2024 flew on by and I never posted. 2025 is more than halfway gone, and my fingers have finally started to itch for the keys. I have wanted to write so much this year, but it hasn’t ranked high enough on the list for it to get done. I’m rusty.
2024 was a tough year. From summer on, we struggled with keeping the kids healthy. Nate had Salmonella, broken bones ( each kid took a turn wearing a cast!), endless colds, severe stomachaches that debilitated my daughter for almost a year, as we searched tirelessly for the source. There were so many late nights where Eric and I found ourselves trying to motivate one another to get through one more day. In hindsight, I can see how God was faithful, aligning different people in our paths for guidance, but gosh was it difficult.
Deep life reflection 😂
Walking in faith seems easy when everything is moving along, yet so out of reach when you’re in the thick of it. I wonder how our Father sees everything from his perspective, encouraging us, whispering gently, never overbearing, allowing us the freedom to choose. Excited that he knows what is in store at the end, empathetic as we navigate life, hoping we hold space long enough to hear him and rest on his promises.
Wind tunnel in Cintra
As 2025 started, we confessed health over all of us, God’s goodness and favor. We prayed that we would slow down, and really take in the time we have with one another. I am happy to report, we have only had one fracture this year, ok, maybe 2 as we wait to hear whether or not Nate’s nose is broken from a head collision during a soccer tournament. He says it was worth the championship!
PSC champions ⚽️
I am thankful for the slowdown we have been able to embrace this summer ☀️ I am working on building character, setting my foundation on Him, for He is my family’s rock on which we choose to stand, come what may.
My father was a great father. He was always present and always made sure he had the most awkward conversations with me, no matter what. He was present and demanded our full attention in return. This always annoyed me. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone. In hindsight, I am grateful. No teenager , at least not in my household, wanted to be smothered by our parents, or asked to share the highs and lows of our day. But my dad, he never let our attitude stop him. It almost made him try harder.
What I would have my father know now, if he would listen, would be that no one ever stops being a parent. Not even in the physical absence of the parent. And we never stop being a daughter or son. It is inevitable that the roles will change, as our parents age or get sick, and we are in our prime time. But our deepest role of child and parent never fades. I’d tell my father I miss him dearly and my heart yearns for the infinite love and tenderness he offered every day; fierce, relentless and selfless.
I wish he’d try a little more today. It doesn’t matter that I’m 38 with children of my own. He was a great father, and I wish he would have finished his role, by continuing to be present and offering his endless love, unsolicited advise, and talking me into taking the latest vitamins on the market.
In his absence, he has taught me the importance of parenting and how important it is to give every single day, regardless of my children’s attitude and their age. He instilled in me a love for my Heavenly Father, for which, I will be eternally grateful.
Have a wonderful weekend knowing you are loved on both sides of heaven 💛
I’m actually a little embarrassed. My own page did not recognize me and had me go through all these loopholes to verify my identity. Once in, my jaw literally dropped when it said the last published post was from July of 2019! No! I gasped. Lately, well, more like the last year, I have written about 20 entries but I have failed to publish them.
Self portrait by Nathan
Hmm. I know, that’s what I said, too. Needless to say, this year has been such a rollercoaster and a blur. I think I had decided what I wanted to actively pursue, once Elea began to get use to staying at her pre-school. I was loving their schools (they both attended different schools last year), and I was ready to start a new season. And then, life as we knew it stopped.
Big kid morning rides
I remember that morning like it was yesterday. It was Wednesday, March 11th. My sister had a newborn at home and I had been doing some grocery shopping for her every couple weeks. I was heading over to Costco to stock her up on her toiletries. One of my very best friends was heading over to Costco herself, so we decided to have a date and meet up for coffee, which would be followed by our Costco shopping. Unbeknownst to us, that Costco trip will never be forgotten. It marked the beginning of COVID for me. It showed me what can happen to kind, normal, level headed human beings, when you do not know what the next day will look like.
America
My cart was taken 3 times, I was pushed and shoved by adults, there were toddlers crying out for their parents as people shoved them away from their guardians, food was being taken from carts that had owners, all the toiletries, including baby essentials, were being taken off the shelves and stocked piled by what felt like out of this world aggressors. I have not felt that afraid since I was a child in elementary school (different story).
