An Open Letter To My Ever Growing Baby

June 4, 2016June 7, 2016Leave a comment

Nathan meets Mama

I remember the day you were ready to meet me. I remember the joy I felt knowing I would soon hold you in my arms. At 4:30 pm you were placed on my chest for the first time. You moved towards my breast and suckled on the colostrum my body had so diligently prepared for you. My body nourished you for 45 minutes and here I was, head over heels about you, with no clue on how to care for you. Sure, I had attended every baby prep class there was: how to care for your newborn, breastfeeding for the first time mother, bathing your baby…you name it, I took it or read all about it because that is what I do. I read way too much, sometimes to my detriment.

Nathan turns 1 month

We experienced all our firsts together. We rolled for the first time, crawled, walked, broke our first tooth, took our first flight as mommy and baby. We have done everything together for the past 47 months. We have cried ourselves to sleep and been each other’s everything. But as you near your fourth birthday, things are beginning to change, and my mama bear heart is hurting just a little bit, and unfortunately, papa is paying for it.

Nathan, 23 months

You see, you are becoming a little boy and as happy as that makes me, I am saddened (and very proud!) when you say, “mama, I want to do it”, “I can do it!”, “don’t help me!”… followed by 15 minutes of non-stop crying as you struggle ( but are so determined) to take your own shirt off, get the one piece of noodle left with a fork or buckle yourself in your new big boy car seat.

Nathan, 3 1/2

You are doing everything right. The countless mornings and afternoons we have spent learning about being kind, loving, independent, a God-fearing little boy have paid off. You are becoming just that, but I long for the little Nene that was barely able to say much more than mama and shark.

Nathan, 10 months

I remember when you walked for the first time. You giggled the entire time you walked towards me. I can look through every single picture of you and tell you what we did that day and whether or not you were recovering from a cold, didn’t feel like yourself or needed a couple extra cuddles before nap.

Nathan, 2 years

I can recall the naps we took together every day, sometimes waking up right before papa got home from work and we would pretend we had been awake longer just so papa wouldn’t feel left out. We spent the first two years of your life playing at the beach, walking up and down the strand. You learned to ride your bike and scooter there.

Nathan, 3 1/2

There is no memory too small of you that my brain hasn’t managed to file in your life binder, even though I can’t even manage to remember if I had breakfast this morning.

Nathan, 3 1/2

Lately I have been a little harder on you than usual, I have let you try to figure things out on your own where as before, I would have skipped and jumped to be at your side. I have taken things away from you to give to others and watch you cry in disappointment. But I can assure you, I don’t love you any less. If anything, I love you more. I am simply working really hard at ensuring that I am building a strong foundation for you.

Nathan, 2 months shy of 4

I am trying to raise a loving boy who understands compassion, grace, patience, unconditional love, is respectful of others and feels remorse when making bad decisions. Everything we worked so hard for is coming to fruition and as happy as it makes me, the past 47 months have gone by a little too quickly.

Mama & Nathan, 3 1/2

I can’t promise we won’t shed any more tears, or have meltdowns because I don’t understand, but I can promise you I will always be by your side, rooting you on, because I will always be your number one fan.

Love,

Mama Bear

A Heart Made Whole: The Journey

May 21, 2016May 22, 20162 Comments

The first picture I ever took with my fancy camera, May 2013

On my first Mother’s Day Eric gifted me a fancy camera. I fell in love with the art and Nate became my muse. I quickly enrolled in classes and was in love with my assignments. As usual, I tried to be the best and worked hard at my new found passion. Once we found out we were expecting Emme, I worked harder, thinking of all the pictures I would take of her and Nate. I had planned the newborn shoot and all the props I would be using. And then my little Emme was born. The eight days of her life went by so quickly. Sometimes I feel like I blinked and they were over. Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t even fully awake. I was trying to navigate through dense fog, unable to see anything infront of me. Impossible. It took months for me to unravel the emotions of those days, even longer to accept what had happened.

Once we realized she wasn’t here to stay, we took her home but I never thought I would only have her an additional day. Often I am saddened that I didn’t take more pictures. That the only pictures I have will never increase. The photographer that we asked to come didn’t make it on time. We simply didn’t fathom her life slipping from our hands so quickly.

A blur. The whole time. It was a blur.

