What I would say to my father

September 22, 2023Leave a comment

My father was a great father. He was always present and always made sure he had the most awkward conversations with me, no matter what. He was present and demanded our full attention in return. This always annoyed me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. In hindsight, I am grateful. No teenager , at least not in my household, wanted to be smothered by our parents, or asked to share the highs and lows of our day. But my dad, he never let our attitude stop him. It almost made him try harder.

What I would have my father know now, if he would listen, would be that no one ever stops being a parent. Not even in the physical absence of the parent. And we never stop being a daughter or son. It is inevitable that the roles will change, as our parents age or get sick, and we are in our prime time. But our deepest role of child and parent never fades. I’d tell my father I miss him dearly and my heart yearns for the infinite love and tenderness he offered every day; fierce, relentless and selfless.

I wish he’d try a little more today. It doesn’t matter that I’m 38 with children of my own. He was a great father, and I wish he would have finished his role, by continuing to be present and offering his endless love, unsolicited advise, and talking me into taking the latest vitamins on the market.

In his absence, he has taught me the importance of parenting and how important it is to give every single day, regardless of my children’s attitude and their age. He instilled in me a love for my Heavenly Father, for which, I will be eternally grateful.

Have a wonderful weekend knowing you are loved on both sides of heaven 💛

Me and my dad at my graduation from Cal, 2006

Identity blues

September 19, 2023September 19, 2023Leave a comment

Often times, throughout our lifetime we go through different seasons where our roles change and with it, our identity. There are permanent roles transcendent ones. And then there are those we are striving towards, or feel we are not good enough to identify with.

I am a daughter, sister, mother, sales professional, writer, story teller, and wife. There are other roles I have come to identify with, and others I have let go.

As part of my ongoing training ( in my profession), I join weekly meetings to listen in on what worked well that week, what did not, and what we I can do better and implement the following week. I love these meetings. They encourage me to constantly look inward and make adjustments. This should be the same way I look at everything in life. How can I be a little better tomorrow?

I’ve recently made it a habit to apologize to Eric for anything where I could have communicated better. For instance, on Monday, I responded to Eric’s question in an overly aggressive tone, and a heavy dose of sarcasm ( I’m actively working on toning this down). It wasn’t necessary, but it fit right in with the mood. My apology that morning wasn’t necessary, but I knew I could’ve done better. My follow up to that apology is to actively tone it down next time, take a breather, and respond with kindness. I want to actively work on being a better partner.

Our identity plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves and who we want to be. And even if you are not there, lasso in that identity and work towards it, and it will become you, or should I say you will morph into it. Take the leap and you shall reap rewards.

Isn’t that His promise towards our life?

Happy Tuesday 💛

Elea’s Mother’s Day card : Mami’s identity

When love notes go wrong

September 15, 2023September 15, 2023Leave a comment

I have a bad habit.

I put the love notes I get from my kids on my dashboard. I love reading these love notes on a daily basis and they bring me so much joy. HOWEVER, they don’t bring anyone else joy when driving my car. Eric hates it and so does my father in law. To be fair, they have borrowed my car many times when my gas has been on empty and gone unaware of it, because my notes cover everything (gas is a different story for another day). I always brush their comments off and move on. It is my car, after all. Well, yesterday, as I was coming home from a 2 hours drive (traffic!), I was too busy chitchatting when my phone fell off my dashboard. It was then that my heart skipped a beat. A tiny one.

My water level was pointing to the red H.

Bummer. I asked my sister what I should do and she quickly said, ” Pull over and call someone!” I thought this was pretty funny because I was on the phone, with her! I pulled over and called Eric. Then I proceeded to wait for Eric, while I was laughing to myself and apologizing to my car. See, my car has been telling me that I need an oil change for weeks now and because my schedule is so tight, I keep pushing it off. Long story short, I ran out of coolant and oil.

How many times do we get warnings about things, over and over and we keep on trucking? Ah, I do this all the time, with everything. I love my car, but I hate the maintenance of it, including getting gas. We can’t run on fumes, and when we continue to run on fumes, stuff blows up. Don’t worry, my engine is fine and I was the first one in the car shop this morning.

