Often times, throughout our lifetime we go through different seasons where our roles change and with it, our identity. There are permanent roles transcendent ones. And then there are those we are striving towards, or feel we are not good enough to identify with.
I am a daughter, sister, mother, sales professional, writer, story teller, and wife. There are other roles I have come to identify with, and others I have let go.
As part of my ongoing training ( in my profession), I join weekly meetings to listen in on what worked well that week, what did not, and what we I can do better and implement the following week. I love these meetings. They encourage me to constantly look inward and make adjustments. This should be the same way I look at everything in life. How can I be a little better tomorrow?
I’ve recently made it a habit to apologize to Eric for anything where I could have communicated better. For instance, on Monday, I responded to Eric’s question in an overly aggressive tone, and a heavy dose of sarcasm ( I’m actively working on toning this down). It wasn’t necessary, but it fit right in with the mood. My apology that morning wasn’t necessary, but I knew I could’ve done better. My follow up to that apology is to actively tone it down next time, take a breather, and respond with kindness. I want to actively work on being a better partner.
Our identity plays a huge role in how we conduct ourselves and who we want to be. And even if you are not there, lasso in that identity and work towards it, and it will become you, or should I say you will morph into it. Take the leap and you shall reap rewards.
I put the love notes I get from my kids on my dashboard. I love reading these love notes on a daily basis and they bring me so much joy. HOWEVER, they don’t bring anyone else joy when driving my car. Eric hates it and so does my father in law. To be fair, they have borrowed my car many times when my gas has been on empty and gone unaware of it, because my notes cover everything (gas is a different story for another day). I always brush their comments off and move on. It is my car, after all. Well, yesterday, as I was coming home from a 2 hours drive (traffic!), I was too busy chitchatting when my phone fell off my dashboard. It was then that my heart skipped a beat. A tiny one.
My water level was pointing to the red H.
Bummer. I asked my sister what I should do and she quickly said, ” Pull over and call someone!” I thought this was pretty funny because I was on the phone, with her! I pulled over and called Eric. Then I proceeded to wait for Eric, while I was laughing to myself and apologizing to my car. See, my car has been telling me that I need an oil change for weeks now and because my schedule is so tight, I keep pushing it off. Long story short, I ran out of coolant and oil.
How many times do we get warnings about things, over and over and we keep on trucking? Ah, I do this all the time, with everything. I love my car, but I hate the maintenance of it, including getting gas. We can’t run on fumes, and when we continue to run on fumes, stuff blows up. Don’t worry, my engine is fine and I was the first one in the car shop this morning.
I often write about boundaries and saying no, but I have a difficult time with this. In the last several months I have been prioritizing myself, and every little thing I do (however small), empowers me, giving me more time to do the things I love. I’d encourage you to read Atomic Habits by James Clear. Basic information, but life changing if you apply it. I hope you have a fantastic weekend without a roadside adventure 🙂
I have always been afraid of failure. I think it stems from watching my parents give up their entire lives to give me the opportunity to have a choice. Often times the pressure I put on myself turns out to be heavier than the actual task at hand. And then there are times when fear prevents me from taking a risk.
Who wants to fail at anything?
I’ve had my share of failures and every time I’ve failed, I have been stronger, whether I understood it that way or not. Hindsight is always a gift.
As my children get older, I’ve noticed how I can easily place expectations on them that are unrealistic for their age, and development. I want to be the best parent I can be and often times I SUCK at it, especially in the mornings. I am the White Rabbit from Alice and Wonderland, counting down the minutes and seconds we have left before I kick everyone out the door. All while my kids and my husband, walk around with no urgency and watching video footage of late night soccer games. Eric likes to say “I’m only showing them the highlights.” Right.
Anyway, every day I get to start over and it is a nice reminder that I need to give myself grace as much as I enjoying giving it. It’s ok not to be perfect and to be scared to do something we haven’t done before, or in a while. Every small change leads to a big change. So as long as I keep trying to do a little better every day, I am winning. I hope you see yourself for the winner you are as well 🙂
This weekend was my sister’s Bachelorette weekend and it was wonderful, up until we got back home and I got into my car to drive home. I quickly realized there was a huge prickly, crab looking spider living in my side-view mirror. It was enormous! I tried going faster on the highway so it would fly away, but it only seemed to tighten its grip. So I decided I would have my children sacrifice themselves and try and get the spider, but neither of them would take me up on the offer. To their defense, it is probably the biggest spider we have every seen outside of a safe enclosed space.