Emme Sophia Zurbrugg, 5 days old

Once we knew she was slipping away, I just wanted to hold her. I whispered love into her ears and kissed every part of her. I wanted to share her with no one. I remember Eric coming in and asking me to go outside with her so my brother in law could try and take some pictures of us, but I couldn’t make it. My legs had collapsed. My heart was broken. I could hardly see from my swollen eyes. All I asked was that he bring her back to me, fast. The pictures they took, they open up a part of my heart I like to wrap and gently hold. My heart has built a wall around itself to try and protect me. Whenever I see the pictures, I can feel everything. And the feelings, I welcome.

I never picked up my camera again. I didn’t have the courage. I tried. But with my Little Giant’s death, my hopes and dreams died, too. Nathan saved me.

LOVE as captured by the amazing Hannah Sons

When we found out we were expecting Elea, I tried to pick it up, but I couldn’t. I told myself once she was born I would be able to do it. But I wasn’t able to. And in my mind I would talk myself up to opening the camera bag but I was never able to go through with it. My family would ask why I never used my camera and I would simply change the subject or blame my awesome iPhone for it.

Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford

But the last week I have been working on my heart thanks to Christa Black Gifford, and the awesome opportunity I was given to be part of her launch team for her new book, Heart Made Whole. I was given a copy of the book and have been going through an amazing healing process for my beautiful heart. And then a friend shared a special 4 week course that uses photography as a creative healing process after the loss of a child. It all fell into place with little doing from me. I took it as a sign.

A picture from today: GO BEARS!!!

So after two years, 1 month and 7 days of saying good bye to Emme Sophia, today I gathered the courage. In the chaos of getting Nate ready for sports day at school and wondering why Lea wasn’t up at 8:24 a.m. (she usually wakes at 6:30 a.m.), I stopped thinking, pushed my fears to the back burner , opened the closet, removed the spare chairs, pushed all the boxes to the side, pulled and yanked at the camera bag that sat full of dust in the very corner of the hallway closet. I unzipped while starring at the Swifter and pulled the camera out with my right hand. I ran my fingers over it and smiled. We ran out of the house before I realized the camera hung around my body.

Nate said, “you’re going to take pictures of me mama?”

And I smiled as I responded, “yes, yes I am baby bear.”

Big mama and baby bear by Hannah Sons

A Morning in Paris

May 13, 2016May 14, 2016Leave a comment

The main attraction: melted Eiffel towers and runneth over frosting

Elea’s birthday party was amazing. She celebrated with all her friends and family, and mommy managed to get through the morning without shedding a tear! Yay for me! Although I had plenty to cry about, my chocolate towers melting within seconds of being put on display and my homemade frosting eating the cupcakes within the hour, Nate managed to keep a smile on my face. Lesson learned! Don’t put out cupcakes until you are ready to gobble them down. In my defense, it was initially cloudy and the sun was nowhere to be found. But my sister did manage to get this picture of the few cupcakes I was smart enough to leave inside. Thank God Elea’s friends didn’t mind the melted sugar 😉

The perfect Eiffel Tower cupcakes

The homemade macaroons were a hit, making the 2 days I worked on all 80 of them completely worth it. While baking, Nate wanted me to watch him do a new dance move, so I obviously chose to look while putting my oven glove on and taking the batch of macaroons out of the oven. To my surprise, my glove was on backwards and the tray completely burned me, the macaroons flew out of my hands and onto the floor. Nate’s eyes were so wide as they followed the pink macaroons mid air and onto the floor. “It’s alright mommy, it’s alright. We’ll make some more.”

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Breathe. In and out. Don’t cry.

After my breath managed to come back, we sat on the floor and ate macaroons until we could eat no more. And then we started another batch. No dancing this time.

Flying macaroons

The final product

We had a great performance by Ms. Sara from Play Music Company and Elea loved it. I have to admit, we are obsessed with Ms. Sara’s Born Curious dvd she gifted Elea for her birthday. We listen to it over and over with “louder, please” requests coming from the back seat. And honestly her voice is so incredible, I find myself singing the songs over and over…pretending to sound as good as she does.

Playing Ms. Sara’s guitar

Jamming with the music

Papa and baby JOY

The day wrapped up nicely with piñata fun and a long nice nap for everyone. I couldn’t have done it without my little tribe.

