Often times, throughout our lifetime we go through different seasons where our roles change and with it, our identity. There are permanent roles transcendent ones. And then there are those we are striving towards, or feel we are not good enough to identify with.
I am a daughter, sister, mother, sales professional, writer, story teller, and wife. There are other roles I have come to identify with, and others I have let go.
As part of my ongoing training ( in my profession), I join weekly meetings to listen in on what worked well that week, what did not, and what we I can do better and implement the following week. I love these meetings. They encourage me to constantly look inward and make adjustments. This should be the same way I look at everything in life. How can I be a little better tomorrow?
I’ve recently made it a habit to apologize to Eric for anything where I could have communicated better. For instance, on Monday, I responded to Eric’s question in an overly aggressive tone, and a heavy dose of sarcasm ( I’m actively working on toning this down). It wasn’t necessary, but it fit right in with the mood. My apology that morning wasn’t necessary, but I knew I could’ve done better. My follow up to that apology is to actively tone it down next time, take a breather, and respond with kindness. I want to actively work on being a better partner.
Our identity plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves and who we want to be. And even if you are not there, lasso in that identity and work towards it, and it will become you, or should I say you will morph into it. Take the leap and you shall reap rewards.
I have always been afraid of failure. I think it stems from watching my parents give up their entire lives to give me the opportunity to have a choice. Often times the pressure I put on myself turns out to be heavier than the actual task at hand. And then there are times when fear prevents me from taking a risk.
Who wants to fail at anything?
I’ve had my share of failures and every time I’ve failed, I have been stronger, whether I understood it that way or not. Hindsight is always a gift.
As my children get older, I’ve noticed how I can easily place expectations on them that are unrealistic for their age, and development. I want to be the best parent I can be and often times I SUCK at it, especially in the mornings. I am the White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland, counting down the minutes and seconds we have left before I kick everyone out the door. All while my kids and my husband, walk around with no urgency and watching video footage of late night soccer games. Eric likes to say “I’m only showing them the highlights.” Right.
Anyway, every day I get to start over and it is a nice reminder that I need to give myself grace as much as I enjoying giving it. It’s ok not to be perfect and to be scared to do something we haven’t done before, or in a while. Every small change leads to a big change. So as long as I keep trying to do a little better every day, I am winning. I hope you see yourself for the winner you are as well 🙂
This weekend was my sister’s Bachelorette weekend and it was wonderful, up until we got back home and I got into my car to drive home. I quickly realized there was a huge prickly, crab looking spider living in my side-view mirror. It was enormous! I tried going faster on the highway so it would fly away, but it only seemed to tighten its grip. So I decided I would have my children sacrifice themselves and try and get the spider, but neither of them would take me up on the offer. To their defense, it is probably the biggest spider we have every seen outside of a safe enclosed space.
So we decided on the next best thing, the car wash. We went to a tunnel car wash and got the best car wash we could with the limited time we had, hoping the wraparounds would wash it off. We yelled as the soap was dispensed, water shot at our car, and the spider crab didn’t even flinch. “Oh no Mami, it’s not going to work! ” the kids yelled, and I honestly thought we were doomed. This spider crab probably laid eggs and will not be taken down by anything or anyone!
Then the grand finale- the dryers! They blew for what felt like an eternity, before the crab spider finally let go and flew by Nate’s window. “Yay!” we all cheered. We were done. Mission complete.
I couldn’t get the spider off my mind all day. She was relentless and unmoving, despite all the things I did to it all day. Speeding down the highway, poking at it with a stick, and going through a tunnel of torture seemed useless, until the very end. I hope that I have a slice of the grit this crab spider had. Life can be very much like her one day with me. Countless “things” will come our way, and we have to be anchored and go to battle, and be ok with the outcome, knowing we fought back. Failure shouldn’t hold us back.
I hope you have the courage to stand and take the spirit of the spider crab that lives within you.
I was taking an upper division Rhetoric class at Cal my junior year. Half the time, I was lost as to what we were truly discussing. It was one of those classes where you had to reread the passages over and over, and yet you still didn’t quite understand what in the world the philosopher was saying. I would get so nervous walking into this class, I would literally make myself sick, and it was very very loud. My stomach would make the most awkward sounds. I distinctively remember a classmate leaning over and offering me his protein bar. I didn’t know him, but he must have thought I was starving! The noise would cause me to feel so embarrassed, I would start sweating and undergo severe hot flashes. Everyone had to speak and everyone had to read. No excuses. And as you can imagine, this only amplified my hot mess.
