Love

Today I woke up and I could hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing, I could FEEL the sunlight breaking through the blinds and before I was fully awake, a big baby was dropped on my side by Eric. Elea gave me a huge smile and crawled towards me, smacking her lips, she snuggled right next to me and began nursing. I could hear Papa and Nathan giggling and getting ready for the ‘train ride’ to the living room (Nathan hopping on Eric’s back). I could feel joy, again. It was back. Well, technically, it never left me but I was having a hard time digging through the ugly to feel joy. The last 14  days have been difficult, to say the least. I have gone from feeling miserable, having uncontrollable crying episodes, to not having the energy to get out of bed because sadness had taken over my heart. Everything was a blur, again. The emotions and mist from Emme’s passing were back. The dreams came back with a vengeance and my heart bled.

Nathan on a sad day (8 months old)

It was raw. The cut had been split open and I was trying so hard to try and make it through each day. I was angry all over. I wanted to do nothing but sit on my couch, eat all the chocolate and baked goods I could and cry. Sob, laugh and cry some more. And that’s exactly what I did. I embraced every ugly feeling I had.  I woke up every morning wanting to feel better but it was difficult. So whenever I could, I would hold on to this grief and I smeared it everywhere and slowly went through each emotion, over and over. At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and approach Eric and let him know it was more than I could handle, I needed help because I wasn’t able to deal. And then, today happened. I woke up and I heard it. I heard joy knocking at my heart. It wanted back in.

Worship gets me through my lowest moments. The past couple weeks I have submerged myself in Kristene DiMarco’s MIGHTY cd. It is AMAZING. Nathan knows all the lyrics to the CD as it has been on replay all month. My spirit breaks down and my Father molds me back. 

My sister sent me this passage on Wednesday, the day my arms felt the heaviest and where my legs felt like stones I couldn’t move out of bed : 

You keep track of all my sorrows. 

You have collected all my tears in your bottle. 

You have recorded each one in your book. 

Psalm 56:8

JOY

Sometimes I forget that our Father has everything under control, and that he too, feels everything we feel, and in my case, he is mourning with me.  I have a tendency of pulling away from Him when it starts to get difficult and it is nice to be reminded that He wants to feel with me, sit with me and eat chocolate as we cry. He loves me more for bringing my ugly to him. He loves all of me and not one tear goes unrecorded. 

xoxo