J O Y (for Elea that means food in her mouth :))

xoxo

On the Eve of Mother’s Day

May 7, 2016May 8, 2016Leave a comment

As mother day approaches, I sit here on this Friday night in Elea’s nursery, pitch black, ocean sounds blasting, and a little giant baby snuggled on my chest, holding on to my shirt as tightly as can be. I rock us both with my right toes, my left leg folded under my right leg for left hand support, as my hands hold onto a tiny bright screen that sheds just the right amount of light onto my babes face. And my thumbs go crazy, as they so carefully type this post, making sure to touch the right letter.

This has been a crazy week. We wrapped up Elea’s first birthday celebration on Sunday and had family staying with us from Dallas. I woke up feeling kinda sick so I had to make sure to give myself a break. Wednesday came along and I was starting to feel better, when Elea and Nate slid down the jungle gym slide and Elea tweaks her foot. She refuses to walk or crawl and seems to be in pain. Long story short, her foot is bruised but no broken bones. We are safe. I sat Wednesday night crying my eyes out, angry that I wasn’t able to prevent her from getting hurt. I thought for sure it was broken. My prayer chain worked.

Onto Thursday, my book club meets and we have an amazing meeting with even more amazing women. I go to bed feeling great with a full heart.

Friday morning hits me hard. Elea is up every couple hours. I resign and bring her into bed hopping she’ll nurse when needed and let me sleep. 5:50am comes around and she is wide awake. Play time comes around too soon. BUT her foot seems better so I am grateful.

We get ready for tea time with Nathan, and while he is helping me get the baby ready, in frustration that he can’t help me carry in the diaper box he says *uck.

Yes.

* u c k. The F bomb. The worst. I am completely taken aback, especially because he used it in the correct context. Where? What? How? We never. No one around him ever…a million thoughts cross my mind while I accidentally smear poop on my hand and Elea is giggling up a storm. I quickly snap back in and begin to ask questions. What did he say? Can he repeat what he said? Did he mean to say fudge? Maybe fun? Forge? Anything other than what I thought I heard?! Please. But he is pretty adamant, he assures me, that what he meant was *uck. Ok, so I continue with my questions and the story is more or less the same.

So, naturally, being that I have a marriage and family therapist on retainer (she’s my sister and she accepts my children’s love as payment), I text my sister. After discussing the whole scenario the following hits hard:

“You can’t really control what Nathan will hear, you’ll protect him as much as possible… I’m so glad that you have a great relationship with him where he’ll tell you exactly what happened. That’s what’s worth protecting and making sure it stays strong.”

I can’t and will not be able to protect Nathan from everything, possibly not many things at all BUT I can equip him with the right foundation with our Father at the center, so that he can find comfort in sharing and asking for guidance from a loved one. It takes a village to raise babies, and I can only continue to strive to teach my children about grace, love and faith. I can continue to try and surround him with people who love him and will be there when he reaches out, but mostly people from whom he will see what he should be like.

We finished the week with a yummy Indian dinner ( at Nathan’s request) and very much enjoyed each other’s company. The family sitting next to us even commended us as we left on how well behaved our children were and how well cultured they seemed. What else could we give our children, I thought as we left the restaurant, but experiences and exposure to the world to make them better human beings.

So on this coming Mother’s Day, all I want is to make some more time for long hot showers, more time to sit and take in my rapidly growing babes and to be gentle with myself as I learn to be a better versions of myself (and a better mommy, of course!) as every day passes by.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the hard working mamas out there, especially the ones who get to clean up poop more than once a day ( it’s only fair 😁).

Xoxo

A Birth Story: Elea Mackenzie Zurbrugg

May 1, 2016May 2, 20163 Comments

So before I get to the good stuff, there is some business to be discussed. Not too long ago my brother and I went into a creative discussion of a new business venture, spiritually led , bringing joy through creativity, while giving to the community. While it is nowhere near done, it was one of the reasons why my blog needed (very badly) a re-creation, especially since the last time I changed anything on it (visually) was 4 years ago! I have also listened to all your feedback, especially how most of you stopped receiving post alerts (make sure you enter your e-mail on this new site so you don’t miss a post) and other fun stuff. So please bear with me as we continue to work on my blog ( new host- same writing :)) and our shop (more details to come soon!). I would have liked to have taken a hiatus to finish this project, however, it has been my tradition to share my babes birth story on their first birthday. So without further ado, here is Elea’s birth story:

Nathan announces he is going to be a big brother, again!

