My father was a great father. He was always present and always made sure he had the most awkward conversations with me, no matter what. He was present and demanded our full attention in return. This always annoyed me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. In hindsight, I am grateful. No teenager , at least not in my household, wanted to be smothered by our parents, or asked to share the highs and lows of our day. But my dad, he never let our attitude stop him. It almost made him try harder.
What I would have my father know now, if he would listen, would be that no one ever stops being a parent. Not even in the physical absence of the parent. And we never stop being a daughter or son. It is inevitable that the roles will change, as our parents age or get sick, and we are in our prime time. But our deepest role of child and parent never fades. I’d tell my father I miss him dearly and my heart yearns for the infinite love and tenderness he offered every day; fierce, relentless and selfless.
I wish he’d try a little more today. It doesn’t matter that I’m 38 with children of my own. He was a great father, and I wish he would have finished his role, by continuing to be present and offering his endless love, unsolicited advise, and talking me into taking the latest vitamins on the market.
In his absence, he has taught me the importance of parenting and how important it is to give every single day, regardless of my children’s attitude and their age. He instilled in me a love for my Heavenly Father, for which, I will be eternally grateful.
Have a wonderful weekend knowing you are loved on both sides of heaven 💛
Often times, throughout our lifetime we go through different seasons where our roles change and with it, our identity. There are permanent roles transcendent ones. And then there are those we are striving towards, or feel we are not good enough to identify with.
I am a daughter, sister, mother, sales professional, writer, story teller, and wife. There are other roles I have come to identify with, and others I have let go.
As part of my ongoing training ( in my profession), I join weekly meetings to listen in on what worked well that week, what did not, and what we I can do better and implement the following week. I love these meetings. They encourage me to constantly look inward and make adjustments. This should be the same way I look at everything in life. How can I be a little better tomorrow?
I’ve recently made it a habit to apologize to Eric for anything where I could have communicated better. For instance, on Monday, I responded to Eric’s question in an overly aggressive tone, and a heavy dose of sarcasm ( I’m actively working on toning this down). It wasn’t necessary, but it fit right in with the mood. My apology that morning wasn’t necessary, but I knew I could’ve done better. My follow up to that apology is to actively tone it down next time, take a breather, and respond with kindness. I want to actively work on being a better partner.
Our identity plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves and who we want to be. And even if you are not there, lasso in that identity and work towards it, and it will become you, or should I say you will morph into it. Take the leap and you shall reap rewards.
I put the love notes I get from my kids on my dashboard. I love reading these love notes on a daily basis and they bring me so much joy. HOWEVER, they don’t bring anyone else joy when driving my car. Eric hates it and so does my father in law. To be fair, they have borrowed my car many times when my gas has been on empty and gone unaware of it, because my notes cover everything (gas is a different story for another day). I always brush their comments off and move on. It is my car, after all. Well, yesterday, as I was coming home from a 2 hours drive (traffic!), I was too busy chitchatting when my phone fell off my dashboard. It was then that my heart skipped a beat. A tiny one.
My water level was pointing to the red H.
Bummer. I asked my sister what I should do and she quickly said, ” Pull over and call someone!” I thought this was pretty funny because I was on the phone, with her! I pulled over and called Eric. Then I proceeded to wait for Eric, while I was laughing to myself and apologizing to my car. See, my car has been telling me that I need an oil change for weeks now and because my schedule is so tight, I keep pushing it off. Long story short, I ran out of coolant and oil.
How many times do we get warnings about things, over and over and we keep on trucking? Ah, I do this all the time, with everything. I love my car, but I hate the maintenance of it, including getting gas. We can’t run on fumes, and when we continue to run on fumes, stuff blows up. Don’t worry, my engine is fine and I was the first one in the car shop this morning.
