Tag: god

Through a Glass Window

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On Saturday, my sisters and I hosted our 6th annual holiday cookie party. It was our first without our mama, and every day leading up to the day, I thought about canceling. I thought it would be better to go without this year. Nothing feels the same without her and most things just make me miss her even more. My mom never made a cookie for our party, but she brought the best stuff, the tamales we always serve and Arroz con Leche (a rice drink somewhat similar to rice pudding). And if she couldn’t make it, she made sure her goodies always did.

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Thanksgiving was over and the heaviness of it had lifted. And now the cookie party was giving me a little bit of anxiety. Where do we get the tamales from? Would it be ok if we cancel? Why did we send the invitations? Thankfully my sister was able to get us a fantastic contact and the tamales were delivered and were just as yummy. But the tamales were never the problem. It was her presence that I wanted so badly. The presence of love, joy and so much laughter you almost pee your pants (Nathan is going through this stage right now).

The cookies began to arrive and soon enough the house was full, all the christmas decorations were singing, blinking their lights, going round and round their tracks, and laughter filled the walls. It felt surreal. Physically I was very much present, but I felt like I was watching all this from a glass window. I could see my sisters laughing, tasting, and through their eyes I could see joy. It was a like the spirit of joy was going in and out, zig-zagging through each guest. My heart went from incompleteness to an incredible feeling of fulfillment. I walked in and out from the first living room, through the cookie room, right to the Christmas tree room, and every room was filled with laughter.

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The night was perfect. The anxiety had vanished and had been replaced with heart warming love. I went home so full of love and joy, I felt it would burst from the seams. The best part was the feeling that mom was there, too. I felt like she was proud that my sisters and I continued something so simple yet hard to put together without her. She was proud that we opened our hearts and gave them the opportunity to fill with joy. She was proud that we chose to give joy a chance, when we could have easily cancelled it.

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So this week started with a high and I hope it will end that way. I will choose to keep my heart open for now and remind myself of the goodness that will continue to fall upon me and my family, because now my mom is in heaven, and she, of course, sends extra joy down to her babies (grandkids included 😉 ).

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When Life Blooms

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Entwined: Mama and Emme                                     Art by Kathy Bauer

A week ago, anticipating today, I sat in my living room having a moment. I ran through every detail to ensure I still remembered. I ran my fingers up and down Emme’s c-section scar ensuring it was real. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes it feels like she’s going to run in and say something silly, as any 3 year old would. I thought about what she’d want her birthday theme to be. I thought about how I would, as always, plan for a small party but end up with a carnival.

Loss. It felt so heavy.

And then Life knocked at my door. As I cried in silence unable to open her box to inhale her smell again, to touch the hair the NICU nurses so gently packed for me, to fold and re-fold the baby clothes she wore for such a short period of time, I heard Nate’s butterfly begin to bat her wings, practicing as she broke through her chrysalis and embraced her new body. Charlie (our almost 2 year old turtle) began to chirp. I could hear the birds outside. In my sorrow, I heard life. There are no words to describe what I felt, but in that moment it was as if I was being told that life was blooming all around me, everywhere, all I had to do was silence my heart and listen.

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The chrysalis

The anticipation of Easter has been hard the last couple years. I always felt so betrayed by it. Here comes spring and everything is blooming and there I am, mourning. I will never stop mourning; feeling extremely sad that I wasn’t able to live my life the way I would have liked with Emme. But this year I see life. I see it breaking through. The heaviness surrounds me but it’s not hopeless. No, it is not hopeless.

Today Nate got to decide the flavor of Emme’s birthday cake, mama and Lei sang, and we all got to send Emme heavenly kisses.

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To the heavens :*

XO

When Your Tire Runs Flat

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A couple days ago I was leaving my my sister’s place when she noticed that my tire was completely flat. My immediate response was, “oh, that tire is kinda funny, it’s always a little flat.” My sister looked at me like I was crazy, so I walked over to look at the tire. She proceeded with directions: I was to go directly to the nearest gas station and get it taken care of. I obliged. I got out of the car, pulled Elea out of her car seat and proceeded to go inside to pay for the air. I thought I was putting air in the tire but the tire wasn’t looking any better. I re-read the instructions and kept trying. After no success I finally reached inside to grab my phone to call Eric, only to realize I had no phone. So, I looked around and approached the kindest looking person, an older gentleman who I later realized was living out of his car. He walked over and said he would be more than happy to help me. The problem was simple: I never pushed the ON button. He filled the tire and then taught me how to do it. He expressed concern over my safety with such a flat tire and then went on to grab his own meter to show me what I should expect my tire to read every time (the one provided by the gas station was broken).

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Joy                                                    

Although it felt like it took me 5 minutes to do all this, I was actually at the gas station for almost an hour. As I drove home, I processed the risk of the flat tire and although I knew the car was driving funny, I was completely unaware. And even when my sister was trying to point it out to me, I wasn’t really concerned until I saw how the tire looked post air. My tire pressure light had been on and I still didn’t take the time to look at it, or at least to make sure it wasn’t bad. It is  a lot like my gasoline habit. I can get down to zero miles but it doesn’t make me nervous. I know, because I read somewhere (please don’t trust this), that when your car says 0 miles it really can go an additional 20 miles before it leaves you stranded. I have never been stranded but have come pretty close to getting a panic attack, when lost, running low on gas, phone is dead, and am in a completely unknown place (happened to me in December). Yet, I do it again and again.

So, as I processed this issue and my overwhelming amount of trust in my car, I saw a recurring theme. I am capable of trusting wholeheartedly. No problem. But most recently I have found myself teetering between believing whole heartedly in something I know can be done and surrendering hope. Like a tire needing air, I was infused multiple times this past week with unbelievable confirmation that hope is not lost. You see Faith is amazing, but no one said it would be easy. In the midst of the storm, you have to find peace and hold on to it. And while there, you’ll see the beauty of believing. Be the tire that gets infused with hope and faith, because our Father is your rim.  So even if you are left without air (or gas), you will keep going even if you wobble through, the rim will keep you upright until you can get infused once again.

XO

P.S. try not to go without air in your tires and/or gas. Trusting in your car is not nearly as good as trusting in God. Whereas eventually I will get stranded, God will never let me down.

 

A Word of Encouragement

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Often times I get so caught up with the things I’m asking God for, that I completely forget about the things he so diligently provides me with. The last couple weeks have been a bit difficult for my family as we slowly enter grounds we have never had to before. Last week I dropped Nate off at school, jumped in the car and let it all out. I cried the way Nate and Lei cry when they want one more piece of chocolate and I won’t budge (serious crying here 🙂 ). Thankfully Eric was in the car and he was able to bring me back by reminding me of God’s goodness. And this is the thing, His goodness is so good, it is overwhelming. He is here to overwhelm the things that overwhelm us.

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In the midst of difficult moments, He is always there although it may seem as though he is absent. The more I calm my mind and let go, the more I seem to see his hand over my life. Difficult moments will always be part of our life simply because we live on this earth, but they don’t have to be hopeless. God delivers us hope. He has given us the weapons with which to battle against anything. Crying is welcomed. He listens and he loves us for who we are. He understands.

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Thankfulness is key. Do what you can for others because you can. You have the power to change the atmosphere of any circumstance. Be bold. Go about your day knowing that he will deliver, because he will. Perhaps not in the way that you expect it, but he will never let you down.

Happy hump day!