Unlike Nathan and Emme’s birth story, Elea’s was very different. Her birth was perfect. She fulfilled (to a T) the type of birth you see on television, where no one screams, no one experiences pain ( including the mother) and all the tears, are tears of joy.

When you prepare to give birth, months in advance your doctor has you write your birth plan ( personally, now I think the whole thing is a joke, mostly, anyway. But that’s for another post). I had one ready for Nathan and Emme and neither one of their births went as planned. So for Elea I refused to write one and I simply told my doctor, along with all the nurses, that my plan was simple: I wanted to give birth (however that may be- vaginal or c-section) to a healthy baby. I didn’t care what they needed to do as long as she was out and healthy. That’s it. I didn’t want a bigger room, I didn’t need my husband to cut the cord, I wasn’t against a c-section of they saw it fit, I wasn’t going to wait for my baby to stress before they would take her out. So with that said, we waited for Elea to make her arrival. She was due April 26th, 2015. She was to share her sister’s birth month. But the end of April came and Elea was showing no signs of making her debut. Because Emme arrived via c-section only 12 months prior, my VBAC ( vaginal birth after cesarean) was considered high risk and everyone was on high alert. The main concern was a uterus rupture. The longer Elea cooked, the higher the risk ( good thing they couldn’t even fathom that this Wild Birdie was almost 10 pounds, otherwise they would have nicked the VBAC).

So we were told to wait until May 1st to ensure that we gave her time to make her arrival as inducing me would increase the chance of a uterus rupture. If she did not show up on her own, we would probably have to have a repeat c-section. However, my doctor felt strongly that this baby would be arriving on her own with no need for intervention. But Elea didn’t come on her own and there we were standing in Labor and Delivery, Friday morning, hoping that our doctors would still agree to a mild induction.

I sat on the bed, scared at the thought of a rupture and excited that I would soon meet Elea. The doctor checked my progress and asked on a scale from 1-10, how bad was my pain. I responded with none- 0. I felt nada. She responded with “well this baby is coming today, you are already 5 cm dilated. Are you sure you don’t feel anything?!”

I was sure. I couldn’t believe it. I was dying at 1 cm with Nathan, as my contractions came fast and hours and hours of labor dragged on with little progress. And now, here I was 5 cm dilated with no pain. Nothing. Not even pressure!

I listened to Bethel worship music in our room. My sister hung out ready with her camera and my mother in law chatted on the phone letting everyone know Elea was to arrive soon. Eric held my hand in excitement, squeezing every now and then. Each time the nurses checked in, I got closer and closer to 10cm (the goal) without feeling much of anything.

The doctor came in and advised the epidural as the time to push neared and in the case anything went wrong, I would be ready for the backup plan. So we went ahead and got the epidural. And within hours, before I could even get a second dose of it, I said “this baby is coming!” The nurses were still talking, the doctor wasn’t even in the room yet and I started to cry and say, ” I can’t hold it anymore, I’m going to push now”. And in perfection, just the way she was made, the doctor appeared and Elea was out in 3 pushes. The room went silent and everyone was crying. She was massive. Everyone was shocked. How ? Where was this baby hiding in my belly? She came in at a whopping 9 pounds, 4.7 ounces. She was perfect.

The first embrace: Mommy and Elea

Today I celebrate her perfect birth. I celebrate that I was able to bring a third baby into this world. I celebrate her life and the gift of caring for her while I am on this Earth. She is my rainbow baby. She brought joy back to our hearts. She reminded us of her beautiful sister and how without her, we would have never met this little gem.

Nathan, 2 1/2 & Elea, 2 weeks

Elea

Elea Mackenzie Zurbrugg, 20 minutes old

Today we celebrate with full hearts, with pink and gold, in memory of our Little Giant who celebrates her baby sister from heaven.

xoxo

Embracing the Ugly

April 15, 2016April 26, 20162 Comments

Love

Today I woke up and I could hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing, I could FEEL the sunlight breaking through the blinds and before I was fully awake, a big baby was dropped on my side by Eric. Elea gave me a huge smile and crawled towards me, smacking her lips, she snuggled right next to me and began nursing. I could hear Papa and Nathan giggling and getting ready for the ‘train ride’ to the living room (Nathan hopping on Eric’s back). I could feel joy, again. It was back. Well, technically, it never left me but I was having a hard time digging through the ugly to feel joy. The last 14 days have been difficult, to say the least. I have gone from feeling miserable, having uncontrollable crying episodes, to not having the energy to get out of bed because sadness had taken over my heart. Everything was a blur, again. The emotions and mist from Emme’s passing were back. The dreams came back with a vengeance and my heart bled.

