Thoughts on Starting Over

January 15, 2018Leave a comment

The end of the year was difficult. All I wanted to do was nestle in my bed and hit fast forward. I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to a new year, but I couldn’t deal with the current one. Somehow it felt as if the longer I held on to 2017, I was holding on to Mom, like the year really hadn’t happened. The new year meant it was real. We were starting the year without her physical presence. And though I was torn between fast forward and rewind, my sweet babies were bent on slow motion. Every day being celebrated and every Time Hop movie and picture being replayed (Lei is obsessed with memory hops).

But I’ve been here before, the place where everything hurts physically and emotionally, because there has been a void left. My mom always said the people who passed were always happy, for they were in perfection; heaven, where worries existed no longer. The ones left behind, they were the ones that suffered. They had to learn to live without.

I have started over before. April 13th, 2014 defines me. If there was any point in my life where I no longer wanted to be present, that was the day. My life as I knew it had changed, and I had two choices: break or give it all to try and take baby steps forward. I was broken, for months, I was broken and just when I thought I couldn’t go on, I did. That first step took 6 months to give. And when I gave it, I was proud of myself. Emme defined me and made me the whole person I am today. And my Mom, she’s the cherry on top. And God, well, he is serving the banana split. Making sure everything stays together and when more is needed, he is there to give it.

I am kind. I am strong. I am full of life. I am steadfast. I am joy filled. I am loved. I am favored. I am light.

So as the year begins, I will embrace every scar left, those open, those healing, and those still sensitive to the touch. My mom is my witness now, she’s my cheerleader in heaven, and if I close my eyes, I can clearly see her standing on top of a hill, the sun radiating from her skin, the gentle winds swinging her dress from one side to the other, her hair whisking as she gives me her gigantic smile.

Through a Glass Window

December 6, 2017December 6, 2017Leave a comment

On Saturday, my sisters and I hosted our 6th annual holiday cookie party. It was our first without our mama, and every day leading up to the day, I thought about canceling. I thought it would be better to go without this year. Nothing feels the same without her and most things just make me miss her even more. My mom never made a cookie for our party, but she brought the best stuff, the tamales we always serve and Arroz con Leche (a rice drink somewhat similar to rice pudding). And if she couldn’t make it, she made sure her goodies always did.

Thanksgiving was over and the heaviness of it had lifted. And now the cookie party was giving me a little bit of anxiety. Where do we get the tamales from? Would it be ok if we cancel? Why did we send the invitations? Thankfully my sister was able to get us a fantastic contact and the tamales were delivered and were just as yummy. But the tamales were never the problem. It was her presence that I wanted so badly. The presence of love, joy and so much laughter you almost pee your pants (Nathan is going through this stage right now).

The cookies began to arrive and soon enough the house was full, all the christmas decorations were singing, blinking their lights, going round and round their tracks, and laughter filled the walls. It felt surreal. Physically I was very much present, but I felt like I was watching all this from a glass window. I could see my sisters laughing, tasting, and through their eyes I could see joy. It was a like the spirit of joy was going in and out, zig-zagging through each guest. My heart went from incompleteness to an incredible feeling of fulfillment. I walked in and out from the first living room, through the cookie room, right to the Christmas tree room, and every room was filled with laughter.

The night was perfect. The anxiety had vanished and had been replaced with heart warming love. I went home so full of love and joy, I felt it would burst from the seams. The best part was the feeling that mom was there, too. I felt like she was proud that my sisters and I continued something so simple yet hard to put together without her. She was proud that we opened our hearts and gave them the opportunity to fill with joy. She was proud that we chose to give joy a chance, when we could have easily cancelled it.

So this week started with a high and I hope it will end that way. I will choose to keep my heart open for now and remind myself of the goodness that will continue to fall upon me and my family, because now my mom is in heaven, and she, of course, sends extra joy down to her babies (grandkids included 😉 ).

