Today I got some bad news. I knew immediately before anything was said that the news wasn’t going to be good news. As he started to tell me what I had a hunch was going to be said (hints here and there weeks prior), I immediately wanted to start crying and walk out of the living room. But I didn’t. I stayed and played it cool even though my eyes immediately watered, my face felt as though it was burning and what felt like a gulf ball had formed in my throat. If you’ve ever experienced this ball in your throat sensation you know very well that once the feeling is there, you’re probably not going to say anything unless you are prepared to sound like you’re about to have a breakdown. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably start crying because you won’t be able to hold back.

This has been a problem since I was a little girl. I would cry over being pushed by my older sister, if my brother teased me excessively, or if someone spoke to me too harshly. It was normal to see me cry in my household, yet it hardly had the effect I wanted it to have because I did it almost every day! Thankfully I am no longer so sensitive but every now and then I’ll let it out.

Today would have been one of those days where tears were very justified but I held back (I was very proud of myself!), only to realize that it really only made me feel worse. Natey was up almost all night yesterday so I got very little sleep last night. After the bad news conversation was had I put Natey down for a nap and  snuggled right next to him deciding that I too needed a nap. I woke up to DD picking up Natey as he cried next to me letting me know he was unhappy 🙂 In hindsight I’m glad I didn’t say anything. I avoided swollen eyes ( I get them every time I cry!), had time to think about what I felt and how I’m going to let him know that it’s truly not ok, although I stated otherwise. 

The conversations ended with him embracing me, kissing me, telling me he loved me, and asking me not to be mad. I’m not mad, I know he loves me and I appreciate him talking to me but I’m devastated. So as I write this post tonight, watching Natey sleep and missing Z (he’s out of town for the weekend), I’m glad everything unfolded the way it did. Not everything went according to plan but I did have it in me to maintain my composure when it felt like the walls around me were crumbling down.

To better days 🙂