I dreaded this class for 3 1/2 months that Fall semester. I never really knew if it was the language barrier that I allowed to get in my head that made me nervous, or question my understanding, but I ended up with an A in the class and a glowing review of my writing. But I didn’t believe it, and least of all, throughout the semester. I didn’t allow myself to drop the class, but I did change my grading option from a letter grade to pass/no pass. I walked into the office and changed to my letter grading to P/NP, all because I sold myself short.
How often do we allow doubt to take over our thoughts and ambition, preventing us from developing, growing, and learning. I wish I would have had the courage to tell my younger self that I was able and capable, and even if I had to drag my confidence into the classroom, I would show up and not allow fear to physically make me sick. We always have a choice, and I’m glad, sickness and all, I always marched into Morgan Hall, sweated my butt off, and pretended to put my best foot forward.
In every season, in every moment, even the painful ones, I have been your rock. When you have thought there was no hope, hope never gave up on you. My heart is grace, although you have had such a difficult time accepting it from me on so many occasions. I am intricately entwined with your spirit, among threads of hope, forgiveness, endurance. I push you forward, hoping you will be relentless, and graceful when you fall. Because you will fall, and you will feel as if I have been shattered, but cry not, for I will recover. I always have and I always will. Forgive and be renewed. Stop overthinking your mistakes, clean up and try again tomorrow. I surround you, and have surrounded you with those who let me live within them.
What have I learned from example? I didn’t learn love from example, well, actually I should say I learned it differently from each parent, in a different season of my upbringing. Growing up, most of what I learned about love and showing it to one another came from my father. My father gave to everyone, seldom was the answer no to a need. Obviously he said no to many things in my childhood, but I saw him give so much of himself for, not only our family, but to those around us.
He would help families get back on their feet, a husband struck by addiction, had a home in our (what would now be considered) ADU. I remember my father wanting to stop fights, if he saw them. Never was he ashamed or too embarrassed to help or intervene. He didn’t have to tell me to be kind to everyone, or to help when I saw a need, I learned by watching him. And until this moment, I never questioned where my spirit to help derived from. I guess I would have said, that’s who I am, it’s part of my innate gifts.
But, is it?
Or was it a passive learned behavior from my father? No parent is perfect, and as much I strive to be everything to my kids, I understand that if I can teach them compassion, kindness, and love through actions, maybe I’ve accomplished everything. It’s amazing how much we can discover upon reflection.
We were recently in Japan for two weeks for Nate’s black belt karate exam. The seminar itself was only 4 days, but the days were long ang the training intense. Nate and Lei both did great and enjoyed being around friends, while immersed in a completely different culture.
During the seminar we stayed at a very beautiful and ancient temple. We slept on mats on the floor and shared every meal together, served by our kids. We were so excited throughout our stay, that we never took the opportunity to walk the entire property, but saw many tourist come through.
On the last day, we ran up to the hill and tried to take a couple pictures of the place. It was breathtaking, and I was immediately filled with regret. We had stayed here for the last 4 days and missed the opportunity to explore the beauty that’s immersed us. It got me thinking. Is it not often, that we overlook the beauty in front of us, while focused on all the other things happening around us?
Which brings me to gratitude.
I am so grateful for all the beauty I encounter through my children every day. They are still at the age where they wake up, unfazed by worries ( unless their bed heads are too out of control 😂). Morning gratitude, or any time of the day gratitude, is a tool I’ve been using on days when I struggle to feel good about the world. I can’t fix everything, but I can definitely be grateful for all the things that bring me joy.
I hope you are able to find joy throughout your day. And maybe even be grateful for the things that don’t go our way.