The Thanksgiving Blues

November 27, 2017November 27, 20171 Comment

Mother’s Day 2016

I am glad this week is wrapping up. It has been full of low’s and high’s, and lots of tears. As a parent you can’t skip holidays, even if your heart is asking you to. My children love decorating and making our home feel warm and cozy. The last several months have made me feel like an actress, trying to convince my children that all is well. Pushing through the days full of activities and school engagements.

Thanksgiving 2016

Every year at our Thanksgiving dinner we go around the table randomly picking a colored M&M, telling everyone what we are thankful for given the category assigned to the colored chocolate. My mom was infamous. She always started with the category and then moved on to a speech on thankfulness. I can remember almost verbatim what she said last year. This year I searched my heart, and I knew I had millions things to be thankful for, yet I felt empty. I felt unthankful. I wasn’t given enough. This year came up short. By a lot. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was not very pleasant to be around. So, I avoided the chocolate aisle at the stores and focused on having a good time with the kids on their week off and training for our Turkey Trot in downtown LA.

Turkey Trot 2017

My heart asked me to go to our Thanksgiving church service Wednesday at noon, and although I wanted to give in, I found a list of reasons why I couldn’t go. But I mustered the courage to go against my distraught self. We were late but we made it. Elea went to the children’s nursery and Nathan went into the main sanctuary with me, as it was a special family service. We proceeded to sit all the way in the back. Physically my body was present, but my mind was going 100 miles a minute, inundated by thoughts. Then Nate tapped my leg and asked me what was on the screen.

Pastor Jeff was showing us pictures of the Universe, stars, and beauty that exists beyond our eyes. And then he proceeded to say the following, and I paraphrase:

What is man? So precious to Him that he sent Jesus to die for us.

He made the universe; but he’s thinking of you. All the rest, the beauty in galaxies, he does on his spare time. He is thinking of us.

He does all these things to awe us. He thinks about me. About my family. He collects my tears in a bottle. He is concerned with the details of my life. And yet he created the heavens. He is the same God that wants to take care of my needs. He has never not cared about me.

Before I was even born, he cared about me (Gills, 2017).

Emme photographed by Hannah Sons

Now, I know this to be true, just like I know I have so many things to be thankful for. But my heart needed to hear it and I needed to feel it. And in that moment I did. I kept reminding myself of it the rest of the week. I kept reminding myself of it every time I cried, as I started my Turkey Trot with tears in my eyes, as I sat around an amazing dinner table full of loved ones, and as I sit here now, missing my mama.

My heart

A Needle in a Haystack

November 7, 2017November 7, 2017Leave a comment

Birthday hike

Last week as we waited for the garage door to open, I decided to fix my crazy mom bun before we started our commute to Nate’s school. As I pulled my hair up, my ear tugged and I heard a clinking sound. I touched my ear and I immediately knew my earring had fallen off. Somehow my hair must have gotten caught between my ear and the earring clasp.

My everything

I searched the car for hours. Every crevice. Stuck my fingers in every little hole. Vacuumed with so much diligence with my handy-dandy see through mini dirt devil; to no avail. My diamond isn’t gone. I know where it is, at least the vicinity. I just can’t wear it.

My little explorers

Surprisingly, I don’t feel too bad about it because I’m ( weirdly) being comforted by the fact that I know where it is. And there is hope that one day, as I get in the car, something will sparkle and I will see it. And I will be overjoyed.

My girls

I like to believe that He is saving the find for a day where I’ll need an immense inflow of joy. I find myself believing it to be a truth; an event yet to take place.

This is hope. This is faith. Believing in the unseen. Believing that goodness will come. I’m choosing to hope, and I know I’m very good at hoping.

My rock of faith holding our redemption

💛 Happy Tuesday 💛

A Series of Events

October 31, 2017October 31, 2017Leave a comment

In the last couple weeks, the Zurbrugg household has wrecked a car ( not our fault), lost a wallet ( mama’s while getting some much needed coffee), got told by a stranger how much they hated Cal after our discussion on universities and couldn’t believe why on earth I would go there, managed to win volunteer of the week at Nate’s School, all while trying to keep my head on straight.

Sigh. That was my reaction all week. Breathe in, breathe out. Baby steps.

