, who never left me behind, and never felt fit enough even though I was pretty active. But I was missing the point. As much as my parents wanted us to be healthy, my mom enjoyed walking and running with us. We would talk about everything and anything while going around in circles.

One of my favorites: mom helping Nate learn how to walk

This morning, as I felt the morning’s chill, heard Elea’s complaining and Nathan’s laughter as he left us behind, I could hear mom’s laughter. I had to try very, very, very hard to keep up with Nathan, my face froze as I sped up, and in this moment, when all was quiet, I could almost touch mother’s love as it enveloped us. For all the moments of sadness, there are so many that will fill you with joy, and others that will be a combination of both. In these moments, embrace the feels, let the earth’s saltiness run down your cheeks, the smile take over your entire face and feel the love that transcends space.

What I would say to my father

September 22, 2023Leave a comment

My father was a great father. He was always present and always made sure he had the most awkward conversations with me, no matter what. He was present and demanded our full attention in return. This always annoyed me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. In hindsight, I am grateful. No teenager , at least not in my household, wanted to be smothered by our parents, or asked to share the highs and lows of our day. But my dad, he never let our attitude stop him. It almost made him try harder.

What I would have my father know now, if he would listen, would be that no one ever stops being a parent. Not even in the physical absence of the parent. And we never stop being a daughter or son. It is inevitable that the roles will change, as our parents age or get sick, and we are in our prime time. But our deepest role of child and parent never fades. I’d tell my father I miss him dearly and my heart yearns for the infinite love and tenderness he offered every day; fierce, relentless and selfless.

I wish he’d try a little more today. It doesn’t matter that I’m 38 with children of my own. He was a great father, and I wish he would have finished his role, by continuing to be present and offering his endless love, unsolicited advise, and talking me into taking the latest vitamins on the market.

In his absence, he has taught me the importance of parenting and how important it is to give every single day, regardless of my children’s attitude and their age. He instilled in me a love for my Heavenly Father, for which, I will be eternally grateful.

Have a wonderful weekend knowing you are loved on both sides of heaven 💛

Me and my dad at my graduation from Cal, 2006

Thoughts on Grief and Hope, part 1

February 12, 2022September 25, 2023Leave a comment

I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .

Write. Write. Write.

That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.

Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.

We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.

Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.

I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.

Sleeping Through the Storm

July 21, 2018July 21, 2018Leave a comment

A few months ago we went camping at Point Magu in Malibu. Nate’s school does these camping trips twice a year for families to enjoy and fellowship with other school families. None of us are new to camping. Eric and I both use to do it all the time growing up. It was an amazing time, Nate got to meet new friends and Elea had the time of her life following the big kids around. The kids managed to find a rattle snake, a toad, saw tons of dolphins, whales and so much beauty. Our friends let us borrow a 10 man tent, and we lavished in all our space.

We had two blowup mattresses, one for Eric and Nate and the other for me and Elea. The kids were done and ready for bed after the S’mores had been roasted and eaten. We all snuggled to read under the lantern and within seconds of Harry Potter, the kids were dead asleep. Eric left to go hang out with the other parents, and I, as usual, fell asleep with the kids.

I don’t know what time it was when I awoke to the tent being lifted off the ground, covering my face as though it wanted to suffocate me. My initial reaction was to make sure the kids were ok and had not fallen out of their mattresses. But to my surprise, Elea was snuggled up right next to me, out of her sleeping bag, in blissful sleep. To my left, Nate was sound asleep with half his body out of his sleeping bag. My heart on the other hand, felt like the fishermen on the boat with Jonah. I was panicked, the wind was only getting stronger and I wasn’t sure that my half job at putting in the tent stakes was going to suffice. Eric had gone over some of them making sure they were completely in; I remember feeling annoyed at the time. There was no need for him to go over my work, I had done it right the first time (after hammering my finger!). Now, as I laid in bed, my heart going a thousand miles a minute, shivering in fear, I was thankful for his work.