I often write about boundaries and saying no, but I have a difficult time with this. In the last several months I have been prioritizing myself, and every little thing I do (however small), empowers me, giving me more time to do the things I love. I’d encourage you to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. Basic information, but life changing if you apply it. I hope you have a fantastic weekend without a roadside adventure 🙂

The impending loom of failure

September 13, 2023September 13, 2023Leave a comment

I have always been afraid of failure. I think it stems from watching my parents give up their entire lives to give me the opportunity to have a choice. Often times the pressure I put on myself turns out to be heavier than the actual task at hand. And then there are times when fear prevents me from taking a risk.

Who wants to fail at anything?

I’ve had my share of failures and every time I’ve failed, I have been stronger, whether I understood it that way or not. Hindsight is always a gift.

As my children get older, I’ve noticed how I can easily place expectations on them that are unrealistic for their age, and development. I want to be the best parent I can be and often times I SUCK at it, especially in the mornings. I am the White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland, counting down the minutes and seconds we have left before I kick everyone out the door. All while my kids and my husband, walk around with no urgency and watching video footage of late night soccer games. Eric likes to say “I’m only showing them the highlights.” Right.

Anyway, every day I get to start over and it is a nice reminder that I need to give myself grace as much as I enjoying giving it. It’s ok not to be perfect and to be scared to do something we haven’t done before, or in a while. Every small change leads to a big change. So as long as I keep trying to do a little better every day, I am winning. I hope you see yourself for the winner you are as well 🙂

A reflection on awkwardness

September 6, 2023September 6, 2023Leave a comment

I was taking an upper division Rhetoric class at Cal my junior year. Half the time, I was lost as to what we were truly discussing. It was one of those classes where you had to reread the passages over and over, and yet you still didn’t quite understand what in the world the philosopher was saying. I would get so nervous walking into this class, I would literally make myself sick, and it was very very loud. My stomach would make the most awkward sounds. I distinctively remember a classmate leaning over and offering me his protein bar. I didn’t know him, but he must have thought I was starving! The noise would cause me to feel so embarrassed, I would start sweating and undergo severe hot flashes. Everyone had to speak and everyone had to read. No excuses. And as you can imagine, this only amplified my hot mess.

I dreaded this class for 3 1/2 months that Fall semester. I never really knew if it was the language barrier that I allowed to get in my head that made me nervous, or question my understanding, but I ended up with an A in the class and a glowing review of my writing. But I didn’t believe it, and least of all, throughout the semester. I didn’t allow myself to drop the class, but I did change my grading option from a letter grade to pass/no pass. I walked into the office and changed to my letter grading to P/NP, all because I sold myself short.

How often do we allow doubt to take over our thoughts and ambition, preventing us from developing, growing, and learning. I wish I would have had the courage to tell my younger self that I was able and capable, and even if I had to drag my confidence into the classroom, I would show up and not allow fear to physically make me sick. We always have a choice, and I’m glad, sickness and all, I always marched into Morgan Hall, sweated my butt off, and pretended to put my best foot forward.

Xoxo

Thoughts on Grief and Hope, part 1

February 12, 2022September 25, 2023Leave a comment

I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .

Write. Write. Write.

That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.

Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.

We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.

Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.

I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.

Sleeping Through the Storm

July 21, 2018July 21, 2018Leave a comment

A few months ago we went camping at Point Magu in Malibu. Nate’s school does these camping trips twice a year for families to enjoy and fellowship with other school families. None of us are new to camping. Eric and I both use to do it all the time growing up. It was an amazing time, Nate got to meet new friends and Elea had the time of her life following the big kids around. The kids managed to find a rattle snake, a toad, saw tons of dolphins, whales and so much beauty. Our friends let us borrow a 10 man tent, and we lavished in all our space.

We had two blowup mattresses, one for Eric and Nate and the other for me and Elea. The kids were done and ready for bed after the S’mores had been roasted and eaten. We all snuggled to read under the lantern and within seconds of Harry Potter, the kids were dead asleep. Eric left to go hang out with the other parents, and I, as usual, fell asleep with the kids.

I don’t know what time it was when I awoke to the tent being lifted off the ground, covering my face as though it wanted to suffocate me. My initial reaction was to make sure the kids were ok and had not fallen out of their mattresses. But to my surprise, Elea was snuggled up right next to me, out of her sleeping bag, in blissful sleep. To my left, Nate was sound asleep with half his body out of his sleeping bag. My heart on the other hand, felt like the fishermen on the boat with Jonah. I was panicked, the wind was only getting stronger and I wasn’t sure that my half job at putting in the tent stakes was going to suffice. Eric had gone over some of them making sure they were completely in; I remember feeling annoyed at the time. There was no need for him to go over my work, I had done it right the first time (after hammering my finger!). Now, as I laid in bed, my heart going a thousand miles a minute, shivering in fear, I was thankful for his work.

