cancer – Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook

Nathan celebrating gold in his school olympics

We all dream about things we want to do and who we see ourselves around when fulfilling those dreams. Actually, most of the time we don’t even question who we would be around during those precious moments in our lives, we just assume that they will be there. Dreams keep us going. They are our goals. We strive towards them every day, wanting to make someone proud, fulfilling our own desires, or simply moving towards something different. But what do you do when your dreams are shattered? What happens when your rock is gone? When everything seizes to exist the way it should and time gets cut too short?

Aside from crying a lot, wishing time would rewind and praying every second you can- I’m not sure what else you can do. Nothing feels right and everything feels incomplete. But you take baby steps forward, because you must.

Me & Mami 1988

And this is what I’m re-learning once again. Dreams are not abandoned. They never disappear. They must simply be tweeked due to unexpected changes. The problem is, most of the unexpected changes leave us not wanting to go on. Those dreams now seem fruitless, because the joy in them doesn’t quite feel the same.

Mother’s Day 2016

I was recently gifted a key with the word DREAM engraved in it. My dearest sister wanted to remind me that our dreams must go on, even if everything feels broken. Our mother was our encourager, she loved watching us grow into new roles and would push us forward every time we wanted to throw in the towel.

Crossing the finish line

Seattle glass museum

We did it!

I was in Seattle this past weekend, running a race with my sister. And surprisingly, while I ran I felt great, better than any other time, even though I had ran very little since my mother went home. I had to hold back tears during the last leg of the race because I could feel my mother with me, cheering me on, telling me I could finish strong. And I did, I beat my previous time and felt full of joy. I was proud for doing something I had no desire to do. Honestly, I wanted to stay in our beautiful airbnb and have a pity party with the gloomy Seattle weather.

Nana & Nene Fall 2016

My Mother is not gone, her presence is just different now. And while nothing will ever be the same, things will be good, it will feel great again, perhaps not the way I thought it would; but it will. I know it. And even if I don’t believe it now, I will continue to confess it over myself, until I not only believe, but know it to be true.

Yosemite Family Hike 2015

Bravery is said to be the act of being ready to endure danger or pain; showing courage. But it is so much more than that. We can all take pain or endure danger for our loved ones, especially if you have children.

Nate & friend taking a breather

Life hands us so many things. Some good and some that we would rather hand over and toss in the trash bin. But that’s not the way life works. We must roll with the punches. Play the hand we’ve been dealt. We all end up doing so. And this is where courage takes place. Courage to deal with the worst possible news in the most positive way possible, even when it feel completely unnatural to do so.

2014

I had a conversation with my mother this morning. We’ve been given some life altering news. We sat there processing together, while our hearts felt every emotion in the book. While I came in with the goal that I was coming in to comfort, I was comforted. My mother, she is the epitome of Bravery. She has fought breast cancer since 2001, and never has she given up, lost hope or wavered in her faith. And let me tell you, there been plenty of times and reasons to waver on this long journey.

Thanksgiving 2016

It takes courage to say, no, I don’t want to undergo another chemo therapy session. I don’t want to undergo anymore. It takes courage to say yes to another chemo therapy session. Another radiation session.

It takes courage to support your loved ones’ decision. It takes courage to walk the road with them, hand in hand, every set back, victory and tear. It takes love to hold on to hope, when little has been given. But we are not alone. We’ve never been alone. It’s always been us and our Father, walking in front of us, holding our hand, head high, telling us to keep on, keep on, because the battle is not over.

The power of prayer is remarkable.

The power of love is extraordinary.

The power of kindness is incredible.