In the midst of the storm (that’s exactly how it felt), my mind drifted back to the fishermen with Jonah. They must have been so panicked as Jonah slept so blissfully, knowing exactly where the storm was coming from, what was causing it and how he could stop it. How thankful were they to see him get up and throw himself in the water, ending their chaos.

I was in and out of prayer, checking on the kids, hoping that Eric was keeping an eye out on the tent and the storm that raged within. Somehow I managed to sleep a couple hours that night but was completely shocked at how the kids had gone undisturbed. Nate got up once. He completely sat up and said “Mama, what’s going on?” and I responded with “it’s ok, Mama is here, go back to sleep”, and to my surprise, he disregarded the tent bending over backwards, the loud wind breaking sounds, everything inside the tent being thrown around, and went back to sleep. Elea’s sleep was never disturbed.

This was my WOW moment. The whole week I kept reflecting on faith and our ability to sleep through the storm because we know that we are being watched over. Whatever may come, I will be just fine. It baffled me because there are so many different white noise makers to help your babies go to sleep, and sometimes as parents we end up tip toeing around at night to make sure that one squeak won’t wake up our kids, and here we were in a tent that was practically falling over us with high winds that sounded like thunder, yet they slept.

I pray that I am completely inundated by this type of sleep. Come what may, I am staked on the Rock, and though I may not understand the purpose, the what, why, when, how; I am confident that it is all being delicately woven together.

Skirting the Issue

February 27, 2018Leave a comment

There have been so many moments this year when I wanted to sit down and write, and somehow I found something “more important” that needed to be done at that exact moment. But, in all honesty, I am running away from words. Even at this moment, my eyes feel extra heavy and the cup of re-heated coffee sitting next to me doesn’t seem to have the necessary caffeine to make it happen.

Writing has always been my go-to for anything and everything. I have journals filled with words dating back to when not being allowed to go swimming outside with my siblings that one day because I was too sunburned, meant the entire summer was ruined and only my journal understood the devastation. Words were the way I was able to work through anything.

My heart continues to feel heavy and every day my mom gets an earful of my life, and that seems to be enough, but I can feel my heart boiling over with emotions with no outsource. There have been moments when I allow everything to slow down and I am flooded with emotions.

This week while Elea and I sat on the couch, we drifted asleep. She was latched on, and I simmered in that moment. There she was, resting on my chest, breathing, in and out, making baby sleeping sounds, and I cried. I knew that moment was precious and although I was running through a list of things I needed to do, I took it all in.

On Thursday I laid with Nate after Papa had finished the bed time routine. We held hands as we talked about appreciation. He then said, “Mami, you know who I appreciate the most? Nana, I appreciate Nana for the time I had her but I know she’s in heaven now.” My eyes welled up with tears, I held him a little tighter, and said I understood. My heart was broken for him but I also realized that my broken heart needs help.

A couple years ago I had the privilege of speaking at a women’s conference on a couple different topics, but one of them stands out to me at this season of my life. I know I am not Wonder Women but I do come really close. I work really hard at everything I set my mind to, and sometimes a bit too much. Finding the right balance and knowing when you need help, are two things that seem extremely simple and yet are so difficult for me to do at times.

My mom use to always tell me to slow down. She use to tell me that I had to take care of myself first because I couldn’t take care of everyone else if I didn’t place me first. It actually drove her nuts to watch me sometimes. Now, I am not saying that this is bad to do, but I am saying it is easy to over do it. Trust me, I know. And it took a kind man who sees me every week to tell me something I could see my mom telling me through him, to make me come to a complete stop. My heart is broken, and that is completely ok, but it needs caring that only I can allow it to receive.

So in this roundabout blog post, I guess what I’m saying is I’m ready to open my heart to healing. I’m ready to take the first step. And lucky for me, Jesus has always been ready.

Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook

Category: Grief