In the midst of the storm (that’s exactly how it felt), my mind drifted back to the fishermen with Jonah. They must have been so panicked as Jonah slept so blissfully, knowing exactly where the storm was coming from, what was causing it and how he could stop it. How thankful were they to see him get up and throw himself in the water, ending their chaos.

I was in and out of prayer, checking on the kids, hoping that Eric was keeping an eye out on the tent and the storm that raged within. Somehow I managed to sleep a couple hours that night but was completely shocked at how the kids had gone undisturbed. Nate got up once. He completely sat up and said “Mama, what’s going on?” and I responded with “it’s ok, Mama is here, go back to sleep”, and to my surprise, he disregarded the tent bending over backwards, the loud wind breaking sounds, everything inside the tent being thrown around, and went back to sleep. Elea’s sleep was never disturbed.

This was my WOW moment. The whole week I kept reflecting on faith and our ability to sleep through the storm because we know that we are being watched over. Whatever may come, I will be just fine. It baffled me because there are so many different white noise makers to help your babies go to sleep, and sometimes as parents we end up tip toeing around at night to make sure that one squeak won’t wake up our kids, and here we were in a tent that was practically falling over us with high winds that sounded like thunder, yet they slept.

I pray that I am completely inundated by this type of sleep. Come what may, I am staked on the Rock, and though I may not understand the purpose, the what, why, when, how; I am confident that it is all being delicately woven together.

Skirting the Issue

February 27, 2018Leave a comment

There have been so many moments this year when I wanted to sit down and write, and somehow I found something “more important” that needed to be done at that exact moment. But, in all honesty, I am running away from words. Even at this moment, my eyes feel extra heavy and the cup of re-heated coffee sitting next to me doesn’t seem to have the necessary caffeine to make it happen.

Writing has always been my go-to for anything and everything. I have journals filled with words dating back to when not being allowed to go swimming outside with my siblings that one day because I was too sunburned, meant the entire summer was ruined and only my journal understood the devastation. Words were the way I was able to work through anything.

My heart continues to feel heavy and every day my mom gets an earful of my life, and that seems to be enough, but I can feel my heart boiling over with emotions with no outsource. There have been moments when I allow everything to slow down and I am flooded with emotions.

This week while Elea and I sat on the couch, we drifted asleep. She was latched on, and I simmered in that moment. There she was, resting on my chest, breathing, in and out, making baby sleeping sounds, and I cried. I knew that moment was precious and although I was running through a list of things I needed to do, I took it all in.

On Thursday I laid with Nate after Papa had finished the bed time routine. We held hands as we talked about appreciation. He then said, “Mami, you know who I appreciate the most? Nana, I appreciate Nana for the time I had her but I know she’s in heaven now.” My eyes welled up with tears, I held him a little tighter, and said I understood. My heart was broken for him but I also realized that my broken heart needs help.

A couple years ago I had the privilege of speaking at a women’s conference on a couple different topics, but one of them stands out to me at this season of my life. I know I am not Wonder Women but I do come really close. I work really hard at everything I set my mind to, and sometimes a bit too much. Finding the right balance and knowing when you need help, are two things that seem extremely simple and yet are so difficult for me to do at times.

My mom use to always tell me to slow down. She use to tell me that I had to take care of myself first because I couldn’t take care of everyone else if I didn’t place me first. It actually drove her nuts to watch me sometimes. Now, I am not saying that this is bad to do, but I am saying it is easy to over do it. Trust me, I know. And it took a kind man who sees me every week to tell me something I could see my mom telling me through him, to make me come to a complete stop. My heart is broken, and that is completely ok, but it needs caring that only I can allow it to receive.

So in this roundabout blog post, I guess what I’m saying is I’m ready to open my heart to healing. I’m ready to take the first step. And lucky for me, Jesus has always been ready.

Through a Glass Window

December 6, 2017December 6, 2017Leave a comment

On Saturday, my sisters and I hosted our 6th annual holiday cookie party. It was our first without our mama, and every day leading up to the day, I thought about canceling. I thought it would be better to go without this year. Nothing feels the same without her and most things just make me miss her even more. My mom never made a cookie for our party, but she brought the best stuff, the tamales we always serve and Arroz con Leche (a rice drink somewhat similar to rice pudding). And if she couldn’t make it, she made sure her goodies always did.