And yet, as I re-read the paragraph, it actually doesn’t seem that bad 😊 I mean it could have been a lot worse. Eric could’ve gotten his arm or leg taken off, along with the door, but he didn’t. The stranger on my only hour of me time, could have said she hated me, but she didn’t ( although she indirectly questioned my ability to make good decisions :0! ), and the stranger who called me to turn in my wallet could have taken advantage of me, but didn’t.

The silver lining is so hard to see, especially when it seems like it is pouring upon you and you just want a tiny, little break. But we have to keep on truckin’, because every day we can be thankful.

Love

Today I picked Nathan up from school and practically skipped to the gate. Once we interlocked hands, I picked him up (after 2 months of not being able to!) and spun him around until he almost peed in his pants! His contagious laugh had us both spinning around. The doctor had cleared me for physical activity 40 minutes earlier and nothing could make me happier. I can hold Lei today and sing her to sleep. We can once again spin round and round while I sing Holy Spirit, inundating her room with His love and warmth.

Today my heart is overjoyed.

The Constant Drizzle

October 30, 2017October 30, 2017Leave a comment

There is a sense of responsibility I have, for you, my reader. I have been told I am a good story-teller ( live, that is). I think Lei gets her facial expressions from me. I can’t hide my emotions very well, and so, when story telling I can be extremely vivid. I very much love making people burst into laughter. I really enjoy making people feel good. It makes me happy. But this week, I have been struggling. Big time.

Every so often I find myself giving myself pep talks. You see, where as I am a strong advocate of choosing joy, it is not always the natural choice. I remind myself of all the goodness. The little miracles I see. But sometimes it does not suffice. I am left feeling cheated.

My birth anniversary is next week and instead of feeling excitement and celebration flutter, I find myself feeling bamboozled. And it is ok. It if perfectly normal, and justified, for me to feel cheated. I shared my entire life with my mother, and now I don’t get to share it with her at all. I would tell my mom the silliest things that happened to me, because for some reason, funny and weird things happen to me all the time. And she would laugh, a lot, or tell me in her serious voice that she couldn’t believe it, ” Ay no, Lita.” I don’t know whether she believed me all the time, because sometimes I would act it out so dramatically that I would burst into laughing spells. I thoroughly enjoyed hearing my mother laugh out loud.

My Mother’s Heart

We had a terrible heat wave earlier this week in Los Angeles. It was HOT. Miserably hot. And as I drove into the garage from Lei’s school, I found myself picking up my phone to dial my Mom. I was going to tell her how miserable I felt and how the heat wasn’t helping. I parked, turned the engine off, and cried. It’s incredible how you notice every void left behind. It is even more incredible to see how much of my life was filled by the joy my mother gave me. Her constant words of encouragement and the words that stung when spoken.

Love

It is hard for my heart to understand how life keeps moving when such a huge part of it is gone. I wish I could say it is easier this time around. I was recently asked how I do it. How do I keep moving forward? I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could tell you that I simply eat a lot of kale and that makes it happen for me. Jesus helps me a lot. A lot, a lot ( as Lei would say). I find it so filling to list all the things I am hurt by, disappointed by, and am completely angry about and to let Jesus know. I tell him what I feel (the days I can muster words) and let him know that I am angry and that I don’t think I can get it together that day. So I carry the anger, the hurt, the pain around for as long as I think I can carry it and then I hand it over to him. I find Him much better at dealing with all the baggage. He always takes it, but I pick it up again.

Papa and Lei

At the beginning of the post I wrote about honesty and responsibility. This is my point in this round about post, I have hardly felt ok the past 5 months. I work extremely hard on smiling every day and choosing joy. I have reminders on my phone, in the bathroom mirror, and in every corner of my brain. Reminders that I can and will feel joy come to me without so much work. I have to remind myself to be gentle and kind with myself. To embrace every emotion and not stuff it in the closet. I am a work in progress and my brokeness is being molded. Whatever your brokeness may be, I hope you know you can face it all with Jesus. He takes baby steps, I should know, because He is taking them with me, again. This season will have its end.