I am glad to report that COVID is somewhat contained since my last post from August 2020. The kids have been back in school, there is no more weekly covid testing where cotton swabs are inserted up kid’s noses every Tuesday morning. It was mostly harmless, but every now and then Nate or Lei would complain of a sore nose. I won’t attempt to catch everyone up with our lives, because it would be extremely difficult to summarize the past 2 years into a couple paragraphs. So, here is a synopsis:
Nate is in 5th grade and we are shopping around for middle schools. We are very much undecided and I can’t believe how difficult it has been to make, what in my opinion should be an easy decision, on education. One of my favorite parts about going to Costco (although, I must admit, I don’t go there often anymore), are the options. There is the Kirkland brand and another brand. Easy. Have you ever gone into Target and tried to buy toilet paper? I can never decide! Does my bottom want soft, extra soft, not too soft? I normally walk out with nothing and wait until our order from Costco comes in. Today, we are surrounded by so many options for everything, that life can seem so complex. It’s nice to have other options, in case we want to explore and create, but when is the other option too much?
America was built on options. It was the other for so many. The place where we get to decide what we would like to pursue. I am eternally grateful that my parents were given the other option, for it set an alternative path for me and my siblings.
Definitely not a synopsis, but I’m ok with that. Here is to many more blog posts, updates, and photo dumps. Enjoy highlights from the last couple months.
XO
Nate enjoying Florida 1/2023
Lei as Frida for her Living Museum presentation 12/2022
I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .
Circa 1988
Write. Write. Write.
That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.
Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.
We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.
Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.
I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.
I’m actually a little embarrassed. My own page did not recognize me and had me go through all these loopholes to verify my identity. Once in, my jaw literally dropped when it said the last published post was from July of 2019! No! I gasped. Lately, well, more like the last year, I have written about 20 entries but I have failed to publish them.
Self portrait by Nathan
Hmm. I know, that’s what I said, too. Needless to say, this year has been such a rollercoaster and a blur. I think I had decided what I wanted to actively pursue, once Elea began to get use to staying at her pre-school. I was loving their schools (they both attended different schools last year), and I was ready to start a new season. And then, life as we knew it stopped.
Big kid morning rides
I remember that morning like it was yesterday. It was Wednesday, March 11th. My sister had a newborn at home and I had been doing some grocery shopping for her every couple weeks. I was heading over to Costco to stock her up on her toiletries. One of my very best friends was heading over to Costco herself, so we decided to have a date and meet up for coffee, which would be followed by our Costco shopping. Unbeknownst to us, that Costco trip will never be forgotten. It marked the beginning of COVID for me. It showed me what can happen to kind, normal, level headed human beings, when you do not know what the next day will look like.
America
My cart was taken 3 times, I was pushed and shoved by adults, there were toddlers crying out for their parents as people shoved them away from their guardians, food was being taken from carts that had owners, all the toiletries, including baby essentials, were being taken off the shelves and stocked piled by what felt like out of this world aggressors. I have not felt that afraid since I was a child in elementary school (different story).
Mother’s Day gift from Nathan
I left and didn’t return to Costco. It was a very unsettling feeling. What was happening and were the stores running out of food? Did I miss something on the news? Were we being invaded and never allowed to go to the store again? I lost my friend in the store. We were separated. We called and checked in. She was fine and I was fine. I sat in my car and cried. I was shaking so much I couldn’t even turn on the car. As an adult, I felt helpless to be unable to get something so simple done. I did my breathing exercises and calmed my heart, which felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest.
New Year Day 2020
It was very early. We did not understand what was happening. COVID was just like a cold. COVID was not like a cold. COVID was being used by politicians. COVID was…causing fear. The unknown. I had been following some of the stories about COVID before it was widely known and I was scared. I did not understand what it was and all the confusion around it. But did I need to worry? No one was worried in America. No one was really talking about it. It was a foreign problem. Or so, I was unconsciously thinking this way.
Quarantine beach days
It has been 5 months and 2 days since my family started quarantining. The worries are different every day. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I look forward to bed time so I can sit in silence and tackle my worries one at a time. But then I am reminded by our good, good, Father- He has got this. This does not look like the year I had in mind. I definitely did not anticipate having to teach every day for months, unable to get alone time exceeding the seconds it takes to use the restroom (even then I normally have a guest watching me!). BUT there has been so much goodness come out of these months. They may not be as clear as we would like them to be, but they are present.
Bed time snuggles under the pillow fort kid made bed
I choose to be optimistic. I choose to trust my Father because He has always been there. Every step of the way. In the darkest moments and in my most elated moments. He has given me breath, after breath, even when I thought I could not take the next one. Life is unpredictable, to say the least, but He is faithful. And even if you don’t believe it, and you can’t see it, He works everything for good. Every. Single. Time.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 