Tag: goodness

Dreams 

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Nathan celebrating gold in his school olympics

We all dream about things we want to do and who we see ourselves around when fulfilling those dreams. Actually, most of the time we don’t even question who we would be around during those precious moments in our lives, we just assume that they will be there. Dreams keep us going. They are our goals. We strive towards them every day, wanting to make someone proud, fulfilling our own desires, or simply moving towards something different. But what do you do when your dreams are shattered? What happens when your rock is gone? When everything seizes to exist the way it should and time gets cut too short?

Aside from crying a lot, wishing time would rewind and praying every second you can- I’m not sure what else you can do. Nothing feels right and everything feels incomplete. But you take baby steps forward, because you must.

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Me & Mami 1988

And this is what I’m re-learning once again. Dreams are not abandoned. They never disappear. They must simply be tweeked due to unexpected changes. The problem is, most of the unexpected changes leave us not wanting to go on. Those dreams now seem fruitless, because the joy in them doesn’t quite feel the same.

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Mother’s Day 2016

I was recently gifted a key with the word DREAM engraved in it. My dearest sister wanted to remind me that our dreams must go on, even if everything feels broken. Our mother was our encourager, she loved watching us grow into new roles and would push us forward every time we wanted to throw in the towel.

Crossing the finish line
Seattle glass museum
We did it!

I was in Seattle this past weekend, running a race with my sister. And surprisingly, while I ran I felt great, better than any other time, even though I had ran very little since my mother went home. I had to hold back tears during the last leg of the race because I could feel my mother with me, cheering me on, telling me I could finish strong. And I did, I beat my previous time and felt full of joy. I was proud for doing something I had no desire to do. Honestly, I wanted to stay in our beautiful airbnb and have a pity party with the gloomy Seattle weather.

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Nana & Nene Fall 2016

My Mother is not gone, her presence is just different now.  And while nothing will ever be the same, things will be good, it will feel great again, perhaps not the way I thought it would; but it will. I know it. And even if I don’t believe it now, I will continue to confess it over myself, until I not only believe, but know it to be true.

XO

The Unexpected Encounter

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Nathan’s preschool teacher has been sick the entire week and thus we’ve had substitutes every day. I walked into his classroom today hoping she was back, but instead the air was knocked out of me. My hands began to shake the way they do when I have too much caffeine. I squeezed Elea closer to my chest and hoped no one could see the sweat that was starting to form as my body burned. In a blink of an eye, it was Spring 2014. My knees shook and it took all the strength I could muster up to keep me from falling over.

Nathan’s substitute for the day was his old teacher, the teacher that held my hand through emails and gentle questions. She encouraged me at a hopeless time. When Emme passed, the last thing I wanted to do was take Nathan to all his classes. I felt ashamed. I felt as though I had failed my daughter. My body had failed to be a safe home for her. I had failed at giving her life. And although I know this is all wrong and completely false, these feelings overpowered me for a long time. I felt worthless.

His teacher emailed me and every time I had the courage to come to class, she always greeted me and Nathan with love. I remember trying to pick up where I left off because Nathan needed his mother, but every time I walked into his school, all I could think about were the things everyone else was thinking. Feeling sorry for me and avoiding me. I now understand that they avoided me because there was nothing good enough to say to a grieving mother whose eyes looked like they were on a short pause from crying. Those days were shattering for me. But I never forgot her because every time I walked in there, it was like she knew and she held my hand through the rest of the school year.

This morning, our eyes met and I knew she remembered. We talked about Nathan but neither one of us had the courage to go back. I wanted nothing more than to give her a big hug and let her know how vital she was to my survival, but I couldn’t. My voice immediately cracked, my eyes filled and my body weakened. I couldn’t say thank you.

I’m not beating myself up about it. Like I have said before, grief is like the ocean waves, you never know which wave will knock you down, but you must get up, over and over again. I truly hope she knows what a beautiful person she is and how her kindness still inspires me. And next time, I hope I can get a step closer to telling her.

xoxo

 

A Word of Encouragement

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Often times I get so caught up with the things I’m asking God for, that I completely forget about the things he so diligently provides me with. The last couple weeks have been a bit difficult for my family as we slowly enter grounds we have never had to before. Last week I dropped Nate off at school, jumped in the car and let it all out. I cried the way Nate and Lei cry when they want one more piece of chocolate and I won’t budge (serious crying here 🙂 ). Thankfully Eric was in the car and he was able to bring me back by reminding me of God’s goodness. And this is the thing, His goodness is so good, it is overwhelming. He is here to overwhelm the things that overwhelm us.

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In the midst of difficult moments, He is always there although it may seem as though he is absent. The more I calm my mind and let go, the more I seem to see his hand over my life. Difficult moments will always be part of our life simply because we live on this earth, but they don’t have to be hopeless. God delivers us hope. He has given us the weapons with which to battle against anything. Crying is welcomed. He listens and he loves us for who we are. He understands.

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Thankfulness is key. Do what you can for others because you can. You have the power to change the atmosphere of any circumstance. Be bold. Go about your day knowing that he will deliver, because he will. Perhaps not in the way that you expect it, but he will never let you down.

Happy hump day!