My Mother’s Joy

A Season of Change

October 17, 2017October 17, 2017Leave a comment

There have been a lot of moving parts to our family the past several months. My Mom is now in heaven, Nathan started Kinder and Elea is in early preschool. Eric is taking on his new role at work, and I’m trying to find the right balance in this new season.

There are mornings like today, when I’m driving through Culver City, passing my mom’s old place, stores she frequented and big smiles she gave as she got in and out of her car. And just as the tears flood down, I come to a stop and the sun shines bright on my skin.

I take a deep breath.

I talk to my mom about how frustrated I’ve been as of late. I had surgery 4 weeks ago. It should have been a very straight forward procedure but it turned out to be more complicated than anticipated. I’ve shed many tears in frustration. Why is my body taking so long to heal? Why couldn’t this have been easier? Why, why, why?!

The answer finally came to me this morning as my eyelids felt the warmth of the sun, on the corner of Jefferson and Playa: what am I being taught about patience?

Patience has always been an area of opportunity for me. But never has it been tested as much as it has this month, both emotionally and physically.

I left the doctors office in tears as she extended my recovery regimen another 3 weeks, with the most difficult being not carrying Elea or Nate and no working out. And as I cried it out with Eric on the phone, I continued to ask myself the question: what am I supposed to be learning here? What am I not seeing?

There is a song by Kristine Demarco where she asks God to help her see things like He does. To help her have vision. I am in desperate need of vision. So although I allow myself a few ( ok, maybe a lot) of crying sessions, I also will continue to ask for vision, to see everything through His eyes. I can’t have a pity party all day, every day.

20171006_130030

So, as I walk through this difficult season I will raise my head up high, even when I really do not feel like doing so and I will yell out:

I am strong and full of life

I am steadfast, no compromise

I lift my sails, to the sky

I’m gonna catch the wind I’m gonna catch the wind

I am bold, no fear inside

Spread my wings, open my life

Like an eagle, whose home is the sky

I’m gonna catch the wind I’m gonna catch the wind

Your faithfulness will never let me down

I’m confident I’ll see Your goodness now

I know You hear my heart, I’m singing out There’s nothing that can stop Your goodness now

I’m going to catch the wind, guys. I really am.

Heart Made Whole

July 15, 2017July 15, 2017Leave a comment

Today I let it all out as I drove. It wasn’t my intention but before I knew it, the trickle of tears turned into a waterfall. It is a mixture of anger and disappointment. I am angry at this horrible disease that preys upon people. No one “loses” a battle against cancer. It is not possible. It is not a battle when we are not given the tools to be able to fight fairly. Yet, cancer affects so many people, and brave they are for giving it there all.

I am disappointed that I wasn’t able to decide how my mom’s life would end. I prayed. I pleaded with God. I called upon him to do something. I got angry, then cried. Then, I did it all over again. No matter how things looked, my heart remained still, just like my mothers. We stood beside her, believing. But my miracle didn’t portray itself the way I expected.

In my experience with grief, the emotions are always unpredictable and I never know what will be a trigger for me. But today, as I drove, I realized that I have been coping by not thinking about it. And although it may be difficult for you to understand, I’ve been waiting for my mom to walk through my door. If I sit in my living room, I can look outside and see her sliding down the jungle gym slide, with her huge smile, holding on tightly to Nate and Aria. When I get in her car, I can hold my breath, as I wait for her to open the door and slide into the passenger seat. I can hear her say, “Ay, Lita” to something we both find peculiar. It takes a couple seconds for my heart to realize she won’t be coming in.

My feelings are justified. Every single feeling. Often times, society expects one to “recover” from the loss of a loved one but after such an immense loss, is it a fair expectation to expect anyone to ever go back to the person they were? Years ago I wrote a piece on the process of being broken and repaired with gold (Kintsukuroi). This gift, of being able to repair a piece with gold and make it more beautiful then it was to begin with, is difficult to do, but it is quite the sight. Its brokeness, once thought to be the end, only increased its value.