Thanksgiving was over and the heaviness of it had lifted. And now the cookie party was giving me a little bit of anxiety. Where do we get the tamales from? Would it be ok if we cancel? Why did we send the invitations? Thankfully my sister was able to get us a fantastic contact and the tamales were delivered and were just as yummy. But the tamales were never the problem. It was her presence that I wanted so badly. The presence of love, joy and so much laughter you almost pee your pants (Nathan is going through this stage right now).

The cookies began to arrive and soon enough the house was full, all the christmas decorations were singing, blinking their lights, going round and round their tracks, and laughter filled the walls. It felt surreal. Physically I was very much present, but I felt like I was watching all this from a glass window. I could see my sisters laughing, tasting, and through their eyes I could see joy. It was a like the spirit of joy was going in and out, zig-zagging through each guest. My heart went from incompleteness to an incredible feeling of fulfillment. I walked in and out from the first living room, through the cookie room, right to the Christmas tree room, and every room was filled with laughter.

The night was perfect. The anxiety had vanished and had been replaced with heart warming love. I went home so full of love and joy, I felt it would burst from the seams. The best part was the feeling that mom was there, too. I felt like she was proud that my sisters and I continued something so simple yet hard to put together without her. She was proud that we opened our hearts and gave them the opportunity to fill with joy. She was proud that we chose to give joy a chance, when we could have easily cancelled it.

So this week started with a high and I hope it will end that way. I will choose to keep my heart open for now and remind myself of the goodness that will continue to fall upon me and my family, because now my mom is in heaven, and she, of course, sends extra joy down to her babies (grandkids included 😉 ).

The Thanksgiving Blues

November 27, 2017November 27, 20171 Comment

Mother’s Day 2016

I am glad this week is wrapping up. It has been full of low’s and high’s, and lots of tears. As a parent you can’t skip holidays, even if your heart is asking you to. My children love decorating and making our home feel warm and cozy. The last several months have made me feel like an actress, trying to convince my children that all is well. Pushing through the days full of activities and school engagements.

Thanksgiving 2016

Every year at our Thanksgiving dinner we go around the table randomly picking a colored M&M, telling everyone what we are thankful for given the category assigned to the colored chocolate. My mom was infamous. She always started with the category and then moved on to a speech on thankfulness. I can remember almost verbatim what she said last year. This year I searched my heart, and I knew I had millions things to be thankful for, yet I felt empty. I felt unthankful. I wasn’t given enough. This year came up short. By a lot. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was not very pleasant to be around. So, I avoided the chocolate aisle at the stores and focused on having a good time with the kids on their week off and training for our Turkey Trot in downtown LA.

Turkey Trot 2017

My heart asked me to go to our Thanksgiving church service Wednesday at noon, and although I wanted to give in, I found a list of reasons why I couldn’t go. But I mustered the courage to go against my distraught self. We were late but we made it. Elea went to the children’s nursery and Nathan went into the main sanctuary with me, as it was a special family service. We proceeded to sit all the way in the back. Physically my body was present, but my mind was going 100 miles a minute, inundated by thoughts. Then Nate tapped my leg and asked me what was on the screen.

Pastor Jeff was showing us pictures of the Universe, stars, and beauty that exists beyond our eyes. And then he proceeded to say the following, and I paraphrase:

What is man? So precious to Him that he sent Jesus to die for us.

He made the universe; but he’s thinking of you. All the rest, the beauty in galaxies, he does on his spare time. He is thinking of us.

He does all these things to awe us. He thinks about me. About my family. He collects my tears in a bottle. He is concerned with the details of my life. And yet he created the heavens. He is the same God that wants to take care of my needs. He has never not cared about me.

Before I was even born, he cared about me (Gills, 2017).

Emme photographed by Hannah Sons

Now, I know this to be true, just like I know I have so many things to be thankful for. But my heart needed to hear it and I needed to feel it. And in that moment I did. I kept reminding myself of it the rest of the week. I kept reminding myself of it every time I cried, as I started my Turkey Trot with tears in my eyes, as I sat around an amazing dinner table full of loved ones, and as I sit here now, missing my mama.

My heart

Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook

Category: hope