Nathan on a sad day (8 months old)

It was raw. The cut had been split open and I was trying so hard to try and make it through each day. I was angry all over. I wanted to do nothing but sit on my couch, eat all the chocolate and baked goods I could and cry. Sob, laugh and cry some more. And that’s exactly what I did. I embraced every ugly feeling I had. I woke up every morning wanting to feel better but it was difficult. So whenever I could, I would hold on to this grief and I smeared it everywhere and slowly went through each emotion, over and over. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and approach Eric and let him know it was more than I could handle, I needed help because I wasn’t able to deal. And then, today happened. I woke up and I heard it. I heard joy knocking at my heart. It wanted back in.

Worship gets me through my lowest moments. The past couple weeks I have submerged myself in Kristene DiMarco’s MIGHTY cd. It is AMAZING. Nathan knows all the lyrics to the CD as it has been on replay all month. My spirit breaks down and my Father molds me back.

My sister sent me this passage on Wednesday, the day my arms felt the heaviest and where my legs felt like stones I couldn’t move out of bed :

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

JOY

Sometimes I forget that our Father has everything under control, and that he too, feels everything we feel, and in my case, he is mourning with me. I have a tendency of pulling away from Him when it starts to get difficult and it is nice to be reminded that He wants to feel with me, sit with me and eat chocolate as we cry. He loves me more for bringing my ugly to him. He loves all of me and not one tear goes unrecorded.

xoxo

The Before and After

April 5, 2016April 26, 2016Leave a comment

Bath time on a happy day 🙂

Nathan has been a bit more whiney than usual. Elea has started her I’m on the move- get out of my way- it’s all mine phase. Needless to say, there has been a little bit of clashing but interestingly enough, the clashing has been with mommy- not themselves. Just wait a second, I’ll explain further.

The melting point

We were hanging out in Nathan’s room and I asked him if he wanted to paint. I pulled out the dry paint book and got him some water. He dips the paintbrush (his finger) in water then rubs the colors off the paper and places the color in the chosen area. Easy. Or so I thought.

Proof that Nathan can paint on his own

He proceeds to tell me he can’t do it and needs my assistance. So while I hold his finger, we dip and paint. Laughing and enjoying our silly art. This moment of bliss lasts about 5.5 seconds before the big baby (Nathan’s nickname for Elea) comes over and tries to destroy our art. I pull her back and as I do, she begins to cry and call out mama and she crawls towards me for cuddles. As I pick her up Nathan starts to cry and says he still needs help. I offer to give him verbal instructions so he can continue to paint without big baby destroying anything, but he says he can’t paint without my hand and begins to unravel. After failed attempts and trying to get him to calm down, I let him know it’s bath time and we must move on to our night routine, to which he responds he does not want any company. He chooses to stay in his room and cry it out. I move on to the bath. 25 minutes later he walks into the bathroom with a big smile and red eyes (from crying) and asks if we can paint together in the bath. I welcome the idea and again we begin to paint together laughing and cuddling while our big baby reveled in her bath. This moment of joy comes to a screeching end when the baby signs she is ready for bed. Nate’s crying ensues.

Nathan

Why can’t the baby get out of the bath by herself?! Why can’t the baby stay in the bath?! Why can’t the baby stop interrupting my mommy and me time?! …why can’t it be like it use to be. Just me and you.

Bam!

It hits me like a ton of bricks. Not because they both want me and there isn’t enough of me to go around at the same time. Not because I have to pick and choose sometimes. Not because I have to shush one when the other sleeps. Not because we have to split their scheduling.

Love

It hits me hard because when it was only Nathan and me, I was different. I didn’t know there would be a version of me before and after.

After putting Nathan to bed that night, I cried. I cried hard. I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to give him the attention he wanted. Worse yet, I felt guilt for not understanding while it was happening that it wasn’t about the paint, it wasn’t about the baby, it was about him needing more of me. Just a little bit of me and him. Like it use to be. Not for very long, because he can’t live without her.

