The first picture I ever took with my fancy camera, May 2013

On my first Mother’s Day Eric gifted me a fancy camera. I fell in love with the art and Nate became my muse. I quickly enrolled in classes and was in love with my assignments. As usual, I tried to be the best and worked hard at my new found passion. Once we found out we were expecting Emme, I worked harder, thinking of all the pictures I would take of her and Nate. I had planned the newborn shoot and all the props I would be using. And then my little Emme was born. The eight days of her life went by so quickly. Sometimes I feel like I blinked and they were over. Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t even fully awake. I was trying to navigate through dense fog, unable to see anything infront of me. Impossible. It took months for me to unravel the emotions of those days, even longer to accept what had happened.

Once we realized she wasn’t here to stay, we took her home but I never thought I would only have her an additional day. Often I am saddened that I didn’t take more pictures. That the only pictures I have will never increase. The photographer that we asked to come didn’t make it on time. We simply didn’t fathom her life slipping from our hands so quickly.

A blur. The whole time. It was a blur.

Emme Sophia Zurbrugg, 5 days old

Once we knew she was slipping away, I just wanted to hold her. I whispered love into her ears and kissed every part of her. I wanted to share her with no one. I remember Eric coming in and asking me to go outside with her so my brother in law could try and take some pictures of us, but I couldn’t make it. My legs had collapsed. My heart was broken. I could hardly see from my swollen eyes. All I asked was that he bring her back to me, fast. The pictures they took, they open up a part of my heart I like to wrap and gently hold. My heart has built a wall around itself to try and protect me. Whenever I see the pictures, I can feel everything. And the feelings, I welcome.

I never picked up my camera again. I didn’t have the courage. I tried. But with my Little Giant’s death, my hopes and dreams died, too. Nathan saved me.

LOVE as captured by the amazing Hannah Sons

When we found out we were expecting Elea, I tried to pick it up, but I couldn’t. I told myself once she was born I would be able to do it. But I wasn’t able to. And in my mind I would talk myself up to opening the camera bag but I was never able to go through with it. My family would ask why I never used my camera and I would simply change the subject or blame my awesome iPhone for it.

Heart Made Whole by Christa Black Gifford

But the last week I have been working on my heart thanks to Christa Black Gifford, and the awesome opportunity I was given to be part of her launch team for her new book, Heart Made Whole. I was given a copy of the book and have been going through an amazing healing process for my beautiful heart. And then a friend shared a special 4 week course that uses photography as a creative healing process after the loss of a child. It all fell into place with little doing from me. I took it as a sign.

A picture from today: GO BEARS!!!

So after two years, 1 month and 7 days of saying good bye to Emme Sophia, today I gathered the courage. In the chaos of getting Nate ready for sports day at school and wondering why Lea wasn’t up at 8:24 a.m. (she usually wakes at 6:30 a.m.), I stopped thinking, pushed my fears to the back burner , opened the closet, removed the spare chairs, pushed all the boxes to the side, pulled and yanked at the camera bag that sat full of dust in the very corner of the hallway closet. I unzipped while starring at the Swifter and pulled the camera out with my right hand. I ran my fingers over it and smiled. We ran out of the house before I realized the camera hung around my body.

Nate said, “you’re going to take pictures of me mama?”

And I smiled as I responded, “yes, yes I am baby bear.”

Big mama and baby bear by Hannah Sons