I often write about boundaries and saying no, but I have a difficult time with this. In the last several months I have been prioritizing myself, and every little thing I do (however small), empowers me, giving me more time to do the things I love. I’d encourage you to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. Basic information, but life changing if you apply it. I hope you have a fantastic weekend without a roadside adventure 🙂
I have always been afraid of failure. I think it stems from watching my parents give up their entire lives to give me the opportunity to have a choice. Often times the pressure I put on myself turns out to be heavier than the actual task at hand. And then there are times when fear prevents me from taking a risk.
Who wants to fail at anything?
I’ve had my share of failures and every time I’ve failed, I have been stronger, whether I understood it that way or not. Hindsight is always a gift.
As my children get older, I’ve noticed how I can easily place expectations on them that are unrealistic for their age, and development. I want to be the best parent I can be and often times I SUCK at it, especially in the mornings. I am the White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland, counting down the minutes and seconds we have left before I kick everyone out the door. All while my kids and my husband, walk around with no urgency and watching video footage of late night soccer games. Eric likes to say “I’m only showing them the highlights.” Right.
Anyway, every day I get to start over and it is a nice reminder that I need to give myself grace as much as I enjoying giving it. It’s ok not to be perfect and to be scared to do something we haven’t done before, or in a while. Every small change leads to a big change. So as long as I keep trying to do a little better every day, I am winning. I hope you see yourself for the winner you are as well 🙂
This weekend was my sister’s Bachelorette weekend and it was wonderful, up until we got back home and I got into my car to drive home. I quickly realized there was a huge prickly, crab looking spider living in my side-view mirror. It was enormous! I tried going faster on the highway so it would fly away, but it only seemed to tighten its grip. So I decided I would have my children sacrifice themselves and try and get the spider, but neither of them would take me up on the offer. To their defense, it is probably the biggest spider we have every seen outside of a safe enclosed space.
So we decided on the next best thing, the car wash. We went to a tunnel car wash and got the best car wash we could with the limited time we had, hoping the wraparounds would wash it off. We yelled as the soap was dispensed, water shot at our car, and the spider crab didn’t even flinch. “Oh no Mami, it’s not going to work! ” the kids yelled, and I honestly thought we were doomed. This spider crab probably laid eggs and will not be taken down by anything or anyone!
Then the grand finale- the dryers! They blew for what felt like an eternity, before the crab spider finally let go and flew by Nate’s window. “Yay!” we all cheered. We were done. Mission complete.
I couldn’t get the spider off my mind all day. She was relentless and unmoving, despite all the things I did to it all day. Speeding down the highway, poking at it with a stick, and going through a tunnel of torture seemed useless, until the very end. I hope that I have a slice of the grit this crab spider had. Life can be very much like her one day with me. Countless “things” will come our way, and we have to be anchored and go to battle, and be ok with the outcome, knowing we fought back. Failure shouldn’t hold us back.
I hope you have the courage to stand and take the spirit of the spider crab that lives within you.
I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .
Circa 1988
Write. Write. Write.
That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.
Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.
We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.
Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.
I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.
I’m actually a little embarrassed. My own page did not recognize me and had me go through all these loopholes to verify my identity. Once in, my jaw literally dropped when it said the last published post was from July of 2019! No! I gasped. Lately, well, more like the last year, I have written about 20 entries but I have failed to publish them.
Self portrait by Nathan
Hmm. I know, that’s what I said, too. Needless to say, this year has been such a rollercoaster and a blur. I think I had decided what I wanted to actively pursue, once Elea began to get use to staying at her pre-school. I was loving their schools (they both attended different schools last year), and I was ready to start a new season. And then, life as we knew it stopped.
Big kid morning rides
I remember that morning like it was yesterday. It was Wednesday, March 11th. My sister had a newborn at home and I had been doing some grocery shopping for her every couple weeks. I was heading over to Costco to stock her up on her toiletries. One of my very best friends was heading over to Costco herself, so we decided to have a date and meet up for coffee, which would be followed by our Costco shopping. Unbeknownst to us, that Costco trip will never be forgotten. It marked the beginning of COVID for me. It showed me what can happen to kind, normal, level headed human beings, when you do not know what the next day will look like.