Mother’s Day gift from Nathan
I left and didn’t return to Costco. It was a very unsettling feeling. What was happening and were the stores running out of food? Did I miss something on the news? Were we being invaded and never allowed to go to the store again? I lost my friend in the store. We were separated. We called and checked in. She was fine and I was fine. I sat in my car and cried. I was shaking so much I couldn’t even turn on the car. As an adult, I felt helpless to be unable to get something so simple done. I did my breathing exercises and calmed my heart, which felt like it was going to jump right out of my chest.
New Year Day 2020
It was very early. We did not understand what was happening. COVID was just like a cold. COVID was not like a cold. COVID was being used by politicians. COVID was…causing fear. The unknown. I had been following some of the stories about COVID before it was widely known and I was scared. I did not understand what it was and all the confusion around it. But did I need to worry? No one was worried in America. No one was really talking about it. It was a foreign problem. Or so, I was unconsciously thinking this way.
Quarantine beach days
It has been 5 months and 2 days since my family started quarantining. The worries are different every day. Some days are easier than others, and sometimes I look forward to bed time so I can sit in silence and tackle my worries one at a time. But then I am reminded by our good, good, Father- He has got this. This does not look like the year I had in mind. I definitely did not anticipate having to teach every day for months, unable to get alone time exceeding the seconds it takes to use the restroom (even then I normally have a guest watching me!). BUT there has been so much goodness come out of these months. They may not be as clear as we would like them to be, but they are present.
Bed time snuggles under the pillow fort kid made bed
I choose to be optimistic. I choose to trust my Father because He has always been there. Every step of the way. In the darkest moments and in my most elated moments. He has given me breath, after breath, even when I thought I could not take the next one. Life is unpredictable, to say the least, but He is faithful. And even if you don’t believe it, and you can’t see it, He works everything for good. Every. Single. Time.
A week ago, anticipating today, I sat in my living room having a moment. I ran through every detail to ensure I still remembered. I ran my fingers up and down Emme’s c-section scar ensuring it was real. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. Sometimes it feels like she’s going to run in and say something silly, as any 3 year old would. I thought about what she’d want her birthday theme to be. I thought about how I would, as always, plan for a small party but end up with a carnival.
Loss. It felt so heavy.
And then Life knocked at my door. As I cried in silence unable to open her box to inhale her smell again, to touch the hair the NICU nurses so gently packed for me, to fold and re-fold the baby clothes she wore for such a short period of time, I heard Nate’s butterfly begin to bat her wings, practicing as she broke through her chrysalis and embraced her new body. Charlie (our almost 2 year old turtle) began to chirp. I could hear the birds outside. In my sorrow, I heard life. There are no words to describe what I felt, but in that moment it was as if I was being told that life was blooming all around me, everywhere, all I had to do was silence my heart and listen.
The chrysalis
The anticipation of Easter has been hard the last couple years. I always felt so betrayed by it. Here comes spring and everything is blooming and there I am, mourning. I will never stop mourning; feeling extremely sad that I wasn’t able to live my life the way I would have liked with Emme. But this year I see life. I see it breaking through. The heaviness surrounds me but it’s not hopeless. No, it is not hopeless.
Often times I get so caught up with the things I’m asking God for, that I completely forget about the things he so diligently provides me with. The last couple weeks have been a bit difficult for my family as we slowly enter grounds we have never had to before. Last week I dropped Nate off at school, jumped in the car and let it all out. I cried the way Nate and Lei cry when they want one more piece of chocolate and I won’t budge (serious crying here 🙂 ). Thankfully Eric was in the car and he was able to bring me back by reminding me of God’s goodness. And this is the thing, His goodness is so good, it is overwhelming. He is here to overwhelm the things that overwhelm us.
In the midst of difficult moments, He is always there although it may seem as though he is absent. The more I calm my mind and let go, the more I seem to see his hand over my life. Difficult moments will always be part of our life simply because we live on this earth, but they don’t have to be hopeless. God delivers us hope. He has given us the weapons with which to battle against anything. Crying is welcomed. He listens and he loves us for who we are. He understands.
Thankfulness is key. Do what you can for others because you can. You have the power to change the atmosphere of any circumstance. Be bold. Go about your day knowing that he will deliver, because he will. Perhaps not in the way that you expect it, but he will never let you down.
Confessions of a Wife, Mother & Cook 