So we decided on the next best thing, the car wash. We went to a tunnel car wash and got the best car wash we could with the limited time we had, hoping the wraparounds would wash it off. We yelled as the soap was dispensed, water shot at our car, and the spider crab didn’t even flinch. “Oh no Mami, it’s not going to work! ” the kids yelled, and I honestly thought we were doomed. This spider crab probably laid eggs and will not be taken down by anything or anyone!
Then the grand finale- the dryers! They blew for what felt like an eternity, before the crab spider finally let go and flew by Nate’s window. “Yay!” we all cheered. We were done. Mission complete.
I couldn’t get the spider off my mind all day. She was relentless and unmoving, despite all the things I did to it all day. Speeding down the highway, poking at it with a stick, and going through a tunnel of torture seemed useless, until the very end. I hope that I have a slice of the grit this crab spider had. Life can be very much like her one day with me. Countless “things” will come our way, and we have to be anchored and go to battle, and be ok with the outcome, knowing we fought back. Failure shouldn’t hold us back.
I hope you have the courage to stand and take the spirit of the spider crab that lives within you.
I was taking an upper division Rhetoric class at Cal my junior year. Half the time, I was lost as to what we were truly discussing. It was one of those classes where you had to reread the passages over and over, and yet you still didn’t quite understand what in the world the philosopher was saying. I would get so nervous walking into this class, I would literally make myself sick, and it was very very loud. My stomach would make the most awkward sounds. I distinctively remember a classmate leaning over and offering me his protein bar. I didn’t know him, but he must have thought I was starving! The noise would cause me to feel so embarrassed, I would start sweating and undergo severe hot flashes. Everyone had to speak and everyone had to read. No excuses. And as you can imagine, this only amplified my hot mess.
I dreaded this class for 3 1/2 months that Fall semester. I never really knew if it was the language barrier that I allowed to get in my head that made me nervous, or question my understanding, but I ended up with an A in the class and a glowing review of my writing. But I didn’t believe it, and least of all, throughout the semester. I didn’t allow myself to drop the class, but I did change my grading option from a letter grade to pass/no pass. I walked into the office and changed to my letter grading to P/NP, all because I sold myself short.
How often do we allow doubt to take over our thoughts and ambition, preventing us from developing, growing, and learning. I wish I would have had the courage to tell my younger self that I was able and capable, and even if I had to drag my confidence into the classroom, I would show up and not allow fear to physically make me sick. We always have a choice, and I’m glad, sickness and all, I always marched into Morgan Hall, sweated my butt off, and pretended to put my best foot forward.
In every season, in every moment, even the painful ones, I have been your rock. When you have thought there was no hope, hope never gave up on you. My heart is grace, although you have had such a difficult time accepting it from me on so many occasions. I am intricately entwined with your spirit, among threads of hope, forgiveness, endurance. I push you forward, hoping you will be relentless, and graceful when you fall. Because you will fall, and you will feel as if I have been shattered, but cry not, for I will recover. I always have and I always will. Forgive and be renewed. Stop overthinking your mistakes, clean up and try again tomorrow. I surround you, and have surrounded you with those who let me live within them.
I don’t remember the dream, but I woke up sobbing. The big emptiness in my chest that seems to suffocate me was back. I whispered, “ I miss you Mami,” and drifted back to sleep. The morning felt heavy, yet different .
Circa 1988
Write. Write. Write.
That’s what I felt my heart was saying to me. So here I am, it’s 5:56pm. I am sitting in the Dojo watching my kids do karate and making the time for these thoughts to unravel on this screen.
Grief. It never leaves you. There are seasons when the waves don’t seem to knock you off your feet. Then there are seasons when you’re anchoring your feet, folding your toes into the sand with all your might, and yet the waves push you around just the same.