A Helping Hand

He can’t. Seriously.

But he wanted me just a little extra. Just for that moment. A quick flash back of life when it was just me and him, all day.

I cried some more.

Anticipation

There are so many moments when I feel like Nathan. I want to go back to the before. To the me without the deepest of grief. Without knowing what it is like to have lost a child. Living freely without anything missing. Feeling complete. But now in the after, although much wiser and stronger than before, it a a difficult journey, to say the least, to move forward. And much like Nathan, it’s ok to want to feel the love and completeness that I felt at one point. Submerse in the past. The joy I felt two years ago today, knowing that I would have a baby girl in my arms the next day, April 5th, 2014. I had a scheduled C-section. I would get to hold her the next day, and so would Nate. I feared nothing, because loss was not real. It was a distant truth.

As I hugged it out with him that night and explained why I had to split my time but that I loved him just the same, if not more, then when it was just the two of us, he said he loved his wild birdie and he understood she needed me. He thanked me for explaining it to him and asked me to lay with him for a little while as he dozed off. Half asleep, he mumbled, “I love wild birdie (Elea)”.

Love

We are constantly changing. Morphing. Sometimes willingly and sometimes not. What we do with the hurt, pain, or whatever it may be is up to us. It is not easy, but nothing ever is. Every day I try a little harder to smile and to find joy in little things. To be grateful for the blessing I have received, for as short lived as they may have been. On the eve of Emme Sophia’s second birthday, I am forever grateful to my Father for giving me the opportunity of being Emme’s mother and allowing her to teach me an endless amount of valuable lessons in 8 short days.

Emme’s 2nd Birthday Cake

xoxo

The Month of March

March 29, 2016April 26, 2016Leave a comment

Nate and Aria on one of many egg hunts 🙂

One of Nate’s favorite time of the year is Spring. He loves flowers and being outside but I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that a major part of it is the Easter bunny and stuffing eggs with special treats. At one point it didn’t matter what was inside the egg, as long as it was a surprise (and by surprise I mean, just about anything!)

Easter Eggs by Nathan: Elea Emme Nathan

This year he colored his eggs with Grosi and made sure both his sisters got an egg (his is the yellow). I love the colors and all the joy that comes with Easter, especially when you have the little ones running around, which is why I have also had a hard time with Easter the past couple years. Emme was expected to arrive right before Easter and I had imagined such a wonderful time with Nathan opening his basket and our little babe in her bassinet, but it all turned out completely different than I had expected. As Easter approached this year, it felt a little better. Elea, full of joy, crawled everywhere and ate everything. Nathan helped her find her basket and fed her ‘baby treats’ because she couldn’t have big boy treats. The house seemed full of joy with love bursting from the seams. And it was, all while Emme was prime on my mind.

Elea eating her basket (literally!)

Earlier this month Eric and I had the honor of attending the Women of the Year Award in downtown Los Angeles, where a group of amazing women were being awarded for different accomplishments in their lives that had had an impact not only in their lives but in those of thousands of others. They ranged from women’s rights to helping children find homes with loving families. These women made it a priority to ensure they made a difference for someone, and they all did, in amazing ways. While in attendance, I couldn’t help but think about the difference I want to make and the difference I want my children to make in others. The job that I now have as a parent to instill kindness, love, mercy and so many other great characteristics. In a world where we see so much hate and heartbreak, if we can simply show a little more love and kindness, perhaps it can change one persons life. And that’s enough. Even if we can’t do anything else than smile and love, that in itself can change the world.

Nathan’s joy as he gobbles down strawberries from his garden

Emme taught me to love deeper than I was ever able to. I loved her deeply with every part of my being for the eight days I was blessed to have her. I loved her deeply the 9 months I was able to carry her in my womb, and nourish her while she rolled and kicked. And as her 2 year birthday rolls around next month and I find my arms aching, I embrace Nathan and Elea a little harder, and thank her for the wonderful life lessons she left us with. She made me a better person. All around. So as April comes around this week, you will be bombarded with Emme on my Instagram and will probably read a lot of self reflection posts.

Emme’s Garden

To making a difference.

To Become

March 1, 2016April 26, 2016Leave a comment

Be an encourager. Be a teacher. Be a learner. Be transparent. Be human.

