My mom left this earth in 2017 and since her departure, every morning on the day of my birthday, I wonder what she felt when her water broke on October 31st, 1984. I never bothered to ask her much because I assumed she would be around for a long time. I wonder if she was excited, yet worried that soon enough she would be coming home with a newborn in tow, while she had a 4 and 2 year old eagerly awaiting her arrival. I would have been overwhelmed and maybe shedding some tears thinking of the amount of work I was walking into.

I wonder what her thoughts were when they cleaned me up and handed me over to her. Did it feel like a blanket of love over her body, did she cry from the power of connection she felt? or was it relief she felt at it all being over, especially since she didn’t take any drugs to alleviate the birthing pain. Did she then think about my brother and sister, and yearn to have them present, as her heart expanded a little more to make room for one more. I wonder what she worried about with her third child. I felt relief and fear of the sleepless nights that were upon me. But I wonder if that was even a concern for my mother, who was the baby of the siblings, and whose kids were especially loved by everyone as the youngest around.

I wish I would have spent more time talking to my mother about these little things. Though not very important, they are the little stories I think about when I am laying down at night wishing I had one more night to sit on the couch with mom, holding her soft hands, running my fingers in and out of the outline of hers, while watching Caso Cerrado, the Spanish version of Judge Judy.

My birthday’s remind me so much of my mom. I am super grateful I have memories to lean into and an amazing family to love on.

XO