We are not meant to hold our breath under water for an endless amount of time. We are not meant to stand wave after wave without assistance or being knocked down. I will always need, miss, and mourn my mother. The disappointment of her absence will forever sting. And this is ok.
Disappointment of expectations unfulfilled is something we all feel and mourn. And yet, we have hope, and hope is that which allows us to feel these emotions and at the same time know that His goodness will never fail us.
I hope that as you go through your waves of grief (whatever those may be for you), you feel hope deep within you.
I’m actually a little embarrassed. My own page did not recognize me and had me go through all these loopholes to verify my identity. Once in, my jaw literally dropped when it said the last published post was from July of 2019! No! I gasped. Lately, well, more like the last year, I have written about 20 entries but I have failed to publish them.
Self portrait by Nathan
Hmm. I know, that’s what I said, too. Needless to say, this year has been such a rollercoaster and a blur. I think I had decided what I wanted to actively pursue, once Elea began to get use to staying at her pre-school. I was loving their schools (they both attended different schools last year), and I was ready to start a new season. And then, life as we knew it stopped.
Big kid morning rides
I remember that morning like it was yesterday. It was Wednesday, March 11th. My sister had a newborn at home and I had been doing some grocery shopping for her every couple weeks. I was heading over to Costco to stock her up on her toiletries. One of my very best friends was heading over to Costco herself, so we decided to have a date and meet up for coffee, which would be followed by our Costco shopping. Unbeknownst to us, that Costco trip will never be forgotten. It marked the beginning of COVID for me. It showed me what can happen to kind, normal, level headed human beings, when you do not know what the next day will look like.
America
My cart was taken 3 times, I was pushed and shoved by adults, there were toddlers crying out for their parents as people shoved them away from their guardians, food was being taken from carts that had owners, all the toiletries, including baby essentials, were being taken off the shelves and stocked piled by what felt like out of this world aggressors. I have not felt that afraid since I was a child in elementary school (different story).
Mother’s Day gift from Nathan
I left and didn’t return to Costco. It was a very unsettling feeling. What was happening and were the stores running out of food? Did I miss something on the news? Were we being invaded and never allowed to go to the store again? I lost my friend in the store. We were separated. We called and checked in. She was fine and I was fine. I sat in my car and cried. I was shaking so much I couldn’t even turn on the car. As an adult, I felt helpless to be unable to get something so simple done. I did my breathing exercises and calmed my heart, which felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest.
New Year Day 2020
It was very early. We did not understand what was happening. COVID was just like a cold. COVID was not like a cold. COVID was being used by politicians. COVID was…causing fear. The unknown. I had been following some of the stories about COVID before it was widely known and I was scared. I did not understand what it was and all the confusion around it. But did I need to worry? No one was worried in America. No one was really talking about it. It was a foreign problem. Or so, I was unconsciously thinking this way.
Quarantine beach days
It has been 5 months and 2 days since my family started quarantining. The worries are different every day. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I look forward to bed time so I can sit in silence and tackle my worries one at a time. But then I am reminded by our good, good, Father- He has got this. This does not look like the year I had in mind. I definitely did not anticipate having to teach every day for months, unable to get alone time exceeding the seconds it takes to use the restroom (even then I normally have a guest watching me!). BUT there has been so much goodness come out of these months. They may not be as clear as we would like them to be, but they are present.
Bed time snuggles under the pillow fort kid made bed
I choose to be optimistic. I choose to trust my Father because He has always been there. Every step of the way. In the darkest moments and in my most elated moments. He has given me breath, after breath, even when I thought I could not take the next one. Life is unpredictable, to say the least, but He is faithful. And even if you don’t believe it, and you can’t see it, He works everything for good. Every. Single. Time.
On Saturday, my sisters and I hosted our 6th annual holiday cookie party. It was our first without our mama, and every day leading up to the day, I thought about canceling. I thought it would be better to go without this year. Nothing feels the same without her and most things just make me miss her even more. My mom never made a cookie for our party, but she brought the best stuff, the tamales we always serve and Arroz con Leche (a rice drink somewhat similar to rice pudding). And if she couldn’t make it, she made sure her goodies always did.