America
My cart was taken 3 times, I was pushed and shoved by adults, there were toddlers crying out for their parents as people shoved them away from their guardians, food was being taken from carts that had owners, all the toiletries, including baby essentials, were being taken off the shelves and stocked piled by what felt like out of this world aggressors. I have not felt that afraid since I was a child in elementary school (different story).
Mother’s Day gift from Nathan
I left and didn’t return to Costco. It was a very unsettling feeling. What was happening and were the stores running out of food? Did I miss something on the news? Were we being invaded and never allowed to go to the store again? I lost my friend in the store. We were separated. We called and checked in. She was fine and I was fine. I sat in my car and cried. I was shaking so much I couldn’t even turn on the car. As an adult, I felt helpless to be unable to get something so simple done. I did my breathing exercises and calmed my heart, which felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest.
New Year Day 2020
It was very early. We did not understand what was happening. COVID was just like a cold. COVID was not like a cold. COVID was being used by politicians. COVID was…causing fear. The unknown. I had been following some of the stories about COVID before it was widely known and I was scared. I did not understand what it was and all the confusion around it. But did I need to worry? No one was worried in America. No one was really talking about it. It was a foreign problem. Or so, I was unconsciously thinking this way.
Quarantine beach days
It has been 5 months and 2 days since my family started quarantining. The worries are different every day. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I look forward to bed time so I can sit in silence and tackle my worries one at a time. But then I am reminded by our good, good, Father- He has got this. This does not look like the year I had in mind. I definitely did not anticipate having to teach every day for months, unable to get alone time exceeding the seconds it takes to use the restroom (even then I normally have a guest watching me!). BUT there has been so much goodness come out of these months. They may not be as clear as we would like them to be, but they are present.
Bed time snuggles under the pillow fort kid made bed
I choose to be optimistic. I choose to trust my Father because He has always been there. Every step of the way. In the darkest moments and in my most elated moments. He has given me breath, after breath, even when I thought I could not take the next one. Life is unpredictable, to say the least, but He is faithful. And even if you don’t believe it, and you can’t see it, He works everything for good. Every. Single. Time.
We all dream about things we want to do and who we see ourselves around when fulfilling those dreams. Actually, most of the time we don’t even question who we would be around during those precious moments in our lives, we just assume that they will be there. Dreams keep us going. They are our goals. We strive towards them every day, wanting to make someone proud, fulfilling our own desires, or simply moving towards something different. But what do you do when your dreams are shattered? What happens when your rock is gone? When everything seizes to exist the way it should and time gets cut too short?
Aside from crying a lot, wishing time would rewind and praying every second you can- I’m not sure what else you can do. Nothing feels right and everything feels incomplete. But you take baby steps forward, because you must.
Me & Mami 1988
And this is what I’m re-learning once again. Dreams are not abandoned. They never disappear. They must simply be tweeked due to unexpected changes. The problem is, most of the unexpected changes leave us not wanting to go on. Those dreams now seem fruitless, because the joy in them doesn’t quite feel the same.
Mother’s Day 2016
I was recently gifted a key with the word DREAM engraved in it. My dearest sister wanted to remind me that our dreams must go on, even if everything feels broken. Our mother was our encourager, she loved watching us grow into new roles and would push us forward every time we wanted to throw in the towel.
Crossing the finish line
Seattle glass museum
We did it!
I was in Seattle this past weekend, running a race with my sister. And surprisingly, while I ran I felt great, better than any other time, even though I had ran very little since my mother went home. I had to hold back tears during the last leg of the race because I could feel my mother with me, cheering me on, telling me I could finish strong. And I did, I beat my previous time and felt full of joy. I was proud for doing something I had no desire to do. Honestly, I wanted to stay in our beautiful airbnb and have a pity party with the gloomy Seattle weather.
Nana & Nene Fall 2016
My Mother is not gone, her presence is just different now. And while nothing will ever be the same, things will be good, it will feel great again, perhaps not the way I thought it would; but it will. I know it. And even if I don’t believe it now, I will continue to confess it over myself, until I not only believe, but know it to be true.