I can see the melted gold, moving slowly like lava, filling every crevasse, every hole, every crack, mending even the tiniest fracture. There isn’t anything more perfect than gold- a precious element not vulnarable to oxidation or corrosion. God is my gold. Jesus is my gold. The Holy Spirit is my gold. And though I can’t feel the precious yellow metallic element moving through my brokeness, I know it is there and it is coming. I await its eruption onto my broken soul. There is no doubt in my mind that I will be made whole, again.

Dreams

June 19, 2017June 29, 2017Leave a comment

Nathan celebrating gold in his school olympics

We all dream about things we want to do and who we see ourselves around when fulfilling those dreams. Actually, most of the time we don’t even question who we would be around during those precious moments in our lives, we just assume that they will be there. Dreams keep us going. They are our goals. We strive towards them every day, wanting to make someone proud, fulfilling our own desires, or simply moving towards something different. But what do you do when your dreams are shattered? What happens when your rock is gone? When everything seizes to exist the way it should and time gets cut too short?

Aside from crying a lot, wishing time would rewind and praying every second you can- I’m not sure what else you can do. Nothing feels right and everything feels incomplete. But you take baby steps forward, because you must.

Me & Mami 1988

And this is what I’m re-learning once again. Dreams are not abandoned. They never disappear. They must simply be tweeked due to unexpected changes. The problem is, most of the unexpected changes leave us not wanting to go on. Those dreams now seem fruitless, because the joy in them doesn’t quite feel the same.

Mother’s Day 2016

I was recently gifted a key with the word DREAM engraved in it. My dearest sister wanted to remind me that our dreams must go on, even if everything feels broken. Our mother was our encourager, she loved watching us grow into new roles and would push us forward every time we wanted to throw in the towel.

Crossing the finish line

Seattle glass museum

We did it!

I was in Seattle this past weekend, running a race with my sister. And surprisingly, while I ran I felt great, better than any other time, even though I had ran very little since my mother went home. I had to hold back tears during the last leg of the race because I could feel my mother with me, cheering me on, telling me I could finish strong. And I did, I beat my previous time and felt full of joy. I was proud for doing something I had no desire to do. Honestly, I wanted to stay in our beautiful airbnb and have a pity party with the gloomy Seattle weather.

Nana & Nene Fall 2016

My Mother is not gone, her presence is just different now. And while nothing will ever be the same, things will be good, it will feel great again, perhaps not the way I thought it would; but it will. I know it. And even if I don’t believe it now, I will continue to confess it over myself, until I not only believe, but know it to be true.

On Heart Break

May 12, 2017May 12, 20171 Comment

Let me tell you a story…

A girl was given a carrot, a coffee bean and an egg. They were placed in boiling water and then the girl was asked what would come of them. The carrot came in strong and quickly turned soft. Unable to stay in the battle. The egg hardened, its heart filling with bitterness. The coffee bean changed its atmosphere, instead of allowing the storm to change it. It released its goodness onto the water, not losing itself.

What do you do when your heart is broken into a thousand pieces? Some seasons of our life will be extremely difficult, they will even feel unbearable. You will feel like you can’t be placed back together and perhaps this one storm will feel like the last one you’ll be able to endure. This one will break you. But don’t give in. Don’t let it change you. Don’t allow the storm to harden your heart or to soften your grip. When you feel like you can’t, He will breathe upon your life and you will receive renewed strength.

Sometimes in the midst of the storm, we can’t see the blessings. We can’t see His hand softening our fall. We can’t see how this moment, too, shall expose hope.

My heart is broken. Shattered. Today I feel lost. Words fall short. It is difficult to see the light. It feels as though someone is closing the curtains and I can’t seem to get them to stop. I could cry a river and at the same time there is nothing left because I already filled an ocean.

But I will keep confessing His goodness over me and my entire family because He is good and His promises are not empty. I will be the coffee bean because my mother was a coffee bean and she changed her atmosphere in the midst of hot waters and storms. She never allowed the storm to overtake her. In fact, she showed others how they could see the light in their storm.

So today, I will decide to actively choose joy, dig deep for it, beyond the heartache and loss. I will change my atmosphere, I will not allow the circumstance to change me.

Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook

Category: Uncategorized