Thanksgiving was over and the heaviness of it had lifted. And now the cookie party was giving me a little bit of anxiety. Where do we get the tamales from? Would it be ok if we cancel? Why did we send the invitations? Thankfully my sister was able to get us a fantastic contact and the tamales were delivered and were just as yummy. But the tamales were never the problem. It was her presence that I wanted so badly. The presence of love, joy and so much laughter you almost pee your pants (Nathan is going through this stage right now).
The cookies began to arrive and soon enough the house was full, all the christmas decorations were singing, blinking their lights, going round and round their tracks, and laughter filled the walls. It felt surreal. Physically I was very much present, but I felt like I was watching all this from a glass window. I could see my sisters laughing, tasting, and through their eyes I could see joy. It was a like the spirit of joy was going in and out, zig-zagging through each guest. My heart went from incompleteness to an incredible feeling of fulfillment. I walked in and out from the first living room, through the cookie room, right to the Christmas tree room, and every room was filled with laughter.
The night was perfect. The anxiety had vanished and had been replaced with heart warming love. I went home so full of love and joy, I felt it would burst from the seams. The best part was the feeling that mom was there, too. I felt like she was proud that my sisters and I continued something so simple yet hard to put together without her. She was proud that we opened our hearts and gave them the opportunity to fill with joy. She was proud that we chose to give joy a chance, when we could have easily cancelled it.
So this week started with a high and I hope it will end that way. I will choose to keep my heart open for now and remind myself of the goodness that will continue to fall upon me and my family, because now my mom is in heaven, and she, of course, sends extra joy down to her babies (grandkids included 😉 ).
I am glad this week is wrapping up. It has been full of low’s and high’s, and lots of tears. As a parent you can’t skip holidays, even if your heart is asking you to. My children love decorating and making our home feel warm and cozy. The last several months have made me feel like an actress, trying to convince my children that all is well. Pushing through the days full of activities and school engagements.
Thanksgiving 2016
Every year at our Thanksgiving dinner we go around the table randomly picking a colored M&M, telling everyone what we are thankful for given the category assigned to the colored chocolate. My mom was infamous. She always started with the category and then moved on to a speech on thankfulness. I can remember almost verbatim what she said last year. This year I searched my heart, and I knew I had millions things to be thankful for, yet I felt empty. I felt unthankful. I wasn’t given enough. This year came up short. By a lot. I was angry. I was disappointed. I was not very pleasant to be around. So, I avoided the chocolate aisle at the stores and focused on having a good time with the kids on their week off and training for our Turkey Trot in downtown LA.
Turkey Trot 2017
My heart asked me to go to our Thanksgiving church service Wednesday at noon, and although I wanted to give in, I found a list of reasons why I couldn’t go. But I mustered the courage to go against my distraught self. We were late but we made it. Elea went to the children’s nursery and Nathan went into the main sanctuary with me, as it was a special family service. We proceeded to sit all the way in the back. Physically my body was present, but my mind was going 100 miles a minute, inundated by thoughts. Then Nate tapped my leg and asked me what was on the screen.
Pastor Jeff was showing us pictures of the Universe, stars, and beauty that exists beyond our eyes. And then he proceeded to say the following, and I paraphrase:
What is man? So precious to Him that he sent Jesus to die for us.
He made the universe; but he’s thinking of you. All the rest, the beauty in galaxies, he does on his spare time. He is thinking of us.
He does all these things to awe us. He thinks about me. About my family. He collects my tears in a bottle. He is concerned with the details of my life. And yet he created the heavens. He is the same God that wants to take care of my needs. He has never not cared about me.
Before I was even born, he cared about me (Gills, 2017).
Now, I know this to be true, just like I know I have so many things to be thankful for. But my heart needed to hear it and I needed to feel it. And in that moment I did. I kept reminding myself of it the rest of the week. I kept reminding myself of it every time I cried, as I started my Turkey Trot with tears in my eyes, as I sat around an amazing dinner table full of loved ones, and as I sit here now, missing my mama.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 