A week ago, anticipating today, I sat in my living room having a moment. I ran through every detail to ensure I still remembered. I ran my fingers up and down Emme’s c-section scar ensuring it was real. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes it feels like she’s going to run in and say something silly, as any 3 year old would. I thought about what she’d want her birthday theme to be. I thought about how I would, as always, plan for a small party but end up with a carnival.
Loss. It felt so heavy.
And then Life knocked at my door. As I cried in silence unable to open her box to inhale her smell again, to touch the hair the NICU nurses so gently packed for me, to fold and re-fold the baby clothes she wore for such a short period of time, I heard Nate’s butterfly begin to bat her wings, practicing as she broke through her chrysalis and embraced her new body. Charlie (our almost 2 year old turtle) began to chirp. I could hear the birds outside. In my sorrow, I heard life. There are no words to describe what I felt, but in that moment it was as if I was being told that life was blooming all around me, everywhere, all I had to do was silence my heart and listen.
The chrysalis
The anticipation of Easter has been hard the last couple years. I always felt so betrayed by it. Here comes spring and everything is blooming and there I am, mourning. I will never stop mourning; feeling extremely sad that I wasn’t able to live my life the way I would have liked with Emme. But this year I see life. I see it breaking through. The heaviness surrounds me but it’s not hopeless. No, it is not hopeless.
A couple days ago I was leaving my my sister’s place when she noticed that my tire was completely flat. My immediate response was, “oh, that tire is kinda funny, it’s always a little flat.” My sister looked at me like I was crazy, so I walked over to look at the tire. She proceeded with directions: I was to go directly to the nearest gas station and get it taken care of. I obliged. I got out of the car, pulled Elea out of her car seat and proceeded to go inside to pay for the air. I thought I was putting air in the tire but the tire wasn’t looking any better. I re-read the instructions and kept trying. After no success I finally reached inside to grab my phone to call Eric, only to realize I had no phone. So, I looked around and approached the kindest looking person, an older gentleman who I later realized was living out of his car. He walked over and said he would be more than happy to help me. The problem was simple: I never pushed the ON button. He filled the tire and then taught me how to do it. He expressed concern over my safety with such a flat tire and then went on to grab his own meter to show me what I should expect my tire to read every time (the one provided by the gas station was broken).
Although it felt like it took me 5 minutes to do all this, I was actually at the gas station for almost an hour. As I drove home, I processed the risk of the flat tire and although I knew the car was driving funny, I was completely unaware. And even when my sister was trying to point it out to me, I wasn’t really concerned until I saw how the tire looked post air. My tire pressure light had been on and I still didn’t take the time to look at it, or at least to make sure it wasn’t bad. It is a lot like my gasoline habit. I can get down to zero miles but it doesn’t make me nervous. I know, because I read somewhere (please don’t trust this), that when your car says 0 miles it really can go an additional 20 miles before it leaves you stranded. I have never been stranded but have come pretty close to getting a panic attack, when lost, running low on gas, phone is dead, and am in a completely unknown place (happened to me in December). Yet, I do it again and again.
So, as I processed this issue and my overwhelming amount of trust in my car, I saw a recurring theme. I am capable of trusting wholeheartedly. No problem. But most recently I have found myself teetering between believing whole heartedly in something I know can be done and surrendering hope. Like a tire needing air, I was infused multiple times this past week with unbelievable confirmation that hope is not lost. You see Faith is amazing, but no one said it would be easy. In the midst of the storm, you have to find peace and hold on to it. And while there, you’ll see the beauty of believing. Be the tire that gets infused with hope and faith, because our Father is your rim. So even if you are left without air (or gas), you will keep going even if you wobble through, the rim will keep you upright until you can get infused once again.
XO
P.S. try not to go without air in your tires and/or gas. Trusting in your car is not nearly as good as trusting in God. Whereas eventually I will get stranded, God will never let me down.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 