There seems to be an overarching theme in my life right now. A couple weeks ago I saw a dear friend of mine. She spoke to me about the difficulty of meeting people for who they really are and how sometimes we are made to feel inadequate (by our toughest critic- ourselves). As human beings, we have a tendency of comparing ourselves to others and or have an insatiable want of things (whatever that thing may be to you).

Elea’s “thing”: food

In my experience, it never is about the someone else or the thing, it is almost always about me. It is about dealing with the cause of my emotion, but often times we try to blanket our emotions with a temporary fix. Embracing the array of emotions that we can feel is wonderful. Being sad or angry isn’t wonderful but allowing yourself to feel that and then dealing with it, is more revolutionary than you may think.

Emotions by Nathan

We are not always going to be joyous.

We are not always going to be sad.

We are not always going to be angry.

We are not always going to be jealous.

We are not always going to…I can go on forever.

My point is, embrace the feeling and then find its source.

Nathan introducing Charlie (the victim) to his classmates

As February comes to a close, I have felt myself unraveling quite a bit. I have been less patient. I have been easy to anger. I have cried myself to sleep more often. And I’ve been blaming everyone (especially Z) for just about everything. Today I hit rock bottom. I blamed Charlie ( Natey’s turtle) for our tardiness to school, the water spillage in my car and (this one is the best!) my parking ticket. Because it only makes sense that I didn’t look at the street post because we were already late, because I had to bring Charlie to Natey’s pet week.

Long sigh.

Right.

Poor Charlie.

Emme Sophia Zurbrugg

I can tell you about my long weekend alone with the kids (Z was out of town), how a lot went wrong and how I broke down in the garage only to have my toddler tell me it was going to be ok and walk me through counting to ten while we took deep breathes. And I could tell you about the rest of my day today, after the ticket. But I am going to spare you my sobbing story and save the good laughs for another post. However, I will say that after a series of events I found the culprit. I found my cause. And I am ready to embrace my healing heart. You see, Emme’s birthday is around the corner and lately, my heart has been aching a little deeper. Fear of falling apart has prevented me from going there. But not dealing with my healing heart has me falling apart in a messier kind of way.

There are things I have learned in my journey, life after loss. There are things I can shed light on. There are many areas where I need growth. I am a student, still. Always will be. I want to learn to be better. I want to encourage others by my actions, not by what I say I do. I want to love deeper. I want to be honest so that if you feel the way I do (at any point in life), you know it’s normal. We are human.

Natey experiencing love

We can only experience growth, joy, love, success and whatever else you want to experience by trying. Every day, we can try to be better. We can try to be transparent to others, so they too will be encouraged. We can love. The world can always use a little more love.

Be an encourager. Be a teacher. Be a learner. Be transparent. Be human.

LOVE

Thoughts on Time

January 14, 2016April 26, 2016Leave a comment

Time flies is an understatement. As the new year begins, it feels like time is going by too fast. I like time. At one point all I wanted was for it to move as sluggishly as possible. Then I wanted it to move fast because I so desperately wanted to feel better. And now, well, I would like it to pause for a second.

Nathan is turning 3 1/2 this month and Elea just turned 8 months. Emme would have been approaching her second birthday.

On Monday night I cried myself to bed, smiling and crying. A joyful combination. I watched every video of Emme. And re-watched. And re -watched. I watched her come home from the hospital. I watched her talk to me. I watched her nourish herself from the milk that flooded down by breasts. And once those weren’t enough, I replayed all my memories. Over and over again. It never is enough.

Eric held my hand and squeezed in silence. Most of the time, there is nothing to say. I choose to bask in the emotions. Whatever emotions they may be, sad ones, happy ones, ones that can’t be defined, they are emotions that allow me to feel. I, especially, love the emotions that Emme brings forth. It is in those moments that I feel the closest to her.

My little Giant reminds me to take in every second. Even the seconds when Nate is inconsolable because he isn’t tired ( 😮 ) and naps are only for babies, not big boys! Nate waking up at midnight because he needs to go potty, proceeded by a million questions of where everyone is (my favorite: why daddy didn’t wake up to take him potty with mommy?! ) followed by Elea waking at 4am to have a snuggle party. They are all moments I probably will not experience the exact same way I did last night 🙂